Hello everyone, I am Cuckoo's mother~
After Bu Niu went to kindergarten, I was very anxious for a while, especially afraid of the words she said over and over again every day: Mom, I don't want to go to school.
At first I thought that separation anxiety is normal, it will be fine after a while.
But as time goes by, the words in Bu Niu's mouth have no intention of disappearing at all, but are played continuously every morning and evening.
Now, I really couldn't sit still. I asked the teacher again, kindergarten teacher friends, and consulted the experienced mothers around me.
In the end, there seemed to be no choice but to wait for her to adapt to the life of school.
During those days, I really envied those children who didn’t cry in kindergarten. How could they adapt so strongly? Even if they just arrived in a new environment, they could get used to it immediately, not crying or making a fuss?
Later, I saw books about attachment and found that "It is a good child to go to kindergarten without crying or making a fuss", a view recognized by many parents may have been misunderstood.
1: Strange situation experiment
In psychology, there is a very famous attachment experiment called "Stranger situation experiment".
Psychologist Ainsworth once invited a group of mothers to take their babies into a strange situation. In this environment, toys are everywhere, allowing children to play with them.
After the child plays for a while, the mother will be asked to leave. After a while, my mother will come back. After staying for a while, my mother left again.
Then, observe the personnel entering the environment. They stayed for a few minutes and left. Mom is back again.
In such a process of separation, reunion and meeting strangers from mothers, the research team wanted to understand what the children would react.
Through observation and analysis, they found that children's reactions can basically be divided into three categories: safe, avoidant and contradictory.
●Safe children will regard their mothers as a "safety base". Children like
will be exploring and playing with confidence when they are by their mothers. They will be nervous after mom leaves. But when mothers come back, they can rest assured enough to continue playing.
● avoidance children have no response to whether their mothers leave or not.
These children seem to have no connection with their mothers. In their eyes, there are only toys. When mother is there, they play; when mother is not there, they are also playing; when mother comes away, they are still playing.
hug and kiss your mother intimately? It does not exist.
●Contradictory children, like clingy "little fairy".
Sometimes we say that children are a sweet burden. But if you encounter a contradictory child, you will only feel "burden" and "sweet".
Because of the contradictory child, he is really too clingy. He couldn't play well, and his attention was almost all on his mother. Mom wants to leave? That won't work, he will hold it tightly immediately.
If the mother really leaves, after coming back again, the contradictory child is not happy to greet him, but is very angry and refuses to comfort him.
"Stranger Situation Experiment" is actually suitable for kindergarten scenes. We can judge what type of attachment a child has from his reaction.
2: Children who don’t cry or make trouble in kindergarten are mostly from such families
When sending the child to kindergarten, we might as well observe his performance.
◆Safety
When I sent Bu Niu to school on the first day, I heard a "wow sound" in the whole garden. From downstairs to upstairs, the crying sound was lingering, and the sound of endless lingering.
chatted with the teacher. The teacher told me that most children would cry for a while when they first arrived at school, but it would not take too long and they would be able to play happily soon.
safe children may cry when they go to kindergarten and are separated from their mothers, but they will adjust their emotions and adapt quickly.
And when they see their mother again after school, they will be particularly happy, they will still be close to their mothers, and will not get upset.Children like
are flexible in adapting to the environment and have strong resilience.
◆Contradictory
Contradictory children will cry when they first arrive in kindergarten, and they will cry very hard, even to the point of "killing the sky and snatching the earth".
Sometimes, others have calmed down, and he is still immersed in grief for a long time, thinking about his mother coming to pick him up.
Even at home, he only has his mother in his eyes and heart. Wherever his mother is, he is stuck, and he has almost no interest in playing and exploring.
But when the mother really comes to pick him up from school, he does not greet and hug happily, but will have two reactions: angry and passive.
angry: Mom hugged him, he lost his temper, got upset, and pushed his mother away. Of course, if my mother really doesn't care about him, he will be even more angry.
This unpredictable thought only wants people to yell: "What do you want?"
passively: passively wait for the mother's reaction, and will not actively get close, but will not lose temper.
◆Avoidance
When I went to pick up and drop off Bu Niu to school, I found that there was a child who was particularly independent.
Bu Niu’s classroom is on the 3rd floor. Parents in small classes usually lead their children upstairs and send them to the door of the classroom. But the child walked up there with his schoolbag on his back.
He had almost no expression on his face, and he was particularly calm. Even though the children around him were crying so hard that their eyes were swollen, he just watched quietly, calmly.
When he was out of school, he had almost no interaction with his mother and did not be as intimate with his parents as other children.
The biggest feature of avoidant children is their indifference.
When they go to kindergarten, they usually don’t cry or make a fuss, and they have maturity and indifference that are inconsistent with their age.
The mother is not around, they all act indifferent. When they see her mother again, they don’t react much.
3: How do attachment types form?
From the above we can know that children who go to kindergarten without crying or making trouble are not necessarily independent and have strong adaptability.
They are likely to react defensively because of avoidance attachment to .
How do the different attachment types come into being? This is related to the main raising of people (usually referring to mothers).
①Safe mothers
Some mothers will be gentle and patient, and will respond quickly to their children's needs.
The child cried, and the mother immediately picked it up and gently stroked his back; the child needed comfort, and the mother would hold him in her arms with tenderness; if the child wanted to establish a connection, the mother would express her love in her timely words and body.
In such a parent-child relationship, mothers are very sensitive to the signals sent by their children, and express acceptance and tolerance, becoming a safe base for children.
The children raised by mothers are usually safe-attached children.
There is a saying in "Positive Discipline": When you see your child walk into your room, will your eyes shine?
Safe mothers are probably the kind of mothers who will see the light in their eyes when they see their children.
②Contradictory mother
Many mothers spend a lot of time with their children, but the children raised are contradictory. This is likely due to mother's neglect.
"Mom plays with me."
I am busy, you can play for yourself first.
"Mom looks at the paintings I draw."
(sight for a few casual eyes) The baby is really well drawn, it's great.
"What is that mother?"
Why do you have so many questions, so you can't stay quietly for a while?
Although the mother is by her child's side, she ignores most of his needs. This leads to the child being very uncertain about when the mother will respond to him.
In order to gain attention, contradictory children will amplify their emotions, react fiercely, stick to their mothers at all times, and show high demand.
③Avoidance mother
Avoidance mother will refuse to join when facing the needs of her children. It’s not that they don’t respond, but that they don’t accept it.
This type of mother has a bad temper and usually scolds and yells at her children.
If the child cries, they will lose control of their emotions first: "Why cry, don't cry!"
Even if they see the child need comfort, mothers rarely give hugs or kisses, because physical contact will make them feel uncomfortable. Even if they comfort and hug the children, they may complain and lose their temper.
The mother's disacceptance of the child's emotions and behavior will make the child avoid it - not only avoiding the possibility of being rejected, but also avoiding anger towards the mother.
In one sentence, safe mothers are tolerant, contradictory mothers ignore, and avoidant mothers do not accept.
Of course, whether it is safety, contradiction or avoidance, as mothers, we do not deliberately interact with our children in some way.
Many times, mothers have not learned how to control their emotions and how to express their love in the right way.
Moreover, it is easy for us to repeat the attachment pattern in childhood and get along with our children in this way.
But no matter what, I hope that as the main object of children's attachment, we can do our best to give children the safest attachment.
3 types of attachment, which one does your child belong to?
[Pictures come from the Internet, instantly deleted]
Author profile: Cuckoo's mother, a mother who is good at observing, thinking and has a way. Focus on children's psychology , understand the easy raising of children, follow them if you like it~
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