many times before, but I believe it is still a big problem hanging in the hearts of many women:
Is it possible for a man to truly return after he cheated on him? How can I know if he really admits his mistake and regrets?
Regarding this issue, I have seen a typical case:
After a man cheated, his wife filed for divorce. The two had already agreed to divorce, but during the process, the man suddenly changed his attitude and began to try his best to win back his wife.
He said that it is impossible for him and the women outside to be, and his wife will always be the first.
At the same time, the man changed his past temper and obeyed his wife's requirements and bought this and that.
The woman felt her husband's show of goodwill and was a little moved for a while. She temporarily accepted the man and occasionally acted coquettishly at her husband, and her husband kept coaxing her.
The two people acted very lovingly, and they could even say that their condition was better than before they cheated.
But the woman still had a little doubt in her heart. She didn't understand why cheating improved the relationship between the two people. Is everything in front of her real or an illusory illusion?
Can my husband really look back, can I really let go of my pain?
Is there any man in the world who can truly return to his family after cheating?
For this question, I will first give a positive answer: of course there are men who sincerely return.
However, just being nice to you and coaxing you does not mean that he must be such a lost man.
If you want to know whether a man is returning sincerely, it depends on whether he is cruel to him or not.
Let me first talk about why "be good to you" is a very unreliable standard.
Because if the party at fault has not truly regretted it, he can easily disguise the illusion of "being good to you" in a short period of time, and you can't tell it.
Say a few more sweet words, clear your shopping cart, and comfort it against your will... These are things that can be done easily. Not to mention couples who share the same bed and have a emotional foundation, spending enough money to hire a young man to take this combination of punches can also make people feel cared for and liked.
Many women will feel this "temperature difference" before and after before marriage. For example, some men often put a lot of effort into pursuing before dating, and they will always tolerate any differences. They will never talk nonsense where the girl points to him.
But once you succeed, these gentle little intentions will disappear without a trace. The news about your girlfriend will no longer be answered in seconds, and your attitude will no longer be obedient. You even in turn will provoke the other party's faults...
All of this always makes women confused. How can this man become a living person after confirming the relationship?
The reason is very simple, because for this type of people, "being good to you" is just a means to achieve your goal.
Once the purpose is achieved, the means are useless.
Before marriage, men's purpose is mostly to seek dating and getting married; in the case of marriage cheating, this purpose is to block the wife's mouth and let her stop pursuing her.
You now feel that the relationship between husband and wife is "becoming better and more loving", but as you vaguely feel, the relationship between husband and wife is walking on thin ice is a rapid turbulence that you all deliberately avoid:
You dare not confirm whether the other party really repents;
You are worried that you will break the harmony when you mention this matter again;
You want to stay in this dream forever, but you are afraid that one day you will be awakened by cold water;
...
...
In fact, you also understand in your heart that one day you have to face it and deal with it.
I'm afraid it will be too late by then.
Indulging in the illusion of "being good to me" will lead to these consequences:
① The nature is difficult to change, and the treatment is difficult to last
② Paralyze the pain, miss the opportunity to discuss the relationship in depth
③ Form an inertia, which increases the possibility of cheating again
01 The nature is difficult to change, and the treatment is difficult to last
If he had not used to coaxing his wife, buying this and that to express love, then it would be almost impossible for this man to keep the state of "being good to you" forever.
The country is easy to change, but the nature is difficult to change. When adults, the way a person expresses love is basically fixed. Unless he consciously forces himself to change, it is difficult to undergo fundamental changes.
Most men who only want to make the cheating incident do not do this.
Of course, it is not impossible for a person to completely change his coping mechanism in intimate relationships, but this process is often long and full of repetition. He will go through multiple stages such as indecision - preparation - action - maintenance, and often fall under the temptation of old habits and have to do it again.
The real change is never achieved overnight.
When will people suddenly become another person?
will only be fine when he knows that he doesn't need to maintain this state for a long time and temporarily pretends to hold on.
If you find that your partner has become another person without buffering and transitioning, and do not intend to communicate with you the reasons behind it, this is the signal that should arouse your vigilance.
02 Paralysis pain Missed the opportunity to discuss the relationship in depth
I know that betrayal in marriage makes your heart so painful. At this time, even a little warmth from your partner is like a life-saving straw to you, and I really don’t want to let go.
He is very nice to you at this moment, even better than before he was found cheating.
If he had always cherished and cared for me like this... would I not be hurt again?
You always have a hint of luck in your heart.
The lucky mentality of
is like a poison that numbs the wound. It may temporarily relieve your pain, but it will be returned thousands of times in the future.
Your procrastination also gives the cheating party enough time to rationalize your behavior in your heart. When both of you avoid talking about the mistake itself, the other party's guilt will only become less and less, and even begin to feel that your mistake is no big deal.
The earlier communication after cheating, the better. The longer the time, the more the rift between husband and wife will only become bigger and bigger.
None of them mentioned it, so what else can I do with this free time? Isn’t it just for him to think about it?
Believe me, and hope that the other party will suddenly get enlightened with zero communication, understand your sadness, and deeply condemn your fault... This probability is not much greater than winning five million.
03 Formation of inertia increases the possibility of re-death
Human nature is lazy. If we find that there is a specific way to deal with a certain problem, after the trial takes effect, and then encounter this problem, the first reaction of a person is always the same.
If this time he easily coaxes you with a temporary "good to you" and makes you choose not to pursue it in depth, then he will only subconsciously feel:
, it turns out that coaxing you will be over. Since it is that simple, then do the same next time!
In real life, I cheated many times, and I actively admitted my mistakes and coaxed my wife obediently. After coaxing me, I went to find the mistress after a while. The example of the mistress is common. People like
have formed a fixed mindset and do not feel that being discovered by their wives is scary. As long as they coax themselves, they can always coax their partner back.
What's the difficulty of coaxing women?
They are afraid that they are still proud of themselves, and they feel that they have the skills to control their wives and .
Forgiveness too easily often drags you into a vicious cycle of "forgiveness-infidelity-forgiveness-infidelity-infidelity".
Men who truly regret it will take a more difficult path
Nature. There must be men in the world who are not ready to fool them and want their wives to heal their trauma and change their minds. So what will they do and what should they do?
There is no easy shortcut to improve the relationship between husband and wife, especially facing serious trauma such as cheating. For the couple, they must work together to spend a turbulent time.
Especially for those who make mistakes, they must be cruel enough to face their mistakes and the deep reasons behind them.
This is not to torture yourself and please your partner, but to his own good, so that he can have the opportunity to make up for his inner shortcomings and do not have to spend the rest of his life in a sense of guilt.
If you are the party who cheated on the wrongdoing, you need to do the following:
01 sincere apology, empathy pain
Apology is not just a dry "Wife, I'm wrong", but more importantly, it is to express your understanding of your partner's pain.
At the same time, this is also a chance to express your feelings for the injured person, allowing the partner to vent the accumulated sadness, so that the other party can tell you directly where the pain is and where the injury is.
You should encourage the other party to express your fear and anxiety, admit that the other party’s feelings are normal, and try your best to imagine such trauma, and what kind of pain it would be if it happened to you.
Don’t make up excuses, and don’t subconsciously shirking responsibility and saying the other party’s words in turn accuse you.
Yes, I know this may be very uncomfortable, you may not want to bear the risk of being scolded, but don’t forget that before this, your partner had already suffered the pain of betrayal before you.
This is not revenge, but justice.
02Firstly discuss the inherent reasons for cheating
Both husband and wife must reexamine your marriage:
What kind of emotional views do the two people now have, and what is the difference from before?
How do we view commitment and deception in intimate relationships? Are there double standards for yourself and your partner?
Do we all believe that the cracks in our relationship can be bridged?
…
The more you argue, the more you become clearer, and the same is true in intimate relationships.
cheating is often accompanied by many other problems, such as inconsistent goals of the couple's life, such as the lack of harmony in their lives, or the accumulation of negative emotions in the marriage, and there is no corresponding feedback and processing mechanism...
These issues must be expressed before they can be discussed. If the two do not communicate, they are just two flies that cover their heads and bump into the right exit. It is impossible for them to hit the right exit.
03 breaks and then establishes it. Adjust the relationship boundary
If you want to rebuild the trust between husband and wife, you must temporarily break the previous relationship boundary, allowing both husband and wife to enter the personal boundary of their partner more, and make this boundary blurred temporarily.
When improving the relationship between husband and wife after cheating, some abnormal means can be taken: for example, report your whereabouts to the other party, or ask the other party to check your social account and redistribute the couple's property...
Of course, these means do not have to be continued forever. You can discuss when to terminate, what kind of procedures to gradually return to normal, and what kind of state should normal be.
Oral promises are difficult to prove, but actual actions can be seen by everyone with their own eyes.
Speaking of this, you must have a rough framework in your heart, knowing how to measure the other person's sincerity without relying on vague standards such as "being good to you".
Of course, being kind to you and sincerely repentance is not mutually exclusive.
He can sincerely regret his actions, and at the same time he works hard to learn how to truly be for your own good and understand your deepest needs. "Good to you" like
will definitely benefit you much more than the routine "coaxing your wife".
The word "coax" means to some extent, it means that the superiors despise the subordinates. If the other party does not regard you as an equal person, he will definitely not be able to make sincere repentance.
Only when he realizes that you are equal and you will all be suffering from the trauma of cheating is the basis for re-recognizing each other and then rekindling the fire of love.
