There are always many things that are fleeting and will never come again in life. Some people disperse as they walk and never meet again. Sometimes we still have fantasies and have a chance to see each other again in the future, but I don’t know that that parting may be forever.
More than a year ago, I sent off my boyfriend whom I had been in love with for more than 3 years at the train station. I thought it was just a temporary separation. He said that I would wait for him for a year and we would get married when we came back. But after 15 springs, summers, autumns and winters, I still haven't seen him.
That year, my boyfriend was sent to the UK for further study for one year, first to go to Beijing for training and then to the UK. One year was not long, but how much torment it was for us who had never been separated in love. I couldn't bear to leave him, but I couldn't keep him. Going abroad for further study is a rare thing. After coming back, he will have a bright future. I think no one can stop him at that time.
I remember that on the day he left, I went to the train station to see him off. He kept holding me tightly in his arms, constantly comforting me, and reminding me to take good care of myself. He said that I would wait for him with peace of mind and marry me when he came back.
The train is about to start. Before he gets on the bus, we hug and kiss hard to part with. After the whistle sounds, we are all in the world. Unexpectedly, we never saw this farewell again.
When he first left, he would write me a long letter every weekend and call me occasionally, but he said he prefers to write letters. He usually writes me if he wants to, and then sends the letters together on weekends. Because of his letter, I have hope for my life. I will no longer be lonely when I am alone, and I have spent day after day in my longing.
Later he said that he had a lot of pressure to study, and the time to send me a letter was pushed from 1 week to a month. Later, he said that he had no time to write and called occasionally.
A year has finally passed, and I began to prepare for our marriage. Our hometowns are thousands of miles away, and we live in a rented house. I want to decorate this house before he comes back. I want to give him a surprise, a new home, and I want to decorate this house beautifully.
Just as I was happily preparing for the new house and waiting for him to come back, one day I received a package from him, which contained a set of beautiful jewelry, a watch, some skin care products, and a thick letter. It felt a little strange at the time. He was almost back, so why did he send me letters and gifts?
I opened the letter with a nervous heart. When I saw the first line of text, I was stunned: Dear, when you read this letter, I had disappeared. My disappearance was that I was about to hide because I was going to stay and not return to China. I was very confused during this period. I was sent out by the government. I should come back after my further study. There are parents in China and you. But I really want to stay here, it is like a magnet, which firmly attracts me. Here I have become another person, happy and confident, I can fully utilize my talents, and there are many unknown things I want to explore. Maybe I am more suitable to live in this land, so I decided to stay, in this inappropriate way, but if I don’t make this decision, I will regret it for life.
At the end of the letter, he said: gifts were bought when he was thinking of you, and now he can only send them to you. I'm not good, I'm not worthy of you. I hope you will find a partner who suits you again. Let's leave you here and can't contact you again in the future. I wish you a blessing.
After reading the letter, I was already in tears. I waited hard for almost a year, but I never expected that what I waited for was a farewell. I couldn't know his true thoughts, but I knew he would definitely not come back. I hugged the things and letters he sent and cried all day.
The next day, I asked for leave from my unit and went to Thailand alone. This is where we came to Bangkok first, and then Koh Samui . I walked the road we walked again and stayed in the hotel we stayed together. I wanted to find the real reason why he left me.
After walking around in one circle, I not only failed to find the reason, but instead made myself even more uncomfortable.Both of us like Thailand very much. He said that when we retire, we will live in Thailand and we will retire here together. Once I met an old lady who was very thin but very energetic and had a very good temperament. He told me, "This is how you will be when you get old, so energetic, but you are not allowed to bully me in the future."
How could a person who wants to grow old with me leave me? I think he might have a temporary idea. When it stabilizes, he will definitely contact me and I will wait for him.
One year I also went to the UK and arrived at the city he used to be, wandering around alone, at the Edinburgh Railway Station. I remembered the scene of our last separation. I think he should be gathering with his wife and children at this moment! But I was still alone, and I couldn't help but feel sad.
I just waited stupidly because I kept pretending to be him in my heart, and no one else could get into my heart, and rejected one person after another who wanted to live with me. In the waiting, year by year, I became a middle-aged woman, a lonely middle-aged woman.
I am such a silly woman who lost her best years for her poor fantasy and wasted years of her life for a person who was not worth it. My friend asked me, is it worth it? I said it was not worth it, but I couldn't go back!
---END---
Narrator: Xiaolu, female
Age: 43 years old
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