Author: Bai Yanyi (psychological counselor)
Editor: Jia Fangfang
Produced by: Marriage and Family Magazine
During the break of the program, a girl came over and asked me: "Teacher Bai, I don't know how to choose. Can you help me with the staff?"
It turned out that she was sandwiched between two boys. One is the boy she had a crush on. She liked him very much and acted very proactively, but the other party was not very enthusiastic about her. One is a boy who likes her, he is gentle and considerate, and is particularly nice to her, but she is not very interested in him.
The girl was confused and didn't know whether to choose what she loved or what she loved. At that time, I didn't answer because she would regret it no matter which one she chose.
01
Simple "love me" is difficult to last for a long time
If we don't have to make a choice immediately, if we think about it, we will find that this is not a question of whether to choose to love me or the person I love, but a question of understanding love in the emotional relationship between the two sexes.
When many girls ask me for consultation, they will say, "In the past, he listened to me, and spent money on me, and whatever I say is, and he will not fight back when he beats me, but now he doesn't treat me like this, so he doesn't love me anymore."
This is not mature love in the relationship between the two genders, but more like being pampered in the relationship between the parent and child. If the need to be pampered is met, I am loved, and vice versa.
However, in a gender relationship, if there is only "feeling love", that is, only "love me", such love will easily disappear.
A girl told me that when she first fell in love, her boyfriend was very nice to her, but she always lost her temper and suspected the other party, "After three or five years like this, he has treated me completely differently. He no longer loves me, nor is he good to me."
Is it really the other party no longer loves her? In fact, she killed her boyfriend's love.
The girl was fostered at a relative's house when she was a child. She was not taken back to live with her parents until she was in the third grade of elementary school. Therefore, she doesn't believe in her heart that others will love her, does not believe that she is worthy of being loved, and does not believe that love really exists.
"I long to get the love I imagined, but I don't believe in myself or love." When a person has this contradiction in his inner self, even if he gets love, he will not truly enjoy and cherish love.
In fact, when a person feels lack, traumatized or lacking in a parent-child relationship, he will be particularly eager to make up for himself in an intimate relationship. He has very high requirements for "being loved", over-idealize and beautify the experience of "being loved" and will never be satisfied.
02
Unconditional "I love" unhealthy
Let's take a look at what "I love" is. Go back to the girl mentioned above. The boy who was secretly in love finally agreed to date her, and she was always cautious and cautious.
However, such a relationship is difficult to last because in love, respect and equality are very important.
"I love" is not unconditional, uncontrollable, self-dedication, nor is it about sacrifice, dedication, and forbearance in exchange for the love of another person.
As an example. When you see your male god, you are particularly eager to be with him and want to kneel down and talk to him. If you were a male god, would you be happy? Won't. Because the other half we desire to have is actually our inner projection, and this part is usually powerful and upward.
I long for myself to be wise, and a wise woman will attract me; I long for myself to be strong, and a strong man will attract me; I long for myself to be open-minded, and a open-minded man will attract me. Regardless of whether this part has been implemented or not, we will put it on our partner to practice and experience it.
Think about it, if I stand here and my partner is "kneeling" on the spiritual and emotional level, it means that part of myself is also belittled. Naturally, this relationship will not have true respect and equality, and I will not be able to get real satisfaction.
03
True love is the unity of "I love" and "Love me"
See here, you will find that the reason why this girl doesn't know how to choose is actually putting "I love" and "Love me" in an opposition state of choosing one of two, which is also a problem that many people have.
The famous existential psychology master Flom wrote very clearly in the book "The Art of Love": "Many people have major misunderstandings about love, and they confuse love with being loved."
In fact, saying "love me" alone and "I love" are not healthy and mature emotions, and these two are not opposing relationships of choice.
Mature and healthy love is actually the unity of "love me" and "I love". I have the need to be loved and I long to be loved, which is very normal. In the process of being loved, I also have the ability to love the other person. It is not because he loves me and treats me well that I treat him well.
Boy is diligent in studying, hard-working, and is very generous to colleagues. The girl especially appreciates and loves these qualities in boys. Every time I bring snacks to everyone, the boy is always the first to give them to girls. When choosing ice cream for everyone, I also remember the tastes that girls like.
The girl felt that this boy had a lot of special things to him and fell in love with him. You see, this girl’s choice is the unity of “I love” and “love me”: a part of him attracted me, and I also enjoyed his uniqueness to me.
In love, the first thing we face is an independent person. Some of the characteristics of this person attract me, and his way of treating me makes me feel warm. So, I developed love with him, which is a mature love process.
Two people are independent and have commonalities with each other. This is the unity of "love me" and "I love you".
04
The appearance of choice is not a test of fate, but a conflict of desire
Even if we understand what true love is, we will still inevitably encounter the dilemma of "I love" and "Love me". So, how can we choose to avoid regrets?
I can't assume the future of the girl at the beginning, but I can tell you a story that has happened.
When I was in high school, the girl fell in love with a boy in the class. The boy was admitted to a well-known university, but the girl chose to drop out because her family was poor and favored boys over girls. The boy told the girl to continue taking the college entrance exam, and he was waiting for her in college. Later, after someone introduced the girl, she met a carpenter in the village. He treated her very well, so the two got married.
After marriage, the girl experienced a lot of pain and came to me for consultation in her 50s. She said: "If I hadn't chosen my husband back then, but that male classmate, my life would definitely not be like this today, nor would I have experienced so much pain, but at that time I seemed to have no choice." She felt that fate was too ironic.
is a mockery of fate? In fact, the choice a person makes has nothing to do with his destiny, but has to do with our inner conflict: he desires happiness, but is afraid, and feels that he is not worthy of this happiness.
Every choice will have regrets. Just like buying yogurt in a supermarket, strawberry flavors and yellow peach flavors are all the flavors you like, but the money in your pocket is only enough to buy one. While you were thinking about which one to buy, someone suddenly reached out to take one away. At this time, you don’t care whether you choose the strawberry or the yellow peach, so you can hold the rest in your hand in case someone snatch it away. You don’t necessarily really like the taste you’re taken away, but you still regret missing it. This is human nature.
We are always worried that we will make the wrong choice and are afraid of the consequences of choice. This is a very normal part of human nature. If you don't realize this, you may feel that you have lost your true love. But in fact, you are just loyal to the needs that are more important to you at that moment.
People who have a firm self-awareness and dare to take responsibility and consequences for themselves usually will not regret it. On the contrary, if you dare not take responsibility and always let others make choices for them, or often let yourself fall into a state of being chosen, then no matter what choice you make, you will regret it because you cannot bear the consequences.
Life is always in choice, the only thing you cannot choose is the choice itself. Some people may say, then I will let it go and not make a choice. In fact, this is also the choice you make.
So, when faced with love, no matter what you choose, you must tell yourself: what I chose is the right one. The possible consequences are neither beautified nor demonized, but are objectively faced. Be firmly convinced that you want to get and lose in this choice, and have the initiative in your choices.
In this state, you will find that no matter what choice you make, the result will not make you so uneasy and nervous, and you will not regret the option you gave up.
Back to the topic, choose the person I love or the person I love, I think you already have the answer at this moment.
This article is excerpted from the "Marriage and Family" magazine
Original title: "Choose "what I love me" or "what I love"? 》
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