One afternoon, I was riding a community bus. What caught my attention in front of me was the interaction between a pair of brothers and their parents: they were two children about five years old. They were on the swaying community bus at first. , playing a game of chasing me around the seat.
Don’t run around like this in the car! Dad frowned and said sternly.
After a while, the children’s interaction turned into sitting side by side and playing around.
The bursts of laughter were mixed with my mother's low-pitched warning, "How many more times do I have to tell you? I told you not to play in the car."
From the aggravated tone, it was not difficult to detect the irritable mood of the parents.
Be cautious and be consistent in words and deeds. Don’t be indifferent to everything.
The children are playing happily like little monkeys under the warm sun, which is in sharp contrast to the tense and downcast expressions of their parents.
When the community bus arrived, my mother stood up and said in a cold tone: Are you so playful, okay? You just stay in the car and are not allowed to get off!
Sensing the displeasure of their parents, the two children's expressions instantly turned cautious, and they said, "I didn't..." Then they followed and prepared to get out of the car.
"Mom has already told me not to get out of the car, why are you still coming here! Dad, turn around." He stared at the children, and then followed his mother and stepped out of the car.
The children froze in place. The driver turned and looked sideways at the family. The car door was about to close. The father stared at the children and shouted anxiously. "Are you stupid? Do you really know how to get off the bus if you don't get off?" The mother hurriedly pulled the two children out of the community bus at the last moment before the door closed.
In this story on the bus in the community, almost everyone in it showed inconsistency between words and deeds:
Parents who want to take care of their children but express themselves with anger and accusations
Children who want to be understood but choose not to respond
You also have difficulty in consistent words and deeds trouble?
I care deeply, always smiling and saying it's okay.
I feel sorry for someone, but angrily call him a fool.
Want to be cared for, but coldly refuse more contact.
Others...
What is the inconsistency between words and deeds?
Inconsistency between words and deeds = neglected feelings + uncared for needs
Such situations of inconsistency between words and deeds are often relative, with implicit meanings
1. There are "important feelings and needs that have been ignored"
2. Use inappropriate ways to express true feelings Mood and needs
If you want to unite your words and deeds, you can try this
1. Be aware of your mood and needs
Behind every mood, there is a need hidden.
For example:
Lying in bed after get off work and watching Hong Kong dramas makes me very happy (mood). I can finally relax after a tiring day (need to be satisfied); my husband keeps asking me what time I will get home, which makes me feel annoyed (mood) , seems to be always being controlled and not free (unmet needs).
Therefore, if you stop and take a deep breath and feel your current mood, you will have the opportunity to discover the needs that you care about.
2. Express what I want clearly and specifically
After knowing what you need, the next step is to express what you want. For many people, positive expression is not difficult. The difficult part is expressing what I need and what I want.
Use the example in the story as an example:
Express Don’t: × I hope you won’t run around like this.
×I hope you won’t play like this in the car.
Express your wishes: 〇Except for going to the toilet, I hope you can sit on a chair before getting off the bus.
I hope you can stay quiet on the ride.
Do you find any differences?
×I hope you won’t run around like this.
(I just said no, but the children did stop running and started fighting with each other)
I hope you can sit upright on the chair when the community bus is moving.
(Clearly express what you want, and the other party can follow the direction)
In daily life, if you can understand more about your own mood and needs, and further express "what I want" positively in the relationship, you will also convey "I Expected relationship interactions", which will have the opportunity to create more relationship interactions that you like.
