text/Shi Yonggang
Couple in the consultation room
Couple has been married for nearly 10 years and has not given birth to a child. Recently, they have been separated for one year and only met on holidays to have dinner at both parents' houses. The two are now considering whether to divorce and come for help and consult.
The following is part of the conversation in the first consultation:
Consultant: Who will tell me first?
(The wife and husband hesitated for a moment, looked at each other and then looked at the counselor. The husband continued to bow his head, and the wife calmed down and spoke...)
Wife: Let me talk first. That's right. We first separated because his snoring affected my rest. I tried various methods and it was useless. I wanted to move out for a while and move to a place closer to my unit, which would also facilitate commuting and getting off work. However, after moving out, he no longer cared about me and did not ask how I lived. Gradually, our relationship is far away.
Husband: (Looking up at my wife, with some resentment expressions) You have given you everything you want, you agree if you want to go out to live, how can you care about you?
Wife: (Rolling your eyes, angry) You just don’t care about me, and I won’t try to keep me even if I leave.
Husband: (Don’t speak)
(Silenced for a moment)
Husband: Actually, I don’t want to keep it, but she (says to the consultant) always criticizes me and tells me that every time I want to see how she lives, I think that after I go, she will definitely say that I am not good, that is not good, or something else, I think, let it go (sigh).
Wife: (angry) I said you are not for your own good!
...
has a preliminary understanding of the basic situation of the two. The wife is dissatisfied with the husband's disregard for him. The husband feels that his wife always blames him and escapes. The communication between the two formed a vicious cycle of chasing mode, gradually drifting away.
Interaction mode analysis
Wife Husband
Behavior Ask and suggest to the husband (in the husband's opinion); rent a house and separate (leave) Hiding, running away, not making any comments
Thoughts He does not trust me, doesn't love me anymore She doesn't understand me, doesn't support me,
Force me to make a choice
Emotional dissatisfaction, angry, sad, numb
Deep emotions Sad, helpless, disappointed Helpless, scared, painful
Unmet
Attached needs I want to change to a big house and want to have a better rest, but he said that the mortgage pressure is high, and he refused, and said that divorce is not retained; he did not receive a timely response, lack of care and care. When entrepreneurship encounters setbacks, they are not understood, they are always asked to blame, they have to change houses at this time, and they have to divorce; they are not supported and respected, and they are not understood. The story behind the interactive mode of
consultation progressed to the third time, the couple saw each other's interaction mode under the guidance of the consultant and began to try to understand each other. Below is a part of the conversation in the consultation:
Consultant: Do you still remember what happened when you first fell in love? How did they get together in the first place?
Wife: (The expression eased) We were high school classmates. When we first fell in love, we often went out to play together. We both felt good about each other, and then we got married naturally. I think his biggest advantage is his good personality and always considerate. (Hesitated for a moment) So, is it because my requirements have become higher? The main reason is that I hope he can be more motivated. After all, it will be different after marriage!
Husband: (Indignant) I am motivated. I hope to have a better income in starting a business, but the overall environment is not good, so there is always time to turn around (sigh). But you just want to change a big house at this time. How could I afford it? If I don’t change it, I would say I would go out to live there. I feel like I have no status at home.
Consultant: You feel that you are not respected or understood.
Husband: (nodded, and my emotions eased),
Yes, so I didn’t have the nerve to tell her if I failed to start a business. Later, when she found out, she felt that I didn’t trust her, but in fact I just didn’t want to be criticized more.
Consultant: You hope your wife can understand your difficulties, at least in spirit, encourage you to support you.
Husband: Yes (nodded).
...
See each other's unmet inner needs
Wife: Then you can tell me, I am not not supporting you, I am just anxious, you always don't respond to me, and you also ask others to borrow money from me. I know why I am not angry?
Husband: I admit that this is mine, but at that time I was afraid that you would blame me again, and I was already afraid.
Consultant: You feel afraid, failed to start a business, and hope to get the understanding and comfort of your family, but you are afraid that you will be blamed if you say it, so you simply don’t say it.
…
Consultant: You hope your husband can care more about you, trust you, and not treat yourself as an outsider.
Wife: (Nod) Yes, if there are difficulties, we can discuss together. If you don’t say it, I don’t know. I thought you just didn’t want to agree to me.
Consultant: You two see that your inner needs are actually very simple. Your wife hopes that her husband cares more about herself instead of turning a blind eye. Her husband hopes that her wife can understand herself more than criticize her.
Learn non-violent communication and break the bad interaction mode
Consultant: Try to express your feelings in the sentence structure of "I feel...", and at the same time say what you want the other party to do, and express it in "I hope you...". You two can try to practice.
Wife: I feel sad and disappointed. I hope you can ask me how I live and care more about me.
Husband: I feel helpless and scared, I hope you can encourage me and support me more.
Consultant: How do you feel when you hear each other say this? What will be different if you compare the previous conversation?
...
After consultation, the couple learned about each other's deep emotions and unmet attachment needs. After negotiation, the two reached an agreement and did not divorce for the time being. They adjusted their interaction mode and explained many previous misunderstandings and lack of communication. When one party expresses their opinions, feelings and emotions, the other party should listen as much as possible to make sure to understand what the other party means before responding, take care of the feelings first, and then consider things. The wife should give her husband more respect and support, and the husband should give her more care and love. The consultant recommends that the two learn some methods of "Non-Violent Communication" and learn to express their feelings reasonably; on the other hand, when the wife moves back home, the two should strengthen their emotional connection, date at least once a week, manage their emotional life well, and slowly solve their career problems on this basis.
