Author | Qian Zhiliang
Source | Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
Whenever there is a summer vacation, parents' mood will become very complicated. Although they spend more time with their children, their words and deeds are not always the same. , are all under your nose, and anxiety and worry are inevitable.
A few days ago, the official account received a message from a junior high school girl. She asked:
"How can I make my mother pay less attention to me and do her own things? She is really too worried. Every time she is at home during the holidays, her eyes She always talks to me, urging me to study and reason. I really don’t want to quarrel with her...”
This girl’s voice reflects the common situation of a large number of children, and it is also a very important factor in the parent-child relationship. Typical questions.
As parents, we hope that our children will be healthy, excellent, and self-disciplined. The parenting process is often accompanied by emotions such as worry, anxiety, anger, and disappointment.
Emotions influence behavior. Thus, criticism, yelling, complaining, and control arise.
Parents have been committed to learning and finding the most scientific and effective educational methods to guide their children's growth. In fact, if parents can maintain a good mood, education is half the battle.
1 When parents’ emotions are stable, children feel more secure.
We often say that parents’ emotions reflect their children’s world. From a very young age, children can sensitively capture their parents' emotions.
Edward Tronick, professor of psychology at the University of Manchester, once conducted a very famous "Still Face Experiment", which verified the impact of parents' emotions on their children.
A baby about 1 year old. At the beginning, the mother actively interacted with him. Different expression changes matched the child's actions and intentions, and the child had a lot of fun.
When the still face experiment started, no matter what the child did, the mother always had a straight face. The child discovered it and began to think of ways to attract his mother's attention.
However, no matter how hard the child tried to make his mother laugh, her mother remained expressionless. The child soon couldn't stand it anymore and broke down crying.
Experimental results prove: During the period when the mother has no response to the child, not only does the child's heart beat faster, but stress hormones in the body also increase. If this continues, cells in key parts of his brain may die.
Babies are so sensitive to their parents' emotions, let alone older and more sensible children.
Parents are emotionally stable and remain calm and calm most of the time. Children can establish a relatively stable sense of security and explore the outside world with focus and confidence. Children like
usually have a confident and sunny personality and develop healthily both physically and mentally.
And if the parents are irritable and lose their temper at every turn, the children will often be in a state of fear and uneasiness, which will increase their stress level and damage their mental health. They will gradually develop a timid and inferior character and be timid in doing things.
Psychological research confirms: Long-term unhappiness and depression will cause some children who are originally very talented to become more and more stupid - "In a bad mood, our thinking becomes more depressed."
As the famous British educator Herbert Spencer said in the book " Spencer's Happy Education ":
"When a child is happy, he learns anything quickly. If he is emotionally If they are depressed and nervous, their confidence and efficiency in learning will be significantly weakened. Even if they hire a great educator to educate them, it will be in vain. "
It is more conducive for parents to have stable emotions and their children to be in a stable and happy mental state. He devoted himself to learning and developing abilities in all aspects.
In life, parents are keen to cultivate their children's specialties in all aspects, learn knowledge in advance, and want their children to win at the starting line. However, they do not know that maintaining a stable mood is the best starting line for their children.
2 Parents are optimistic and positive, and children think more positively Chinese Academy of Education Sciences once conducted a survey: Which family factors have a greater impact on children's performance? The results of
show: The more positive the parents' emotions are, the higher the proportion of their children's outstanding achievements.
The genius girl Gu Ailing who was popular all over the Internet before, her mother Gu Yan is a positive and optimistic person. Her friends commented on her:
"You will rarely hear her (Gu Yan) complain, She always says: This is a good thing, go ahead and do it. You will always laugh when you are with her, and she will make everything interesting.
Under the influence of her mother, Ai Ling has a very special personality. Sunshine never complains, always looks at the bright side of everything, and doesn’t easily fall into negative emotions. It’s impossible to give up just because of an injury. From her point of view, she doesn’t think it’s pain.”
It’s obvious. , parents’ emotions will affect their children’s cognition, subtly shaping their way of thinking.
Children of parents who are positive and optimistic tend to develop positive thinking, look on the bright side when encountering problems, always have hope, and have strong ability to resist setbacks.
Parents who often complain, worry, and are impatient will also raise children with high levels of anxiety and negative thinking. They lack courage and self-confidence in the face of difficulties and challenges, and are relatively fragile inside.
Comparing the two, it is obvious that children with positive thinking are more likely to be excellent and happy.
As parents, with more wisdom and experience, they should be a container for their children's emotions, accept their uneasiness, frustration and confusion, help them understand and manage their emotions, and establish a positive attitude towards life.
However, the reality is that children have become the container of parents' emotions - parents seem to think that they are doing the best for their children, but in fact they are projecting their own anxieties, worries about the future, and dissatisfaction with the current situation onto their children.
On the one hand, children have to deal with various problems of their own growth, and on the other hand, they have to be responsible for their parents' emotions.
As a result, we will see more and more overwhelmed children who are tired of studying, depressed, and unable to see the meaning and hope of life.
Writer Mo Yan has this narrative in the essay "Mother":
"What I can't forget is that my mother, with a sad face, hummed a little song in her mouth while working hard.
At that time, in our In this large family, the mother is the one who works the hardest and suffers the most hunger. But my mother’s optimism suddenly gave me a sense of security and hope for the future.
This is a mother who is worried about her. A solemn promise made by a son. "
As parents, we cannot give our children what we do not have.
If we expect our children to become confident, sunny, and optimistic people, then parents must first maintain a positive and optimistic mood, and use their own stable and happy state to pass on positive spiritual strength to their children.
3 Wise parents are all trying to be their children's "Dinghaishenzhen"
Two years ago, a candidate Zhao Qichen from Ninghai Middle School made news because of the news that "the boy who ranked last in the regular test of high school was admitted to Tsinghua " Hot search, everyone is curious about how he counterattacked.
mentioned that he had always counted down when he first started school, and now he has been admitted to Tsinghua University with a good score of 705. Zhao Qichen said that his mother had a great influence on him.
He was full of gratitude when talking about his mother:
"My mother never scolded me for my unsatisfactory grades. When I was confused and lost, she always encouraged me and supported me."
His mother said :
"When he failed in the exam, he came to me to complain. I comforted him and gave him a hug. I had no other choice, so I just kept comforting and comforting, and it passed day by day."
As Zhao Qichen said , the secret of counterattack is actually not that profound. It does not require guidance from experts, nor does it come from some college entrance examination secrets, and it comes from the firm support of parents.
I thought again of the father who spent thousands of dollars on fireworks just to celebrate his child’s “7 points”.
He said frankly in an interview:
"He scored 0 points in the last test, and he has made progress. He just scored 57 in the test two days ago."
"He sometimes doesn't take the test seriously, but now he is very serious. He himself Motivate yourself."
A child's progress from 0 to 7 to 57 is inseparable from his father's emotional stability, positive companionship and encouragement.
Observing more and more education cases, we can find:
Smart parents are all doing their best to their children. The "Dinghai Shengzhen" - no matter how the child behaves, he can maintain a highly stable and positive attitude, take a positive view of the problems in the child's growth process, and believe in the child's potential.
For example, behind the child's naughty behavior, he can see his prosperity. curiosity and desire to explore, and then find ways to provide positive guidance, instead of blindly suppressing and denying the child;
use understanding and encouragement to increase the child's courage and confidence when he encounters difficulties and frustrations. Trust, encouragement and support are always the best nutrients for children to thrive.
We often say that educating children is a practice for parents. Maintaining a good emotional state is one of the most basic and key practices.
Specifically, parents need to learn to self-reflect, through inward awareness and practical actions, to put aside their own fears or anxieties, enhance their sense of security and worth, and live out the joy and meaning of life
[在. Look at ], may we all work tirelessly to become such parents!
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Source of this article : Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs) is committed to providing parents with professional and practical parenting knowledge and concepts. Qian Zhiliang , Beijing Normal University famous teacher, researches on child development issues and children with special needs. Education. Hubei e-Family publishes this article with authorization. Please contact the author for reprinting.
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