Many couples feel that everything is settled and they can go as they go when they get married.
But I have observed many couples with broken emotions, and 60% of them have good relationships when they first got married. Because both parties ignore the marriage and do not know how to manage it, they end up in a mess.
It can be seen that a good marriage depends on management, and a good relationship depends on practice.
So, how should we run a marriage?
01
actively pay attention to
In the long marriage relationship, both parties are easily overlooked and slack, but the point that really directly affects the quality of emotions is "active attention".
"Active attention" is an important part of marriage life.
For example, when two people get up in the morning, the other party may say, "Oh, I had a nightmare! So terrible!"
You may not care at the time, and then get up and go to work. This is because you don't pay attention to each other.
For example, the other party said to us: "What do you think of this TV program?"
We may not understand, and then sent WeChat to no reply. This is the manifestation of not paying attention to each other.
So, how should we achieve true mutual attention?
1) No pressure conversation.
Don’t put pressure on the conversation, this is a very important communication skill.
We observed that stress-free dialogue mainly involves not talking about the matter between two people, but about some third-party topics.
For example, in the case of the simplest sentence, when the other party returns home after get off work, you can ask: "How is your day today?"
This is a typical stress-free conversation. It does not talk about the relationship between two people, nor does it talk about the problems of two people, but only focuses on the other party.
In this process, it actually relieves the pressure, which is very important.
But most people tend to bring their emotions in their work and life into marriage, and they always have anger when communicating with their partners.
It is obviously a very simple little thing, but it adopts violent communication methods.
For example, we met a visitor before. She is a strong woman with a lot of work pressure. When she got home, she began to complain and accuse her husband of not doing housework.
Two people often quarrel over these trivial matters. The visitors feel very wronged and tired, and they feel that their husband is not considerate at all.
Actually, she wants her partner to take on family responsibilities, but she often cannot do it by questioning and accusing.
Everyone is very tired from work on weekdays, and after returning home, they have to face the accusations from their partners, which is undoubtedly a huge pressure.
Instinctive reactions will only want to escape when people feel pressure.
If you want to really communicate, stress-free dialogue is the best way.
2) You can try to do a small exercise: use 3 weeks to record all our positive attention to him.
For example, listening to the other party, sending WeChat to encourage the other party, doing something for the other party...
Anything we do for the other party or we actively pay attention to can be recorded.
3 consecutive weeks to carefully analyze whether you are really paying attention to the other party.
This process can help analyze and understand your behavior, and recognize whether you have taken active attention.
The mentality of "I have done so much for him, but he is not grateful" is the most undesirable.
What should I do if I feel that the other party is not communicating with me, not communicating with me, not paying attention or even alienating myself?
The first reaction of most people at this time is usually "Do you stop loving me?" or "Is there any problem with our relationship?"
You must learn to think about the problem from two perspectives:
A. Has the other party encountered an external stressor recently, and the severity of this stressor is something you don’t know?
stress may be a work problem, a health problem, and even personal life gains and losses. We can find ways to understand the source of the other party’s pressure.
B. Reflect on your own behavior.
includes actively paying attention to whether you are committed enough, whether sometimes you are too sensitive or you want too much, whether you are under other external pressure, and so on.
Only when you find the source of stress, confirm and reflect on it, can the behaviors that the other party shows due to stress can be relieved.
Actively pay attention to it, it is easy to say it is difficult to do it.
Because everyone can pay attention to it temporarily, but we must remember that a happy and stable marriage is not a day, but a lifetime.
02
Anti-fragility
Anti-fragility
Have seen many stories of "Couples are birds in the same forest, but when the disaster strikes, they will find that a good family that can achieve happiness has anti-fragility.
No matter what kind of blow you encounter, whether it is birth, old age, sickness and death or any external changes, the family can continue to move forward.
A reader once told me that she was with her husband as soon as she went to college, got pregnant and got married soon. Except for working twice in high school, she has never had a job and just takes care of her children at home.
Her husband is a university lecturer with a salary of only more than 4,000 yuan. In addition, there is a house for renting, stock trading, and making small investments. His current annual income is about 100,000 yuan.
But the expenses of the two of them are quite high. Her husband has a car worth 200,000 yuan to keep. She can't cook, so she keeps eating outside or ordering takeout, spending more than 1,000 yuan a month on buying clothes and skin care products.
In addition, she also gives her grandparents 4,000 yuan every year, and her parents 3,000 yuan, which are all spent on her husband's money.
She is from the countryside. She has been working since she was a child and was raised by her grandparents, so she has always been closer to her grandparents in her heart.
The problem now is that she has been giving money like this for five years, and now her family is under a lot of pressure and doesn’t want to give so much back every year.
Moreover, she felt that her grandparents didn't regard her money as money. It seemed like the strong wind of money was blowing inside and outside, which made her feel very upset as time went by.
Therefore, she was very conflicted: Should I still invest so much?
From the economic issues mentioned in the above story, we can see that the heroine's current family does not have anti-fragility.
In layman's terms, if you encounter a little disaster, the family will fall.
The heroine's family now depends on her husband, so she should think about it:
What if the other party is laid off now?
What should I do if that house cannot be rented?
If you lose money in stock trading, what should you do?
As an important member of a family, the heroine not only spends money on clothes and skin care products, but also gives her family money.
It can be said that her husband is quite good to her.
However, such a situation cannot be sustained.
You should know that there is one thing called increasing revenue and reducing expenditure.
only talks about economic issues. The money the heroine gives her family is one-tenth of the income for a person whose annual income is only 100,000 yuan.
If you continue to spend the other party’s money to your family and say with confidence, “I can’t cook”, then I want to say:
“If you can’t open source, at least it’s always OK to save a stream, right?”
Learn how to cook, so that you can save at least a few thousand yuan a year than eating outside or ordering takeaway. This is throttling, which is to increase anti-fragility to your small family.
and accumulate is achieved through throttling.
I hope all my fans will not speak righteously:
"I can't cook, so I keep eating takeaway."
Since we all know that the annual income is not high but the expenses are still quite large, if this matter continues, there will be long-term worries.
Everyone must form a mind that can protect happiness. In addition to what I mentioned before, " The primary secret of happiness is to avoid misfortune " , it is to learn to repair the roof when there is sunshine and insure your life when there is no disaster.
This insurance is not only as simple as buying an insurance, but more importantly, it helps families increase their ability to resist risks.
03
mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflict
Both say that falling in love is a matter of two people, and marriage is a matter of two families.
The fusion of two families and the gathering of ideas of the two generations form the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, just like green moss , breeding silently in every detail of life.
A reader once told me that her mother-in-law raised a pig and made some meatballs with this meat.
Grandma posted a video to watch her grandson, saying that the express delivery is now open and people should bring the prepared meatballs for the children to eat.
and said that children like to eat meat from their hometown the most, saying that the pork in the city is not as delicious as the meat from their hometown.
She knew that the old man loved his grandson, but the meatballs had been stored for almost 20 days, so she wanted to refuse her mother-in-law, but her mother-in-law insisted that her second brother in the family mail it.
She was very angry and said clearly that the meatballs were not good. Her mother-in-law would say "It's frozen, what's bad?" But after she had been left for so long, she was worried that there would be problems with her child eating them.
She wants to be respected and understood, and does not want her mother-in-law to interfere with her raising children. But considering that I want to go out to work after the New Year, I also have to ask my mother-in-law to come and help pick up the children from school, and I don’t want to make the relationship break.
so it is very contradictory and I don’t know how to deal with it.
intergenerational conflict is a very common core conflict in the parenting process.
When others need to take responsibility, you must share your rights.
If the mother-in-law wants to take responsibility for taking care of the child, she must share the right to raise the child to the other party.
Both want the mother-in-law to take care of the child, and she doesn’t want her to treat the child in her way. This is called asking the horse to run and not eating grass.
Is there such a wonderful thing in the world? Answer: No.
Therefore, we must understand the core logic inside: rights do not fall from the sky, rights are always accompanied by responsibility.
Right comes from responsibility. Once the mother-in-law has to bear the responsibility of taking care of the child, she will definitely have the right to raise the child.
In addition, if the mother-in-law treats her children not what she wants, should the problem of intergenerational conflict be resolved?
The only solution is: find the place behind the intergenerational conflict, in the other party's pattern, and personal recognition.
Although they do not agree with the quality of mother-in-law's meatball , both parties have a common positive side: treat the child well.
So, if I were the heroine, I might first seek an angle to identify with her, similar to saying:
"Hey, it's great, you also hope that your child can eat organic pork. You love him so much, I am very moved." The sentence
may be used as a beginning of your communication.
Try to understand what the other party’s positive patterns and positive aspects are in intergenerational conflicts.
Mother-in-law treats her children with love. If she can first confirm her love for her children and her love for her children is the common range between them.
Then, no matter how big the conflict is, the emotions will not collapse.
That is, in front of the common area, any conflict can be resolved.
But once intergenerational conflict is biased towards a negative side, saying, "Mother-in-law is just unhygienic. This meat has been doing well for the child's health for so long?"
At this time, the mother-in-law will definitely turn to defense and say, "Hey, does this daughter-in-law look down on me? Is she disliked my elderly people's hygiene habits not good enough?"
Then, the relationship will definitely collapse because there is no common area between them.
Therefore, the core key to resolving intergenerational conflicts is to find the positive side of the other party and yourself. Only by building a positive side as a common region will it become the starting point for resolving intergenerational conflicts.
Some people say that choosing a relationship is choosing a life; choosing a marriage is choosing a life.
Whether it is good or bad, it will have a direct positive impact, but good management can continue the marriage and increase the value of life.
Therefore, maybe I first got married with a hot pillow attitude, but I must learn to manage it and don’t fantasize that love can create a harbor of happiness.
Try to create love, don’t stop because of slackness.
The illustrations of this article shall not be used in part or in whole without authorization.
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