The most interesting and practical psychology to work hard every day
Some people say that no matter how good the marriage is, no matter how happy the couple is, they have 100 divorces and 50 impulses to strangle each other in their lifetime.
In 2018, according to relevant research data, 6.2 million couples got married in , and more than 7.6 million couples divorced. In 2019, the divorce data soared by 17%. In this year, more than 20,000 couples divorced on average every day in my country.
Needless to say, the divorce rate has risen unprecedentedly. Before this, it has maintained a rising momentum for seven consecutive years. Among the divorce groups of , middle-aged people account for the vast majority, the post-80s and post-90s account for as much as 51%, and
China once became the country with the highest divorce rate in the world.
Middle-aged people who are difficult to ride a tiger
The most intuitive troubles of middle-aged people are described in eight words: it is difficult to ride a tiger, and it is difficult to get in and out of trouble.
has the support and care of the elderly, there are conflicts and disputes between husband and wife, and there are young children. Every day's life is like a clockwork alarm clock . I dare not delay for a moment and dare not relax for a moment, because behind every decision, there is a huge cost.
This is a difficult situation. Under such pressure, you may not have imagined how many times a middle-aged man would have the urge to divorce in a week or even a day?
people always want to look back when they are in pain. They have invested so much time, energy and opportunities, but they are unwilling to do so and can't do it again.
The first half of middle-aged people's life ended because they couldn't help themselves. They compromised with reality. Looking back, there are still many possibilities, but behind each decision, there are huge costs.
This is a dilemma.
Zhang Ailing once said: When people reach middle age, their hearts are the most tired, their love is the deepest, and their responsibilities are the most heavy. I dare not die, dare not get sick, and even dare not collapse casually
What makes middle-aged people feel the most is that in their spare time, they rest in the car in the underground parking lot. Looking back on the past, they felt that when they were young, they felt that they could stand in middle age, but in the end they found that ’s biggest goal has become “it’s good to not collapse”. It’s good to not get sick, it’s good to be healthy, and it’s good to be alive.
Middle-aged people are used to "receiving their fate". While complaining about themselves, they shake hands with the years openly and talk to the years. No longer struggling, no longer resisting, silently doing things within my ability, but sometimes I can’t help but think: Why did I live like this?
Many middle-aged people feel that they must take responsibility and must not show any fragility, so they suppress and isolate their true feelings. In different life roles, I think I can be easily welcomed, but I can't escape the sudden collapse.
At this time, there will be 10,000 urges to divorce. All the conflicts and contradictions in life will be shown in marriage, which is also the biggest reason for middle-aged people's divorce.
Young people are depressed and escape from their true feelings. They can effectively divert their attention, devote all their energy to work and life, and make themselves achieve considerable achievements. psychological defense mechanism , such as , is applicable in a single role.
But when you reach middle age, you will be completely different after you get married and start a career. Middle-aged people have multiple roles, which are three-dimensional, complex and diverse. The single psychological defense mechanism of no longer works. Silently escaping will only make all characters face huge challenges, and even make everyone around you feel dissatisfied with .
When your defense fails, all problems arise.
In fact, middle-aged people can "do" appropriately. Don't put all the thoughts that are secretly surging behind all the pressure. You can choose to be a rebellious woman or a rebellious uncle. Because it means you are loosening yourself and you see your needs, which is a good thing.
Mr. Wang has always been a strict and cautious person, but after giving birth to a son, he became a rebellious middle-aged uncle. In his spare time, he would go to the game hall with his old friends and occasionally go to the bar... Everyone in his family accused him of being completely unstable, unsteady, and without responsibility. Mr. Wang has always been very guilty and is very entangled inside.
But in fact, the reason behind this is very complicated.
Many major events in life will trigger the inherent contradictions that we did not realize in our early years.
For example, falling in love and getting married will trigger conflicts in our intimate relationships. In the process of giving birth and educating children, it will induce the trauma of our childhood. Getting along with our father-in-law and mother-in-law will inspire conflicts in our original family.
In the process of educating his son, Mr. Wang realized the trauma that he would not be solved in his early years and discovered his needs.
His work is actually self-healing.
The midlife crisis is also a "crisis" and a "opportunity". Mr. Wang's experience is just one of many midlife crises.
We don’t have to end up with divorce in the end. Many times, facing problems in a head-on manner is a huge challenge for middle-aged people, because you have to allow yourself to face the pain you have never faced in the past half of your life.
Among the current marriage and love consultations in China, marriage recovery consultation for middle-aged couples is the most common. Because they began to see their past, trying to find that brand new, real selves.
Isn’t this a good thing?
People should remember that in this world, there is no pain as devastating as never facing pain, and there is no suffering that lasts for as long as we have never realized.
The midlife crisis is a "crisis" and an "opportunity". As long as we have never escaped, it can become the dawn that illuminates our future.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
Edit | It won't rain
first psychological writer group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
Reference materials: Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(2), 192-205
WeChat public account: First psychological
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