Comfort writer/clerk Yu Cheng
I remember that during this summer vacation, I was taking some time off at home and wanted to watch a drama, but I couldn't calm down and patiently follow a drama. I casually opened an American TV series " Big Little Lies " on Tencent Video . I thought I would watch it for a few minutes and then turn it off, but I never expected that a scene at the beginning of this drama would deeply attract me. .
In this scene, it happens to be the time for the freshmen of an elementary school to get out of school, and the parents of the children are coming to pick up their children one after another. Parents and children hugged, and the children excitedly told their parents about their new day at school. But at this time, a little girl named Amabella couldn't be happy. At this time, a deep scratch appeared on her neck.
Amabella's mother was very angry when she saw the scars on her child. At this time, the primary school teacher asked the child who made the mistake to come forward in front of all the parents and children. As long as he could bravely admit his mistake, everyone would forgive him. Under the gaze of all the parents and children, no child stood up and took the initiative to admit his mistakes. Amabella's mother was very angry about this behavior. She asked the school to give her child a reasonable explanation for this behavior. The primary school teacher had no choice but to ask A to point out the child who bullied her. . So Amabella pointed her finger at a little boy named Z. However, after Z saw that he was accused, he immediately said, "I didn't do it!"
At this time, Ziggy's mother stood behind Ziggy. She, Ziggy's mother, said firmly to everyone, "Ziggy will not lie. If my child is sure that he did not do it, then I believe him." At the same time, Ziggy's mother He also patted his child on the shoulder and said to him gently, "I believe in you." When I saw this scene at the time, I didn’t know why Ziggy’s mother’s words “I believe in you” to her child made me cry. When I looked back and thought about this scene carefully, I realized that what shocked me most about this mother was that she maintained her child's self-esteem in such a high-pressure and serious scene.
I wonder if your parents, like Ziggy’s mother, would consider your thoughts or opinions and feelings at all times during your childhood? Or, do you feel that your consciousness is often ignored or controlled by your parents? Or, do you feel that your childhood life was carefree and you always had to put food on the table and open your mouth? Or do you feel that your thoughts and needs are often treated indifferently by your parents?
Parents play a vital role in the development of our lives. They not only provide us with a growing environment, but also have a profound impact on the shaping of our personality, behavior, values and other aspects. In today’s article, we’ll explore different parenting styles and the impact they have on self-esteem.
1. Different parenting styles
Psychologist Baumrind initially proposed four different parenting styles, divided into two dimensions: control (Demandingness) and response (Responsiveness). Control (Demandingness) refers to the degree of control parents have over their children's behavior and choices. Responsiveness refers to parents’ response to and satisfaction of their children’s different needs. Based on these two dimensions, the parenting styles proposed by Baumrind are:
#1 Authoritarian: high control, low response.
This kind of parents establish a high and authoritative image in their children's minds. They will set strict rules and standards for their children and require their children to fully obey and meet these standards. Yet they rarely listen to their children or consider their children's own feelings about these requests. When there is an argument with a child, their response is usually "Because I am your father (mother), so you must listen to me."
At the same time, they also have a high desire to control their children's own behavior and choices, such as not allowing their children to go out to play with friends, or strictly stipulating the time when their children come home when they go out. Such parents are also more likely to use psychological control, a concept that refers to parents controlling and demanding children's behavior by manipulating their children's emotions toward their parents. This type of emotional manipulation is usually through threats and intimidation. . For example, when faced with a crying child, a parent who uses psychological control may tell the child, "Mom won't love you if you keep crying."
#2 Authoritative (Authoritariative) high control, high response. Parents like
will also set certain rules and standards for their children and establish an authoritative image, but they will patiently explain to their children why these standards are set up, so that their children can understand the reasonableness of these rules. sex.
For example, when an authoritative parent faces the problem of their children going out to play with friends, they may communicate to their children like this: "It might not be safe for you to go out so late, so don't go out tonight, okay? If you want to go out with your friends If you want to play together, you can invite your friends to come to our house to play, and we will be responsible for sending your friends home." In this way, children can understand their parents' control over their behavior from their parents' perspective, and parents can understand and meet their children's needs to a certain extent. These parents respect their children's personal opinions and respond accordingly to their children's emotional needs.
#3 Permissiveness: low control, high responsiveness.
Such parents rarely set certain rules and standards for their children. On the contrary, they dote on their children and will do their best to meet their children's personal needs. But the children raised by such parents are usually what we all call "naughty children". These children usually become ignorant of reasonable social rules and respect for others under the influence of this kind of upbringing, and may even rant and fight against their parents when their needs are not met.
#4 Neglecting: low control, low response.
Such parents are almost uninvolved in the growth and development of their children. They rarely set rules or respond to their children's needs. These types of parents are unable to take on the important task of raising their children. They may feel that their own lives are more important than their children's education more often.
In current research on developmental psychology , the authoritative parenting style is considered by most scholars to be the most reasonable and best parenting style. Many longitudinal studies of human development show that children raised by authoritative parents have higher self-esteem, better academic achievement, and healthy social relationships than children raised by other parenting styles. From the analysis of parenting styles alone, we can see the profound impact that different parenting styles have on individual development. In the following article, we will focus on analyzing the concept of self-esteem and its relationship with parenting styles.
2. Self-esteem and family upbringing
The concept of self-esteem (Self-Esteem) refers to a person's overall evaluation of himself. Self-esteem is formed through social comparison and is the result of an individual's self-evaluation of his or her social role. Many studies have shown that there is a close connection between self-esteem and happiness. People with high self-esteem generally have a stronger sense of happiness, are more confident, and have a better external image. People with low self-esteem have a lower sense of happiness in life than people with high self-esteem, and are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, anorexia and other psychological problems in the long term. In the process of human development, there is an inseparable relationship between the formation of self-esteem and family upbringing. After all, in our childhood, the people who can best give and affirm our self-worth must be our parents.
In the social psychological development theory proposed by developmental psychologist Erikson, individuals will experience the psychological conflict of trust and mistrust (Trust VS Mistrust) in the first year of life.At this stage, the interaction between the baby and the caregiver (usually the parent) will determine whether the baby can establish trust with others. Parents' response to their infant's psychological and physical needs plays a vital role, because the trust or distrust established in the early stages of individual development will affect the individual's future development, and self-esteem plays a vital role here. The first stage will also be gradually established due to different parenting methods.
For example, when a baby cries when he or she is not fed enough or is frightened, the response and comfort of an authoritative parent at this time will convey to the baby that their needs are valued and that the world and Others can be trusted. On the contrary, if babies are ignored by neglectful parents in the same situation, they will think that their needs are not recognized and valued, and thus think that the world is not worthy of trust. It can be seen that only after establishing sufficient trust with the caregiver can an individual express himself and explore the world freely.
In childhood, the establishment of self-esteem will also be affected by getting along with children of the same age, and the way parents raise their children will also affect the relationship between children and their peers to a certain extent. When parents are less emotionally responsive to their children, the children will have poorer emotional competence (emotional competence) than their peers. This concept refers to an individual's ability to understand, experience, express, and regulate emotions. Many studies in developmental psychology have shown that when children have poor emotional abilities, they will encounter some difficulties in some situations with their peers. For example, a child may be unable to appreciate the emotions of peers or experience peer rejection in interactions with peers.
Other research shows that children raised by authoritarian parents are more aggressive, but this will make children more likely to be ostracized by their peers. When psychologists carefully interpreted the family growth environment of these children, they found that the parents of children who usually have low emotional abilities: 1. Failed to teach their children how to identify and recognize different emotions in their early development. 2. Failed to help children establish effective emotional management abilities. When experiencing frustration or even being excluded from getting along with peers, a child's self-esteem will undoubtedly be greatly affected. Therefore, the root cause of children's self-esteem frustration mostly comes from the early parenting style of their parents.
3. Psychological weapons
Although the establishment of self-esteem is closely related to the early parenting style of parents, this does not mean that the establishment of a person's self-esteem is entirely determined by the parenting style. Human beings are social animals, and every person, every relationship, and even everything we experience in our lives will have a certain impact on the development of our self-esteem. If your self-esteem has been severely affected by the way your parents raised you in your early years, know that it's not unchangeable. In this regard, we give the following 3 psychological weapons to people who want to change:
#1 Correctly understand and accept yourself, rather than yourself in the eyes of your parents and others
As we grow up, our understanding of ourselves may be affected by our parents Affected by our evaluation and requirements, for example, some parents will give their children corresponding responses or emotional needs by putting forward some conditions during their children's growth. Over time, we may often do things that go against our own wishes in order to cater to others or to cater to our parents. Therefore, as an adult at this time, you need to try to understand your true self and learn to accept your true self. In this way, we can see our inner thoughts and inner values more clearly.
#2 Establish an exclusive social circle that can support you
If your emotional needs have been ignored or not supported by your parents since childhood, then what you need to know is that you are actually worthy of being loved and supported.At this time, you can learn to build a social network that can truly support yourself and provide you with a sense of belonging, seek support from people you trust when you need help, and learn to express your emotional needs.
In this circle, you are the core existence.
#3 Try to forgive, but don’t force it.
People are not saints, and no one can do anything wrong. Even if our parents made serious mistakes during our childhood, we need to know that they were not saints and the past cannot be changed. At this time, we can choose to forgive and re-accept our parents with an inclusive attitude. After all, our parents were once children, and the way they treat us is also influenced by the way their parents raised us.
But if the pain of this process is greater than the relief you can get, then there is no need to force yourself. It is your own right to forgive or not.
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