Hello everyone, I am Cuckoo Mom~
When it comes to getting angry at the child, I think most parents have done it.
Do you want to say, Cuckoo Mom, if you study parenting psychology knowledge every day, you will also lose your temper with your children?
Before, a mother told me about her 4 and a half-year-old daughter's various "naughty" behaviors. I replied silently, "Children of this age do this, and I often can't help but want to beat up the child."
But every time we finish " Hedong Lion Roaring" with our child, the guilt will rise, and we feel so sad.
I know all the truth, but I still can’t help but get angry with my child and regret it very much afterwards. What should I do?
1: Why are you prone to getting angry?
You know you will get angry, and you often know that it is wrong to yell at your child. But do you know, why you get angry easily?
I used to wonder why I am so anxious and can’t help but want to get angry whenever I encounter something?
After reading the book "Emotional Intelligence", I finally found the answer.
Before recognizing emotions, I need to introduce a heavyweight character to you - amygdala.
This guy is located on the inside of our head, which is equivalent to the "emotion sentinel" of our brain . You just need to remember that no matter what kind of emotions we have, it is all related to him.
●Emotions will take shortcuts
Our brain is divided into two brains - emotional brain and rational brain.
When the eyes or ears receive any information, this information will be continuously transmitted to our rational brain. Then, the brain makes an analysis and then makes a decision.
However, if this information is the most primitive or strong feeling, such as anger, fear, etc. This information will be "checked the shortcut" and sent directly to the amygdala.
As an emotional sentinel, it will immediately scan these feelings and make a judgment: "Do I hate this feeling? Will this emotion cause harm to me?"
If the answer is yes, it will make a quick decision and immediately direct us to take action.
And when the rational brain completes the process of receiving information-precision analysis-giving answers, the amygdala has already responded.
This can be understood as, when you lose your temper, the rational brain shouts: "Let's wait!" But the emotional brain has already made your hand hit the child.
●Emotions are out of control
Although the rational brain will be half a beat slower, why do we get angry and be completely uncontrollable?
This is because, the amygdala not only controls our brain, it also stimulates a surge to spread to the nervous system, releasing an energy. The characteristic of this energy in is that it lasts for a long time and has a strong "faning the flames" effect.
This leads to the fact that as long as you lose your temper at the beginning, the anger you have accumulated over a long period of time will be about to break out and become more and more intense. Even if the dog at home provokes you, you may scold the whole family.
●It is also related to experience and memory
You may also wonder why some people are very rational when facing the same thing, but some people get angry when they disagree?
This is related to our past experience. The amygdala not only processes emotions, but also preserves emotional memories.
From childhood to adulthood, even in infants, the way people around us deal with emotions and our own reactions to intense emotions may be preserved to form an emotional memory.
This memory provides a reference for the response of the amygdala.
If we do the same in the past, we are not controlled by reason and often lose control of our emotions. Then we will develop an angry personality.
If we handled it in the past, reason overwhelms emotions and look at the problem more calmly. Then we will be more wiser and less likely to get emotional.
2: How to control your emotions?
Changes the way we deal with emotions, which is actually changing emotional intelligence.
So what can we do to control our emotions and prevent it from getting out of control easily?
When we get out of control, the earlier we control our emotions, the better we must stop them before the outbreak. Otherwise, once you lose control, you will not be able to stop the car.
①consciously feel emotions
Share with you an example of how I control my emotions myself.
Once I thought the mattress was too soft and wanted to change to a harder bed. My father and I worked hard to lift the previous mat and lift the new bed board up. Unexpectedly, when Bu Niu saw it, she rolled from one end to the other and climbed from the other end to this end as if she had discovered a new continent. She kept talking: "Slide, it's great~"
We waited for her to play for a while and asked her to come down, but she still refused. Because it was getting late at that time, I was worried that she would go to bed late, so I rushed her to come down. Unexpectedly, the more she urged, the more she became more and more excited.
Finally, my patience gradually disappeared, my speech became stiff, and my tone became stronger: "Down!"
felt my emotions. The bunn stopped making noise, just lay on the bed board to pick my fingers and didn't move. I know that she is fighting against me with silent actions at this moment.
And I also felt a stream of anger, from small to large, constantly impacting my rational brain. power gathers in my throat. As long as my emotions control my brain, I will immediately let go and yell at Bu Niu.
Of course, I also foreseeed the consequences of getting angry. She must have cried heart-wrenchingly, and when I saw her crying so wronged, I regret it.
After the anger faded, especially when the baby fell asleep, looking at her angelic face, I must be very blaming myself: "How can you bear to be so cute child?"
After passing these pictures in my brain, I kept telling myself in my heart: "Relax, relax, don't want the child to be hurt, just relax."
silently suppressed my anger, and I also softened my voice, and tried to connect with her again: "Baby, mom is very tired and wants to rest early. This mat is too heavy. Why don't you come and help your parents? Let's see where do you want to carry?"
When the bunniu heard this, her emotions also dissipated and she got up. I found a seat myself: "Mom, I'm grown up and can help you lift this mat."
The crisis was relieved!
② Give yourself a space to be alone
The book " Positive Discipline " also introduced that when you find yourself in an emotional state, the best way is to leave the current environment, find a space to be alone, and calm yourself down.
The emotional momentum is actually the amygdala that brings huge energy to the body, causing the adrenal cortex to be excited. Once we are excited, we just want to explode.
and stay away from this environment that can inspire anger and find a space alone that can reduce energy and restore physiological levels. Once our physiological level recovers, our mood generally becomes calm.
You can hand over the child to other people in the family and go out to relax. You can also tell your child: "If you want to calm down for a while, you need a space where you are alone and not disturbed. Let's discuss this issue later."
Go to the bedroom or toilet and open the window for breathing. Watch some TV series that will make you laugh, or see what interests you.
Optimistic emotions will mobilize positive memories in our brains. And these memories will drive us to look at things more positively. Those negative negative emotions can slowly dissipate.
③Distracting
There is another good way to distract your attention.
distraction can prevent a series of angry thoughts from appearing and avoid making us "the more we think about it, the more we get angry."
, such as running, exercise, and the above mentioned TV, movies, reading books, etc. Relaxation of muscles and brain changes our physiological levels and reduces anger.
In fact, the above methods are all to buy time for our "reasonal brain", before the amygdala controls the brain, let reason dispel emotions little by little, and finally, guide us to make the wisest choice.
If we can take our children and learn to control our emotions, then our emotional intelligence will improve little by little~
[Pictures are from the Internet, instantly deleted]
Author profile: Cuckoo mother, a mother who is good at observing, thinking and has a way. Focus on children's psychology , understand the easy raising of children, follow them if you like it~
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