I am Zilan, a freelance writer born in 1993. Click "Follow" on the upper right and let me continue to share with you useful information on [Writing Operations] and [Female Growth].
I don’t know if you have such a feeling. When we grow up, life does not become easier, but becomes more difficult.
In addition to facing survival problems: being reluctant to go to work and finding ways to make money; they also have to face many psychological problems, such as confusion, anxiety, loneliness, etc.
If the native family is worse, it will be even more difficult. The heart will be like an unfathomable black hole, filled with all kinds of conflicts and struggles, as well as deep doubts about self-worth.
Don’t ask me how I know, because I just came from this state.
I was born in a family with a violent father who favored sons over daughters. My father's terrible temperament is just like what is described in "The Addicted Patient":
"My father always loses his temper inexplicably and makes people unpredictable. No matter how peaceful the situation is, he can turn it into a dangerous minefield...
As long as he roars, the whole house will tremble. I will be so scared that I will rush upstairs, hide in my room, and hide under the bed. "
Of course, I am not blaming the original family and obscuring my responsibility. On the contrary, I want to use this to illustrate the importance of "self-change" in adulthood.
In short, the turbulent environment in which I grew up as a child fostered to some extent the fear and anxiety that have accompanied me for more than 20 years. It also greatly aggravated my sensitivity, low self-esteem, and insecurity.
This has made my adult life, whether it is work, making friends or relationships, much more difficult than for ordinary people.
In order to redeem myself, when I was 26 years old, I firmly started the path of self-study of "psychology".
It took me nearly two years. I read a lot of books on this topic eagerly, wrote many book reviews, and also paid to experience "expensive" psychological counseling.
I am forever grateful for the decision I made. Because I know that after , the quality of my life will be different.
Therefore, based on my personal experience, I would like to share with you today five books that had a particularly great impact on me in the process of learning psychology .
If you have a similar experience to me, then please believe me:
When you understand these five books and are willing to implement the concepts inside, your spiritual core will become more and more stable and self-consistent.
★The first book: "The Road Less Traveled"
Author: Scott Pike
If a person can only have one book in his life, , then I will definitely choose this one.
When I read this book for the first time, I didn’t think it was that amazing. It was just that I was in the whirlpool of depression. There was a sentence in the book that shocked me:
“At the level of consciousness, they don’t know The old selves need to be adjusted and changed, but at a subconscious level, they have already begun the process of giving up and growing up. "
Later, when I encountered problems in life that I couldn't figure out, I would read this book over and over again. The more I read, the more aware I became of it, and I realized how precious this book is.
The author is very sincere. His first sentence tells us: Life is full of hardships. This is one of the greatest truths in the world. "
However, if you can truly understand and accept the fact that life is full of hardships, you will be relieved and transcend.
Therefore, when we are at a low point in life, we must remember: There is no need to blame everyone and others, complain about the hardship of your life, and don't act as if life should be comfortable and smooth."
Secondly, the two most important parts of the book are also the two that have the greatest influence on me. They explore what "self-discipline and love" is, how we should do it, and what principles we need to follow.
On Xiaohongshu, we often see some notes about "self-discipline". In fact, in my opinion, it is better to understand the definition of "self-discipline" in the book, not to read 1,000 such practical articles:
" actively ask yourself to endure pain with a positive attitude and solve problems. "
Active, the opposite is passive; active, the opposite is negative; endure pain, the opposite is avoiding suffering and seeking happiness; solve problems, the opposite is avoiding problems.
If your current state is often on the opposite side, no matter how hard you pretend to work, you will be deceiving yourself.
and a The reason why people can be self-disciplined is love. The author of
gave "love" a definition that touched me and was particularly enlightened:
"Love is a will to promote the maturity of oneself and others, and to continuously expand one's boundaries and achieve self-improvement. "
So when you love someone, it is a responsibility to make yourself better.
(by: When it comes to your favorite book, you seem to have a lot of things to express~ But I hope that if you can, you can read this book yourself and absorb different nutrients for the maturity of your mind.)
★The second book: "Why does family hurt people"
Author: Wu Zhihong
I used to be a big love in China I worked in a consulting agency for about 5 months. (Haha, many friends may not know~)
Because of the nature of my work, I began to get close to psychological counseling, and I also started reading Teacher Wu Zhihong's book at that time.
This book is the early masterpiece of Teacher Wu Zhihong, which has caused many different discussions.
Some people say that Lu Xun wrote about the society that cannibalized people back then, while Wu Zhihong wrote about the family that cannibalized people today.
Here I just want to talk about my feelings.
It is because I read this book at that time. It was the first time I realized that there were so many problems in my original family. The obscure and dark problems that were never faced were so huge and terrible.
. These problems will not disappear automatically because the members of a family pretended to be invisible. will always exist, hidden in your personality, behavior, subconsciousness... and pass it quietly across generations.
The result is that it not only affects your own destiny, but also affects your children's children... As long as they are not valued and solved, this negative impact may be passed on all the time.
This book brings me The first time I have understood the " family system " in my life. From that time on, I knew very clearly:
I need to take my inner trauma seriously, see the negative impact of my parents on my personality and concepts, and try to find ways to eliminate these impacts, and resolutely not leave these problems to the next generation.
This is the minimum responsibility and responsibility for myself and for the future children.
★The third book: "Home html on the hot pot "
Author: Augustus Napier / Carl Whitaker
This is a book that exceeded my cognitive range at that time. After reading it, I thought to myself: How lucky I was to encounter such a book! ! !
At that time, my husband and I had just obtained the certificate. But I did not indulge in the sweet period of newlyweds, because we had already started living together before getting the certificate.
On the contrary, after receiving the certificate, I fell into a deep panic about how the two of us would integrate and grow together in the future, and how to maintain our independence.
For example, last year, our relationship encountered great challenges.
He and his friends started their own business and had a small company. There was a period of time after we got married, and he was really looking forward to me doing projects that he thought would make money, because he felt that I had been doing freelancing for so long without making any splash, and wasting too much precious time.
But at that time, I didn’t want to give up what I loved, but I wasn’t sure what I could accomplish in the end. So we were in a dilemma.
During that time, our relationship became extremely tense. Intellectually, I feel that I need to compromise appropriately, which is beneficial to maintaining our relationship.
But emotionally, I know very well that I am not willing.
Then I started to have severe anxiety and felt that my "self" was slowly being swallowed up. I was very confused and painful about this kind of relationship.
In this state, I happened to read this book, which solved many of my confusions about young marriage. There is a sentence in the book that I have always remembered to this day:
"If any of the seeds of divorce are planted in advance, it is probably that the person plunges into marriage before he has formed an independent self."
I must admit that before getting married, I never thought deeply about "individual independence". I also never thought about the hidden dangers that entering a marriage before a person's self is independent and has not been fully explored will bring to the marriage.
And the greatest value this book brings to me lies in this.
To this day, I am still on the path of self-exploration and self-improvement. Marriage can no longer form any mental constraints on me.
★ The fourth book: " The Art of Love "
Author: Fromm
This book made me think about what true love is, and also taught me how to love someone in the right way.
Do you believe it? In life, although the word "love" is used very frequently by us, many people actually don't understand what "love" is. more often uses the name of "love" to make two people fall into endless internal friction.
Especially children who do not receive enough security in their native families can easily become entangled in close relationships and worry about gains and losses.
During the time I was in the emotional counseling industry, I had to answer many consultation calls from clients every day. It was also because of this front-line reception experience that I was more exposed to the real world.
It turns out that in real life, there are so many people who are troubled by emotions. There are older singles who have had many failed relationships, some who have had many problems in their marriages, some who cheated and were cheated on...
I listened to them telling their inner pain. After studying, I learned that the core reason for most people who are trapped by emotional problems is that their emotional cognition level is relatively low and they lack understanding of the nature of "love".
Fromm said: "Most people would rather regard love as a problem of being loved than as a problem of loving, that is, as a problem of the ability to love. For them, love means how to be loved and how to make others love."
So, when I often hear clients on the other end of the phone shouting hysterically: "How could he do this to me? He doesn't love me at all when he does this...", I always think:
Perhaps, when a person learns how to love the other person instead of blindly thinking about how to let the other person love themselves, he or she has the most basic ability to love.Many of the views in the book
have gradually transformed me, who was also under emotional cognition, into a relatively rational and qualified state in love, and have the ability to constantly reflect on my behavior in love.
You might as well try it too.
★Fifth book: "The Courage to Being Hate"
Author: Ichiro Kishimi, Shiken Koga
The last book, this book is really a best-selling, I believe there is no need to introduce it, everyone is familiar with it.
However, I want to emphasize that this book is not for reading, but for action.
Because this is a book about the action guide of individual psychology Adler's most important thoughts, and a book about "courage".
If you are more sensitive in interpersonal relationships, you are prone to over-care about other people's opinions, feel that you are not free in your heart, and cannot confirm your own value... can solve it, and the answer is incisive.
When I came into contact with this book, I almost bought all the books on Adler himself or not on the market in one breath. Because of his "strong" philosophy, I saw the hope of ordinary people changing their destiny.
He always repeatedly emphasizes that everyone can change. No matter what your past experiences are, you can pass the life you want. All you lack is a matter of courage.
At the same time, I also understood a profound truth: "The greatest misfortune of a person is that he does not like himself. And a person's greatest happiness lies in accepting his true self."
When a person accepts his true self, freedom will rise from the bottom of his heart.
No matter where he is, he can be himself more freely, instead of being clumsy and "playing" a character that is not like himself. People like
are free in their hearts.
If you want to learn Adler's psychology in depth to change your lifestyle, this is a very recommended introductory book.
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I would say to myself who was frightened at the time: "As long as you don't have your permission, no one can hurt you!"
Of course, it is impossible for people to live twice. So, while you are still young, muster up the courage to change yourself. I hope that no matter what injuries we have suffered, we will eventually become a stable and happy person with a core!
Author introduction:
Zilan, a girl from the countryside in 1993 | bravely quit her full-time job with a five-digit monthly salary and embark on the road of free writing. Share writing tips | Reading diligently and thoughtful growth insights.
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