Nowadays, more and more parents are investing a lot of time and energy in their education, but the effect of most people in specific family scenarios has been very little.
Is it because the depth and breadth of learning knowledge are insufficient? Or is personal learning ability clumsy? Or is the educational knowledge learned not suitable for today's children? I think many parents are often confused about
and other questions. Today I will talk about the topic of "I learned a lot of knowledge but couldn't use it".
Originally, the concept of "raising children" has existed since ancient times. It relies on experience passed down from generation to generation and corrections after automatically imitating parents, but the core is to make the most favorable adjustments for children based on current living conditions.
I didn’t expect: , which was originally very simple, “parent and mother-raising” common sense, has now become a kind of ability that must be achieved through hard study.
I can understand that today's parents, including me in the past, think that their shortcomings are because the previous generation did not do well enough. They always feel that they have to study hard to do everything with confidence. There must be various tricks for success in education.
But when you are accustomed to relying on experts, you find that although knowledge is easy to understand, you don’t know how to flexibly apply it. This is to ignore the value of educating common sense and fall into the trap of “learning but useless”. The following text of
is the planet "Parent Mutual Help and Training Camp" and a friend from the planet sent me a private message to me about my upbringing confusion, which is what I just mentioned.
"Brother Yixin, I have read many books on parent-child education, and have also signed up for some family education courses.
I now deeply realize that -
● Unconditional love of parents is the foundation of children's inner strength;
● Appreciate more and more, it will definitely make children full of energy;
● Learning effective communication is the prerequisite to guide children's progress;
● People-oriented and respecting the growth rules of children is something that every parent should remember... I think these views of
are very good, but I can't use them all. Sometimes they make the children feel that they are tricking him and they are very disgusted with me learning these things!
I don't know what I have wrong with myself. Can you help me with my advice? "
This is my reply to this partner on the planet's "Parent Mutual Aid and Co-Study Camp" -
It sounds like your learning in the education of children has a strong tendency to expect "success" and "positive energy".
However, if you want to succeed, your inner confidence and patience are very important! This is where many people go astray!
I think behind you learning these educational knowledge, there may be such "thinking" - you are eager to get "positive feedback" in improving parent-child relationships.
For example, you think you have done it: unconditionally accept all kinds of "misbehaviors" of children, but children are still constantly happening to play games, do homework, and distracted in class...
So, you cannot accept the current fact, you are becoming more and more confused, and your mood is getting worse and worse. Isn't that the case?
The fundamental reason is nothing more than that you believe too much in the rational logic of "improving cognitive level through learning can achieve success in education", but instead ignore or suppress it, which may hinder your emotional reaction to achieve a harmonious parent-child relationship goal.
You should know that the various educational principles you express belong to cognitive reasoning and analysis, not sentimentality.To practice these principles well, strong perseverance or willpower is required!
In the past, we were constantly taught repeatedly by our parents, teachers and leaders. Various rational logical views such as "perseverance", "struggle hard", "rational" and other rational logical views have long been deeply rooted in our hearts.
But we are always ashamed to admit the uninvited and changeable emotions that always exist in people’s hearts. We are always ashamed to admit it and are unwilling to face it!
In a simple sentence, it is: the truth (cognition) is good, and the emotions are bad!
No one has ever told us that it is these "bad" emotions that will prompt us to make our mind in many ways to help us achieve our goals, rather than hinder our goals.
In terms of improving parent-child relationships, flexibly using " emotional tool " is often more effective and convenient than " cognitive tool " !
Many harmonious parent-child relationships in harmonious families are actually derived from good interactions with true feelings, rather than logical and correct cognition.
Otherwise, we always say: "Family is not a place to reason. It often wins the truth and loses the harmony! "
If you want to truly achieve in parent-child relationship " unconditional acceptance, appreciation, and respect", , we must have a stable "emotional kernel" to do it!
If you can't keep your emotions stable, you are upset and irritable all day long, and you can't use it no matter how many cognitive skills you learn! It will naturally make the child feel that you are playing tricks with him in a hypocritical way.
Many adults do not know that there is a deep-rooted belief in it: " We are a group of people who hope to be rational and get rid of emotions." This is a creed that no one can do, even a saint cannot do it!
In fact, if a person cannot manage his own emotions well, he will always be in a state of insecure life, and will automatically seek energy from the outside when he gets along with others.
This point is also the root cause of many parents' expectation that their children can be " obedient and sensible"!
Once you see that your child’s words and deeds do not meet the rational standards of “ good kids” in your mind, the more you see, the more you feel disliked and unhappy.
My advice is to temporarily forget the principles of education full of positive energy and seemingly successful, and turn your attention to being kind to yourself.
In specific practice, you can set a small goal in stages, and in the process of completing it bit by bit, you will trust yourself little by bit...
This kind of trust and affirmation of yourself will form a stable emotional core, so that you no longer need to ask for energy from your children when you get along with them.
In this way, you have the energy to do things that make your child feel comfortable, or naturally say things that make your child feel warm.
When you complete this process of self-emotional cultivation and master the emotional management tools, you will be full of "gratitude", "repentance", and "sympathy" for your children's rebellious behavior...
Finally hope: you can use your children's rebellion as a mirror, reflect on yourself more, regain your vitality for yourself, your marriage and family, and bring fresh energy to this family!
[Author] Brother Yixin, parent-child communication coach, spiritual growth consultant, 1-on-1 guidance for parents of children who are rebellious and hateful of learning, discover the truth of the problem in the field of parent-child education and spiritual growth, clarify the cognitive bias of education, and master the parenting methods that suit you.
If you want to understand the absorbable smart parenting methods, operational parent-child communication skills, and practical spiritual growth strategies, please send a private message to contact us. Official account: Brother Yixin (ID: yxdg1974).
