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Rebellious children all have some common characteristics: they are very prone to tantrums, moody, and almost always refuse what adults ask them to do. Their biggest problem is: they are unwilling to accept the authority of adults. At this time, you need to truly understand your child. Only by giving up control over your child can you gain more control; only by not forcing your child to be obedient will your child start to listen to you.
Author Introduction
Geoffrey Bernstein Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, a certified psychologist, relationship therapy expert and educational issue expert, provides counseling services to children, young children, couples and families in 25 years of psychological counseling work. Dr. Bernstein organized discussions and speech topics including children and adolescent development, self-realization, ADHD, learning disabilities, , discipline, parental monitoring issues, etc., which have helped more than 1,000 families return to a warm and peaceful life. Often appear as a guest on TV media. In addition to this book, he also wrote "Why don't you understand my thoughts?" 》《Care for the child you love》, etc.
Essence Interpretation Read
The following content is an interpretation of the essence of the book "Rebellion is not the fault of a child" for the majority of book friends to learn and refer to. Welcome to share it. It cannot be used for commercial purposes without permission.
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Introduction: Common characteristics of rebellious children's first day, second day, third day, fourth day, fifth day, sixth day, seventh day, eighth day, ninth day, tenth day,
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Introduction: Common characteristics of rebellious children
Rebellious children all have some common characteristics: they are very prone to tantrums, moody, and almost always refuse to ask them to do things. Their biggest problem is: they are unwilling to accept the authority of adults. These children have serious challenges in their relationships, and they often yell in anger, “You are so unfair to me” or “Why do you always punish me”. You may have tried to ignore him for the time being; list the schedule; reward list and post the little red flowers; too soft or too tough. None of these strategies works because rebellious children lack mature emotions, cannot handle setbacks rationally, and cannot learn from their mistakes. Once you truly understand your child and learn not to regard what the child says as what he should face personally, it will be much easier to handle things. If your child experiences severe violence or symptoms of depression, it is recommended to seek help from a professional. However, for all families, learning the methods in these ten days is helpful.
Day 13
1. Master why children are rebellious
Don't try to wait for the children to get out of the rebellious period by themselves. This method of negative waiting is that parents are shirking responsibility. Some potential factors can induce rebellion in children, including: rejection by peers, learning difficulties, issues related to parents, external trauma (such as sexual harassment), anxiety about poor appearance, conflicts between siblings, and the idea that rebellion is cool. Regardless of the inducement, the child’s rebellion is purposeful, and the child responds in a rebellious way because he does not know how to control his thoughts and emotions. It is very important to keep this in mind when you are dealing with your relationship with your child. When you use violence to treat rebellious children, you actually lose control because the child will blame all his next mistakes on your violence. Remember, you are not alone. A large number of families that look good have problems with rebellion. Faced with rebellious problems calmly and persisted for ten days and changes would happen.
2. Identify positive behaviors of parents
To help you stop self-blame and gain a sense of control, let's start with positive behaviors. Read the list below and check how you perform in this regard: ( ) Smile ( ) Blink ( ) Pat the child standing very close ( ) Say I love you Eye contact ( ) Hug ( ) Nodding ( ) Shaking hands ( ) Attending school meetings Give praise ( ) Urging rewards in class Arrange birthday parties ( ) urging participation in activities Every item you do, give yourself a positive evaluation. When you do all the above, even if your child verbally refuses to admit it, he will be very happy and grateful in his heart.
3. Identify negative behaviors of parents
Read the list below to detect the negative behaviors you show: ( ) Roar ( ) Mocking ( ) Sarcastic ( ) Beat ( ) Neglect ( ) Nagging ( ) Preaching ( ) Humiliation ( ) Staying in the past ( ) Criticism ( ) Inspiration ( ) Stimulating provocation ( ) Lying ( ) Telling gossip ( ) Threat ( ) Belief ( ) Throwing something ( ) Neglect feeling ( ) Impatience ( ) Impatience ( ) ) Unrealistic expectations If you check that many behaviors are a part, don't be too sad. People are not sages, so who can do nothing without mistakes? Just pay attention to minimize the consequences in the future. Take some time to do things that relieve your own stress: exercise, watch movies, and love your partner. Your condition will become better, and you can relax and your child’s rebellion will be reduced. Your child needs you to help him overcome rebellious behavior. Parents have the greatest impact on a child’s behavior, attitude and lifestyle. Therefore, taking good care of yourself is the way to be responsible for your children.
The next day
Understand your rebellious child
No parent does not love their children, but most parents do not understand their children. Rebellious children almost feel that they are not understood by their families, and you really don’t understand why they do this? Understanding is the most effective way to eliminate rebellion. Listening is the key. Listening to your child does not mean telling your child what to do. You must have a spirit of selfless dedication, listen without selfish thoughts, and not rush to draw conclusions to your children. There are some tips to do this: maintain eye contact, eliminate distractions, avoid speaking when listening, let your child know that you are listening, and do not criticize your child blindly.
The obstacle to understanding children is mainly manifested in: 1. Give unsolicited suggestions. (You should...) 2. Talk about parents' own feelings and experiences rather than children's. (I'm very angry when you do this) 3. Make the child's pain seem unimportant. (This is normal) misunderstanding will cause more rebellious behavior. The nine major traps that cause you to misunderstand your child are: 1. Expect your child to do things he is not prepared for 2. Exaggerate the occasional bad behavior 3. Stop your child from acting like a child 4. Expect your child to meet your needs 5. Blame your child’s mistakes on him personally 6. Forgot how much harm it will bring to your child 7. Ignore the efficacy of loving behavior 8. Forgot to be a role model for your child 9. Only see external behaviors and do not notice the love and kind motivation of the child’s inner love and kind motives. Only love is not enough. If you do not express understanding, the child will not feel your love. So you must first reduce your inner negative emotions and see more of your child’s strengths and positive aspects.
day 3
1. Avoid shouting
For parents of rebellious children, shouting is a very serious problem. Parents who often use yelling to restrain their children will be more likely to experience personal attacks, verbal attacks, and social withdrawal, and lack positive behavioral performance.As you yell, the child has found your weakness and successfully interfered with you. He also learned to yell with you. The temptation of yelling is that it looks like it will work, but it will cause the child to doubt whether the parents love him. Over time, he will think that his parents' love for him depends on his behavior rather than as a person. This makes children very frustrated and scared because they have difficulty controlling their behavior and reactions. You can imagine how you feel when your spouse, parents, and leaders yell at you. Will you be grateful and loving them from the bottom of your heart and correcting your behavior? Yes, neither will your child. The real reason for yelling is that you want to express your anger. When you are really angry, you can tell your child: "I'm really going crazy now. I have to deal with my emotional problems before I calm down." Identifying the reasons for yelling is the key to solving this problem.
2. How to reduce yelling
The main reason why parents yelling comes from: 1, reaction to severe setbacks 2, my parents yelled at me, I did the same 3, yelling has become a habit 4, yelling is my only choice Before learning how to stop yelling, first of all, two psychological preparations must be clear: don't expect it to produce results immediately; your goal is to support the child rather than oppose him. Here are 25 ways to help you stop yelling: 1. Become an active listener 2. Calm down by understanding 3. Ask yourself who you are 4. Recognize the signal of anger 5. Don’t treat everything as a behavior directed at you 6. Remind yourself that your child is not always disobedient 7. Use humor 8. Use whispers instead of yelling 9. Learn to use body language 10. Don’t humiliate your child or abuse him 11. Just let it go He goes 12. Prayer of Calm 13. Remember that you want to control the situation 14. Stop at the right time 15. Say let me think 16. Imagine your home on live TV 17. Make sure your needs are met 18. Have a self-talk 19. Record yourself 20. Think about a calm and powerful idol role model 21. Your instructions should be short and clear 22. Think about the last days 23. Plan and pre-draft exercises in advance 24. Deal with the problem when it occurs 25. Think about the president and you will find that when you reduce yelling, your children will pay more attention to what you say.
day 4
1. Avoid power struggle
Nothing worse than the power battle between you and your rebellious child. The power battle is usually very intense, emotional, and even ugly. Often, you will end up in a situation where both sides suffer, and you will be even more miserable. Sometimes you think some principles must be adhered to, but in fact your mind is controlled by a sense of winning or losing. When you learn how to avoid competing with your child for winning or losing, your child’s rebellious behavior will become less and less. The driving force behind the power struggle for rebellious children is that they have unrealistic expectations of what power they have, and they believe that they are equal to their parents. After the power struggle, he will feel strongly that you don't love him. Unconditional love is the most important weapon to avoid power struggles. Many parents do not realize that the reason they fight for power with their children is actually self-defense. In fact, they don’t have to defend themselves or convince their children that they are right. When fighting for power, parents have an emotional level similar to their children. Only by giving up control will it have a positive effect on the child. First, change your mindset. Remember the following three sentences: 1. Treat your child, don’t manipulate him, but empower him to feel good about himself; 2. When you express your views and beliefs calmly, your child is more likely to listen; 3. No adult has ever said that he has lived a terrible childhood because his parents understand them too much. Secondly, learn to give children the right to choose. Even if your control over your child is successful, it will make your child increasingly alienate from you. Tell your children about the outcomes of different choices, and make specific requirements calmly and firmly, rather than fighting for power.
2. 16 secrets to avoid power struggles:
1. Do more prevention work when you are calm, communicate and love 2. Pay attention to notification in advance and respect your child's right to know 3. Observe what you are doing 4. Have a clear boundary, not always say no 5. Go away after saying your thoughts 6. Make a polite request 7. Think about compromise 8. Avoid negative labels 9. Cultivate your own independent and complete self-esteem system 10. Use humor 11. Tell your child that he has power 12. Remember to say less is wonderful 13. Give it Select and ask for a choice 14. Say "I understand, but..." 15. Children also have the right to say no. 16. Not everything will trigger a power struggle
Day 5
1. Strengthen the positive transformation of children
Although rebellious children want to feel good about themselves, they don’t know how to feel good about themselves. They have done a lot of things that make people feel bad. Most rebellious children have self-esteem problems because they have difficulties communicating with others. So your job is to remind them to feel good about themselves. An easy way is to praise a 5-year-old child who can wear his own clothes, or a 15-year-old child who can not come back late. Whether young or older, we are happy suitors. Your positive rewards will make your child happy when he does something pleasant. This process is called positive reinforcement . This is an effective means that can produce almost immediate results, and in turn encourage rebellious children to want to be better or more cooperative. Many parents will be stingy with verbal rewards and instead use material bribes. Bribery of children with material things will make them unable to find a good feeling and will only want rewards. In fact, the most powerful reward parents give their children is simple and cost-free - it is just verbal praise. Another misunderstanding is that parents always focus on negative behavior. When the child is doing it right, parents think it is what they should do. This will make the child feel that he will only get the attention of his parents when he does something wrong. Some parents don’t like to praise their children because their expectations are too high. In fact, progress accumulates bit by bit.
2. How to praise children
Pay attention to the following issues when praising children: 1. Be sincere in your attitude when praising them 2. Don’t mention the same thing too many times 3. Tell the facts when praising them 4. The faster the praise, the better 5. Praise should be diversified and follow the opportunity 6. Don’t be stingy in praise. Praise can create miracles and penetrate layers of obstacles. Of course, you can give your child a gift as a reward while commending. When giving verbal rewards, please follow the following six steps: 1. Understand what your child values 2. Let your child participate in the design of a reward pool 3. Don’t let material rewards replace verbal rewards 4. Give rewards while complying with good behavior 5. To be unexpected 6. The promised rewards must be achieved. Sometimes the child has not done what you have asked for, so you should pay attention to the child's efforts. Express gratitude and praise for the child's efforts. Even for yourself, positive praise and affirmation are essential. It is also a good way to give yourself a reward occasionally.
Day 6
1. Relying on discipline constraints
Compared with other children, rebellious children are more provocative and more resistant to discipline constraints. This is because they are emotionally immature, will not be flexible, and it is difficult to deal with conflicts. Discipline originates from discipline, meaning teaching. To effectively use the disciplined approach, you must treat it as a way to educate and support your child, rather than a way to gain control. This is the only way to make discipline effective.Encourage and support your children to study and make reasonable choices. If your child can’t do it, learn from him instead of over-punishing him. Reliable discipline is care and understanding. Only when you and your child have sufficient mutual understanding can discipline achieve the best results. Refusing to repent is a way for rebellious children to pretend to be themselves. For example, they need the attention of their parents, feel that they are inadequate, want to take revenge, be full of jealousy, feel scared, and even feel physically uncomfortable, which may lead to rebellious behavior. Regular use of punishment is of no effect, because children have gradually adapted to this intensity. Over time, parents will become more and more harsh in order to achieve certain results. The consequence punishment will escalate until it gets out of control. At the same time, children's fear, resentment and pain will obliterate their learning potential. The correct answer is to think from the perspective of others, so that children can bear the consequences while being uncontrollable. As long as you think of teaching rather than using coercive measures when disciplined your child, you will be non-controlled. Control: "You hit your sister, obviously you can't control yourself. Get up and go back to your room immediately!" Non-control: "I feel very worried when you hit your sister. I hope you go back to your room and think about your behavior. After everyone calms down, we will discuss this matter."
2. Precautions when discipline constraints
First of all, the words and deeds must be consistent. If you say it, then there must be execution. Secondly, punish the child immediately after he or she commits misconduct. Third, willing to negotiate. Fourth, let your children participate as much as possible when formulating family rules. Fifth, help children understand the rules and the consequences of breaking the rules. Sixth, give a private response. Seventh, tell your child how much you love him. What I don't like is his behavior, not himself. Remember that effective discipline is not to prove that you are the controller, and discipline constraints are different from punishment. Rebellious children have paid a heavy price, and we should help them learn different ways of discipline rather than continue to punish them. Physical punishment is even more ineffective and will only let the child learn not to make mistakes in front of you, but he himself does not know the boundaries between right and wrong. If parents are too gentle to respond to the wrong behavior of rebellious children, they will lose their prestige and respect. There are as many rebellious children of indulgent parents as there are rebellious children of authoritarian parents. Many parents’ indulgence on their children is actually a rebellion against their childhood experiences. If you are not overly obedient or indifferent, your child's rebellious behavior will decrease and he will respect you more.
Day 7
Mobilize family support
You, your spouse, other children and even your relatives and friends will have a great impact on the behavior of rebellious children. So you need to learn some tips to win the support of your whole family. First, don't compare rebellious children with other children. Create more opportunities for cooperation between brothers and sisters, such as guessing riddles together, cooking together based on a new recipe, creating a painting or invention together. Your kids need to know that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs, and of course it does not mean it is exactly the same for everyone. Fairness does not mean exactly the same. Giving all children the time to spend alone with you as much as possible will make them feel special. Rewards control over anger. The stronger your marriage, the less rebellious your child will be. One way to help couples rebuild their relationship is to cultivate common interests that are not related to their children and do something new. In addition, the following three suggestions are also important: 1. Parents form alliances 2. Comprehensively use the strategies in this book 3. Laugh together. Single-parent families can also help children get rid of rebellion by gaining more support from relatives and friends.
Day 8
Reduce children's rebellious behavior in school
The rebellious behavior in school will have different forms of manifestation: some will quarrel and fight with teachers and classmates; some will skip classes; some will be more hidden, such as not doing homework, not participating in class activities, or unwilling to go to school. A teacher has a huge impact on students' self-cognition. It is difficult for rebel students to adapt and manage their frustrations and other emotions. They usually attack teachers and classmates who they feel threatened or have not been exposed to. Rebellious children keep telling themselves and others that their teachers are unfair, so as to confirm their feelings. This may not necessarily be a lie, but it is usually not the whole truth. At this time, parents should play the role of school consultant and assist teachers in solving problems together. When teachers also learn to treat children in the calm, resolute and non-controlled and enlightened way mentioned earlier, children's behavior will change. The way teachers treat students has a great impact on students' self-esteem. If a rebellious child feels he is being looked down upon, he is likely to compensate for his inferiority complex in a more rebellious way. When you go to school to deal with your child’s problems, you should do the following: 1. Stay calm, resolute and non-controlled attitude 2. Be proactive in learning more 3. Participate in it and become a partner in solving problems 4. Communicate with knowledgeable people or professionals for advice 5. Have a clear understanding of what you want 6. Tell the teacher what aspects of your child he needs to know 7. Praise the teacher 8. Support the work of the school without being annoyed.
Day 9
Overcoming stubborn disorder
Resilient disorder usually comes from the following reasons: attention deficit ADHD, learning disability, Depression /bipolar disorder, anxiety, alcohol abuse and substance abuse, health problems, Asperger's syndrome , tics-abstract syndrome, other emergencies. When encountering this situation, in addition to sticking to what I learned in the previous eight days, it is very important to teach children some mental health knowledge. In addition, be sure to seek help from a professional psychologist or doctor.
Day 10
Reduce rebellious behavior in the long run
After the first nine days of study and practice, I believe your child has made great progress. But remember that children’s rebellion may be repeated. When your child tests your patience with rebellion, please do not lose confidence. Keep going and don't panic. Keep moving forward, acknowledge your shortcomings, and stay away from the trap of negative doubt. Always be relaxed to your children and invite teachers and family to participate. Finally, don't ignore your spare time. Only when you have a wonderful life will your children truly feel safe.
Conclusion
Only by giving up control over your child can you gain more control; only by no longer forcing your child to be obedient will the child start to listen to you.
