Hello everyone, I am Hu Junli.
Family education entrepreneur who accompanys mothers to raise their children scientifically.
※ In addition to original articles, 3 study notes are selected every day.
Learning notes come from: books, official accounts, Zhihu, Weibo, paid communities, group chats, circle of friends, etc., which do not represent personal opinions, and do not know the original source, so most of them do not indicate where they are excerpted and deleted if they are infringed.
This is the 335th study note: praise and reward, and will replace the child's internal drive with external drive.
is the main text of the study notes.
1, internal drive is interrupted
After completing something, the brain will secrete a neurochemical particle called dopamine .
dopamine has a rewarding effect, which can promote the network connection of our brain neurons.
So when you finish something and enjoy dopamine, then this thing is formed in the neural network connection in the brain.
This will prompt us to develop a desire to do this next time.
The so-called internal driving force and internal driving force actually come from dopamine.
is dopamine that promotes the reward mechanism.
So if you do something meaningful, you must appreciate it so that dopamine can form.
However, some parents, managers, or bosses do not understand this principle.
When he saw that his children or employees had achieved success, he was proud there, and immediately rushed over and asked, "Don't be so proud, are there anything else?" It was to interrupt people's appreciation, happiness, and the conditions for forming dopamine. After
, this person has no internal drive to do things, only external drive.
means that if he doesn't force him to do something, he doesn't want to do it.
So human internal drive actually comes from the secretion of dopamine after success. If it does not exist, it is not easy to form internal drive.
2, praise and reward, replace internal drive with external drive
If criticism will destroy the happiness brought by children's dopamine and the internal circuit formed by the result, interrupt the internal drive, and praise and reward will replace the priceless, huge internal drive with limited, narrow external drive.
Commendation and reward will replace the dopamine produced by the child's own efforts and the sense of value and accomplishment that rises from the inside with external conditions and external factors.
That is to say, the internal drive is replaced with the external drive.
If there is a physical reward, this internally generated invaluable driving force and sense of value will be replaced with limited things.
This is undoubtedly a great loss and harm to the child.
Some children have achieved very good results. If they praise him, they will feel angry and angry.
That's because he feels that the sense of value from the inside is huge and priceless, but it is replaced by you with a few words that are not painful or itchy.
He feels that you don’t see his value and don’t understand him, so you will get angry.
Even if you give him material rewards or financial rewards, over time, he will gradually lose his feelings and may even feel that you don’t understand him.
This is also why some children are excited at first when facing material rewards, but later they gradually don’t care and don’t care.
Some parents complain that their children have no internal motivation and do not actively learn or do things. They can check whether they truly recognize their children's intrinsic value and whether they can truly feel the happiness and value from within.
Is it interrupted or replaced after the child has completed something and has not had time to fully experience the reward of dopamine.
3. The desire to control is too strong, it is the source of misfortune
The desire to control is too strong, it is the source of many misfortune.
People's energy, ability and time are very limited. If you want everything to be as you wish, you will inevitably face the dilemma of leaking from all sides.
You have to take care of your parents’ quarrels, you have to take care of your children’s studies, you have to take care of your spouse’s mess, and you have to take care of your mess at work.
will also make everyone around you depend on you and fight against you. Although they cannot live without you, they will more or less hate you.
In fact, many things are not that important. Doing well and bad does not affect the quality of life. Instead of spending time doing well, it is better to let go and let everyone around you live a more comfortable life.
Spend your time and energy on the most important things, such as making money, improving yourself, and doing a small side job. You will find that when you straighten yourself out, your life will naturally go smoothly.
