Q:
The sense of security in love comes from yourself or given by your partner?
Chen Man:
People who cannot give themselves a sense of security are like a colander. No matter how much security a lover gives, they cannot fill it up.
Why everyone emphasizes "Don't rely on others to give you a sense of security" is because the deepest anxiety and knot in your heart can only be relieved by yourself. On this basis, the sense of security given to you by others can be truly transformed into confidence that makes you feel at ease.
Otherwise, no matter how many lovers are given to , it will be useless to , and it will only cause you to lose both sides in the conflict between demand and resistance.
When you can't give yourself a sense of security and can only ask for it from others, two problems often arise:
① Even if he gives it enough, you can't recognize the perception that is distorted by anxiety;
② You have obtained too much, and this pressure makes the other party breathless. The first situation will occur in
because insecure people, the external world is unstable and chaotic, so they will become frightened birds because of a small matter, and they will overthink the details of catching wind and shadows, resulting in a lot of emotions.
For example, it is also a small matter where a lover does not reply to messages in time. People with a sense of security will only guess whether the other party is too busy, and then do what they should do. Go back and ask what is wrong, and you won’t be too entangled.
They will not shake their inner perception of "lovers care about me" because of such trivialities, and deny the emotional connection between the two.
In the eyes of insecure people, this becomes a sign of "lovers' change of heart". If they don't reply in seconds, it is a hint of no love. They may search for clues on other social platforms, trying to find the conspiracy behind not replying... The feelings and evaluations of people like
have become too fast. They may still be satisfied and safe in the last second, but they will turn their backs on the next second. Their cognition is like a sand castle piled up by children, and it will dissipate as soon as the wind blows.
No matter how many lovers give, they will never feel that they are not enough.
Because as long as one fails to respond to their demand for a sense of security in time, all previous efforts will be wasted. How can
be able to establish a long-term and stable intimate relationship? How could it be possible to have a day of "giving enough security"?
On the other hand, under the pressure of responding to the security needs, a second problem will arise: what you want, others can't afford it.
If you want a handful of roses and a pair of sneakers, the other party gives it to you is fun, and if you want stars and moons, you can't give it to you, that's unreasonable.
Lovers do have the obligation to give each other a sense of security, but this obligation is definitely not limitless.
You can discuss social boundaries with each other and avoid suspicion reasonably, but you cannot interfere with the normal social interactions of your lover;
You can disclose your mobile phone accounts and other privacy to each other, but you must also allow two people to retain their own personal space;
You can give each other, but you should not force the other party to give up personal development and progress for yourself;
...
No matter how close the relationship is, it must have boundaries, because after all, you are two independent individuals and must be responsible for yourself first.
Otherwise, even if your lover is willing to be asked by you at the beginning, and is willing to compromise and sacrifice for you, you will inevitably feel resentment and unfairness in the long run, which will affect your relationship.
As long as you want to spend the rest of your life with the other person, you must get rid of the endless pursuit of a sense of security and focus on specific and practical life and relationships.
When you peel off your anxious tinted glasses and gain inner peace, the "sense of security" you need is no longer the bottomless pit you cannot fill.
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