Chatting with a little girl today and suddenly mentioned the issue of self-worth. Think back to what I look like in my heart? I have been abused, bent on myself, and denying myself.
I won’t say to myself: You are so awesome, you are so awesome, you are so beautiful, you are so beautiful, you are so beautiful, you are so beautiful, even silently chanting in my heart, because I will feel that smear, that false, and that incompatible feeling make me feel uncomfortable. It seems that if others harm themselves and suppress themselves, that is just and open and honest.
The most insights and reflections I write in my diary and essays are also criticisms of myself. I have no perseverance in doing things, cannot persist, half-hearted, etc., and I criticize my personality ruthlessly, and even say that I deserve the unpleasant things in front of me.
Because in my impression, I have not received recognition and praise from my parents since I was a child. Gradually, I feel that I am just a walking person and is not worthy of praise. Even if there are some words of praise, I will feel that praise is polite and unreal. When someone says that I do something very good, my reaction is that others are so bad?
In fact, I don’t know what kind of psychological comfort I will get when denying myself like this. Is it only the down-to-earth feeling that I get through self-suppression, the feeling of not being ostentatious and not being arrogant can make me feel open-minded? After all, these are qualities that people praise!
However, under this kind of self-suppression evaluation, I feel that my spiritual world is getting smaller and smaller, and there is less and less dynamic and power. Instead, the more I suppress it, the space in my heart will become smaller and smaller, and it will even be a little bit in the end. It is me who constantly compresses my inner universe, presses it down and spreads it flat.
You seem to have made my old problem again, and I am analyzing and questioning myself again. But I think the difference this time is that I am questioning the previous doubts. The purpose of questioning is to truly take back my position as the master in the universe, I want to truly control my inner universe, and I want to restore the original vastness, infinite possibilities and abundance in the vastness.
