Xiaodan is a second-year high school girl. Due to frequent insomnia, shock dreams, loss of appetite, and distraction over the past month and a half, she came to me for consultation accompanied by her mother Ms. Hui.

A high school girl lost her first place throne

Killing a classmate in a dream

Xiaodan is a high school girl. Because she has frequently experienced insomnia, dreams, loss of appetite, and distraction for a month and a half, she found me for consultation accompanied by her mother Ms. Hui.

Ms. Hui told me that in the past month, she took Xiaodan to four hospitals, but no problems were found. Helplessly, the doctor asked her to take Xiaodan to see a psychiatrist. "Xiao Dan is the top student in the class. She will take the college entrance examination in another year and a half. She can't have any problems!" Ms. Hui's face was full of anxiety.

I conducted a preliminary examination of Xiaodan, and the results showed that her anxiety and depression index was seriously exceeded, and she had a certain tendency to force. I decided to have a one-on-one in-depth exchange with Xiaodan to find out the root of her anxiety.

When I first started the communication, Xiaodan was a little wary of me, but as the communication deepened, she gradually began to trust me, and I quietly stimulated her desire to talk. Soon, she opened her heart to me. It turns out that what caused Xiao Dan to be restless was jealousy.

"When I was in the first year of high school, I was the first in the class in every important exam, but after entering the second year of high school, I never took the first place again." Xiaodan told me in a grievance, "Xiao Fei, who has been transferred to school, and Xiao Jie, who has been suppressed by me, took turns to get the first place, and I can only be the embarrassing third place!"

I smiled and said, "Are you showing off? The third place is already an amazing good grade. The middle school students in your class will definitely be angry when they hear you say this!" I paved the psychological balance for her without revealing traces.

"How can I compare with the average student?" Xiaodan curled his lips disapprovingly, "In order to compete with Xiaofei and Xiaojie, I studied hard, and I really forgot to eat and sleep. If you don't believe me, you will ask my mother. However, every exam is always a ten-point difference. I hate myself not smart enough, and I hate Xiaofei and Xiaojie for stealing my glory. Sometimes, I fantasize about them getting sick, having a car accident, and even dreaming of strangling them with my own hands! I was so scared when I woke up: I actually had the idea of killing people! I actually killed my classmates who were with me because of a little jealousy. It was so scary! "

I asked, "Do you often have such dreams?"

Xiao Dan shook his head and nodded again: "I only had the dream of killing people once. Later, the dream was suspected by the police because of killing people. He was under great psychological pressure, and then he escaped. As a result, he was either caught by the police or entangled by the ghosts of Xiaofei and Xiaojie, as if I really killed someone."

There is no nightmare for no reason in the world, so I asked, "In real life, have you done something to let my classmates down the road because of jealousy?"

Xiao Dan blushed, and after a while, he asked in a low voice: "I once threw a reference book from Xiaofei downstairs from the window, but it was sent by a freshman in the first year of high school in less than half an hour because the reference book contains the class number and Xiaofei's name. The teacher did not follow up on this matter, but a classmate looked at me fiercely. Another time, I spitted a saliva into the cup where Xiaojie was drinking water, and no one knew. Auntie, am I a bad person? Do I have a serious psychological disease? Is it sick? "

I asked, "Have you ever blamed yourself for your thoughts and behaviors?"

" Then there is no need to say, of course I blame myself! I often blame myself!" Xiaodan said in a swearing tone, "Girls like jealousy, but I hate this bad habit. When I find myself jealous, you don't know how disgusting myself! I understand that competitors are also growth partners. Besides, people have good grades and are open and honest. I have no reason to be jealous, but I just can't overcome this dark mentality.Whenever I find myself jealous again, I try my best to restrain myself, repeatedly blame myself, and call myself a failure. But the more I do this, the more this dark mentality controls me. So, my mother said she wanted to take me to see a psychologist, but I was not disgusted at all, and even hoped to get your help. ”

I asked: “Do your parents have high requirements for you? "

Xiao Dan hesitated for a moment, glanced at me, and said tactfully: " Chinese-style parent , who doesn't want his son to be a dragon? "

I asked: "You have lost the first place, are your parents dissatisfied? "

Xiaodan's eyes turned red, but he held back his tears and whispered: "I'm quite satisfied, but I signed me up for a cram school again. "

What caused Xiao Dan to have nightmares is jealousy

So where does the jealousy come from?

Xiao Dan asked: "Why am I only jealous of my classmates? And just jealous of my classmates who have better grades than me? ”

I said: "Psychology believes that jealousy comes from competition in the same field, and jealousy psychology is hierarchical, that is, only two competitors in the same field of competition will have jealousy and jealous behavior . To be precise, people will only be jealous of those who are in the same competitive field as themselves who perform better than themselves, and will not be jealous of those who are not in the same field as themselves, nor will they be jealous of those who are in the same competitive field who perform weaker than themselves. Snow White was jealous of the stepmother queen because in the field of competing for who is more beautiful, Snow White is more beautiful than the stepmother queen. "

Xiao Dan asked: "When I was in junior high school, I was just a student with a moderate grade. At that time, I was very happy to be able to enter the top ten in the class in the exam. There are so many jealous people in the class, why don’t I feel jealous? Is it because I was young at that time? ”

I told her that jealousy is a psychological reaction after the sense of superiority is destroyed. person Only when you have a sense of superiority and are surpassed by others will you become jealous. If you do not have a sense of superiority, it will only show inferiority and envy, and there will be no jealousy.

I gave an example: "A child may feel envious when he sees his neighbor's aunt holding her child and playing, but he may not be jealous. However, when he sees his parents holding other people's children, he may be jealous. Why? Because he does not have any sense of superiority in front of other people's parents, but he has an absolute sense of superiority in front of his own parents. "

" So, where do you think my jealousy comes from? "Xiao Dan asked with his head tilted.

I said: "You have all the common causes of jealousy to varying degrees. In addition, I think you have a perfectionist tendency and have too high demands on yourself, so you are under too much pressure. The reason why you have too high expectations of yourself is that your parents have too high expectations of you. Is this the case with ? "

Xiaodan looked at me blankly as if he was poked into the acupoint, and suddenly he lay heavily on the table and cried bitterly.

How to place this terrible jealousy?

and so on calm down Good mood, I began to guide her. It mainly includes the following contents:

1. Recognize the harm of jealousy

I told Xiao Dan that jealousy has an instinctive color, and everyone has it, but most people can control themselves and not let jealousy do whatever they want. "The harm of jealousy is to hurt others, and the other is to hurt yourself, which has all kinds of harm but no benefits."I explained, "It is painful to be jealous of others, and at the same time, it is also uncomfortable to be jealous of others. Whether it is jealous of others or being jealous of others, who is addicted to this unpleasant mood all day long, who is still in the mood to study? "

Xiaodan nodded desperately: "You don't need to say more about this, I have suffered enough of jealousy! "

2. Correctly understand competition

I used cognitive therapy to enlighten Xiaodan to recognize the truth of competition and let her know that others' good grades do not mean their own failure.

I asked Xiaodan: "Is your exam a quick answer? "

Xiao Dan shook his head strangely: "It's not an idiom conference, how could it be a quick answer? The exam is a set of test papers for each person, and they do their own. "

" Then your jealousy will make no sense. "I said exaggeratedly, "For example, everyone has a steamed bun of the same size for each person. Ten minutes later, some people finished eating, some people ate half, and some people ate half. Why should they jealous of those who haven't finished eating? I haven't come to grab your steamed buns! "

Xiao Dan blinked and laughed "puffed": "That's it, why? If someone gets 100 points, I can get 100 points. It’s not that I will get one point less if someone gets the first place, but that I can’t tie for the first place. ”

I restrained my smile and explained: “The psychological basis of jealousy is the desire for possession, not the desire for development. In layman's terms, the desire to possess is to focus on how to occupy a larger share of a piece of cake, while the desire to develop is to study how to make a bigger cake. People with strong jealousness believe that as long as they possess something of their own, they can gain a good sense of self-worth, but in fact, this is not the case, because people's desire to possess is endless. For example, even if you always occupy the first place in the class, what about the first place in the grade? What about the number one in the city? What about the top scorer in the college entrance examination? As your competitive field continues to expand, you will find that there are mountains outside the mountain and there are people outside the mountain. Your jealousy will one day force you into a desperate situation. The correct concept is: evaluate others objectively and fairly, and also objectively and fairly; regard other people's success as a spur and challenge to yourself, and enhance your sense of self-worth from self-development, rather than trying to exalt yourself by attacking others. "

Xiao Dan's eyes lit up: "So, the teacher asked us to compare with ourselves, because of this reason, right? "

I nodded and praised: "That's right! It is important for people to have self-knowledge. Seeing your strengths and weaknesses, playing to your strengths and avoiding your weaknesses or making up for your shortcomings, and striving to be the best self is a wonderful life. Think about it, China has released an Yao Ming . Are there more or fewer people who like to play basketball? If everyone is jealous of Yao Ming's height and basketball talent, no one is willing to walk on the court. "

Xiao Dan suddenly realized his mind and smiled.

3. Learn to put your heart in the heart

Put your heart is a common saying that ordinary people often say, which is called "emotion in" in psychology. When the fire of jealousy burns, you might as well put yourself in the shoes of the other party and ask yourself: "What if I were the other party? "Using the psychological shift method can allow one to experience the other person's emotions, which is conducive to understanding others, and to curb the spread of bad psychology. This is one of the effective ways to avoid jealousy and behavior.

" I especially need to reflect on this aspect. "Xiao Dan contempted, "Xiao Fei asked me to go to the cafeteria several times to have dinner together, but I refused tactfully, and even said sour words like "I can't afford to climb" that hurt her heart.Xiaojie was originally my good friend. She worked as a deskmate for a whole year in the first year of high school. Now she has questions she doesn’t know how to do and will come to ask me, but I always ignore them. A classmate told me that Xiaojie has cried several times in private because of my cold attitude. Tomorrow, I will definitely apologize to them, I promise! "

Finally, I had an in-depth exchange with Ms. Hui. I reminded her that Xiaodan has reached the most important learning stage before the college entrance examination, and her mental state must be stable so that she can improve her learning efficiency. To do this, we must find a way to relieve stress from Xiaodan, at least not put any pressure on her, otherwise Xiaodan is in danger of a psychological collapse. Ms. Hui said that she will contact Xiaodan's class teacher as soon as possible and work together to develop the best improvement strategy.

A week later, Xiaodan called and thanked me happily, saying that under my guidance, her mother unsubscribed to her two cram schools. "This is OK, I will go swimming with Xiaofei and Xiaojie on the weekend! "Xiao Dan laughed constantly on the phone.

END

Author: Xiaolin

Editor: Zhuang Qingqing

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