Hello everyone, I am Cuckoo's mother~
I was in a hurry to go out in the morning and asked Bu Niu to put on her clothes quickly. She slowly searched for the clothes, as if nothing was suitable. I couldn't stand it, so I took one casually and put it on her head.
She pulled the clothes off with a little temper: "It's not like this, you hurt my hands." Then she pulled the hem of the clothes, put her left hand in, then her right hand, then her head, and then stood up slowly.
I waited patiently for her to finish wearing it, and hurriedly urged: "There are still pants, hurry up, we're going out soon."
Unexpectedly, she ignored me as if she didn't hear it, and picked up her pen and started drawing.
Oh my bad temper, I can't control it all at once. I threw my pants in front of her and shouted, "Hurry up, I'll leave if I don't wear them!"
Seeing that I was really angry, she quickly put on her clothes with her hands and feet and went out with me.
In the past, I often heard parents complain about their children's "I'm anxious, he's not anxious", "slow as a snail", and "too procrastinated". Unexpectedly, now that I am a mother myself, I have to face this dilemma.
The key is that you can’t urge your child to be slow, because the more he urges, the more he fights against you, which is really annoying.
As parents, how should we break this situation and let our children go from heterogeneity to self-discipline, from procrastination to positive?
1: Why do children like to "dilem down"? The secret that most parents don’t know
The world’s famous procrastination research expert Pierce Steele, through more than 800 studies, finally found the most likely reasons for procrastination: lack of confidence in success, hate being assigned tasks, distracted and impulsive, and too far away from the goal and reward.
He also listed a very famous procrastination formula:
U=EV/ID. That is, motivation = (expected × value) ÷ (impulse × delay).
The more motivated a person is, the more willing a person is to do something, and the less he will be delayed. Therefore, the four factors in the formula are the main reasons that affect whether a person will procrastinate.
●Deficiency in success - expectations are too low.
Psychologists have conducted specific quantitative tests on children's attention and found that primary school students need to mobilize their willpower through hard work, which is only enough for him to persist in listening to 20 minutes of class, copying 15 minutes of words, and memorizing 8 minutes of text.
So sometimes children may really try their best in their studies, but in our opinion, they just want to be lazy.
So we set a higher goal for him, such as within the specified time, we must memorize a text, copy 5 pages of new words, finish 2 test papers, and finally practice piano, draw, etc.
When the child heard this, he said, "My God, this task is like climbing to the sky. It's too many and too difficult. I definitely can't finish it, so I'd better give up."
Therefore, the child feels afraid of tasks that cannot be seen at first sight, and his expectations and confidence are too low, so he uses procrastination to deal with them. For example, you can play with toys, chew on erasers, get up from time to time to drink water and go to the toilet, etc.
In fact, the child’s procrastination at this time is due to insufficient skills, insufficient abilities, and lack of confidence. It is not that he intends to oppose his parents.
●Hate of being assigned tasks - low pleasure or sense of value.
The brunette was reluctant to wear clothes and confronted me, which was a situation like this.
She doesn't like others to order her, nor do she like to be criticized. So when I use authority to suppress or rebuke her, her motivation to act will decrease, and I use procrastination to express rejection and resistance.
When you nag to your child, "I have told you 100 times, you just don't listen; are your ears deaf, don't you hear me?"
This is really not a problem with the child's ears.
He just hates being ordered by you and feels that there is no sense of pleasure or value in doing this, so he uses the behavior of "not listening" and "not doing" to express his dissatisfaction and deliberately procrastination.
●Distracted and prone to impulsiveness—high degree of distraction. Situations like
are also very common to us adults.
is going to sleep? Let's play with your phone again. Got to wash? Leave it on the sofa for a while. The work hasn't been finished yet? Let’s finish the show first.
There are many things around our task environment that unconsciously attract our attention, causing us to procrastinate.
is the same as the child, because he is weaker in control than adults. When facing boring studies, any toy or a little noise around him may distract him and lead to procrastination.
●Target and return are too far away - the delay is high.
For example, if you tell your child that you can study hard now and go to a good university in the future, find a good job, and live a better life.
in the future? It's too far away, and this doesn't arouse much motivation for the child.
There is another one that causes high delay, that is, there is still a lot of time, so the child is not in a hurry. The most obvious thing about
is to rush homework. We were having fun during the holidays, and it was the last day of school, and the children stayed up late to make up their homework. Or watch TV and play after school. When you are about to go to bed, the child remembers that it is time to do his homework.
Faced with this situation, we have also explained the truth and urged it, but the child just doesn’t have to hurry and still does his own way. Situations like
are considered as children do not have the concept of time, lack of willpower and self-planning ability, and they develop the habit of procrastination and are difficult to change.
At this time, what we need to do is to help children develop self-care ability and concept of time and correct the problem of procrastination.
2: 4 tricks are more useful
In fact, according to the above motivation formula, we can also know that as long as we start from the 4 factors in the formula and correct them in a targeted manner, we can help the child overcome procrastination.
① Decompose the target
Sometimes we are worried when we look at our children's studies. How can we finish it?
When all the goals are added together, it will inevitably appear huge and easily scare the child away. At this time, we might as well help our children sort out the big goals and break them down into visible small goals.
For example, I took my nephew and listed all his tasks, and then classified them by difficulty. In another half an hour, place the corresponding target in each time unit in .
If copied in Chinese, I would ask him how long it will take, and he said it will take about 20 minutes. OK, this is placed in one time unit. After copying, you can rest for 10 minutes and then make the next goal.
There are many and difficult maths. We can break it down into several small goals and put them in several time units.
has such a task disassembly, and the child will know that in the past half hour, I just need to complete one goal. He will not be intimidated by the big goal and will try to delay.
②Improving pleasure
This requires us not to directly use stiff commands or repeated nagging methods, but to use certain skills to communicate with our children.
If a younger child is slow to eat, sleep, and wear clothes, we can motivate him by playing games . For example, let’s play games together. I guess you can’t compare to me. I close my eyes and see which child will wear this dress?
In short, don’t be too serious about younger children. Use games to interact with them, and they will not be so rebellious.
When dealing with older and self-reliant children, we need to talk more about objective facts rather than just venting our emotions.
The first step is to talk about behaviors that make you unpleasant: I have seen it for 40 minutes, and you have only done 3 questions, which makes me very angry and worried. Tell the child’s specific behavior and he will know that you are not denying him, but focusing on things.
Step 2, telling the specific and clear consequences of this matter: delays like this, I am worried that you will do it very late, which will not only affect sleep but also tomorrow's study.
Step 3, express your feelings and needs: I hope you can finish things within the specified time, so that you can develop good habits, and I don’t have to worry so much.
tells specific things and lets children realize the consequences of their behavior and see what you need. He will be more willing to think from multiple angles, change his behavior and improve his self-management ability.
③Reduce interference factors
For example, when children do homework, we should not watch TV or mobile phones on the side, as this will only cause distraction to the child. He may also have an unfair mentality: Why can you all play, I am the only one who wants to learn?
When children are studying, we try to create an environment with less interference. Near his study area, don’t put items such as toys that can cause him to be distracted, so that the child can maintain a high concentration.
④ Set the deadline
People who like to procrastinate can do things that can be done in half an hour, even if you give them 2 hours, they can use up all of these 2 hours.
So, we need to cultivate children's awareness of "deadline".
At the beginning, we can decide the task time with our children, and then we supervise it aside. Try to break down the target into small targets, so that the time can be set more specific and accurate to how many minutes.
When we find that the child is distracted, we point to time. The child can also understand that this is a time period and what he needs to do.
Once a child becomes a habit, he can decompose his goals and set time by himself, and his time management ability and self-planning ability will naturally be cultivated.
At that time, you will find that your child will become quite self-disciplined and no longer need you to nag and urge you!
[Pictures are from the Internet, invade and delete]
Author profile: Cuckoo's mother, a mother who is good at observing, thinking and has a way. Focus on children's psychology , understand the easy raising of children, follow them if you like it~
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