Someone asked online: What is the suffocation feeling of family?
I can answer this question: that is a kind of depression that has nowhere to vent, a kind of difficulty that cannot be struggled.
1,
0 As I can remember, I have never experienced the warmth of family that others have mentioned. Such words are insulated from my family. To be precise, after my father became obsessed with alcoholism, his slight warmth completely disappeared.
This year I am in my second year of high school. My neighbors who grew up together have moved into tall buildings one after another. There are only four of us, and we still live in this 60-square-meter shanty town. Who is the blame for
? Blame dad? Dad didn't do that at first.
Dad is a worker, honest and diligent; after marrying my mother, he also thought about relying on his own hands to make the family live a better and better life. But things went against my wishes.
Strange mother? Maybe.
I don’t know how to evaluate this person who gave me life, but before my grandmother died, she was still cursing her, saying that she ruined my father and that she was a bad boy.
words like
have made my ears almost calluse after I felt it.
At first I would argue with my grandmother, saying that my mother was not such a person; later on, I would even listen to her scolding her for two hours without resting.
My mother would not take my grandma's words seriously at all. When she was in a good mood, she smiled and replied, "What should I do? Your son had to marry me back then, but now he blamed me?"
When she met her in a bad mood, she opened her voice and stood at the door to curse her grandmother. No one dares to persuade such a scene, otherwise it will definitely get angry.
Because of my mother, I have never been favored by my grandma since I was a child. But when I was young, my father was busy at work, and my mother couldn't see anyone all day long. The only person I could rely on was grandma.
Although she doesn't like me, she can still share a bite of rice for me, and then continue to criticize her mother's fault.
From the decades of scolding my grandmother, I gradually grew up and connected the past of my father and mother.
2.
Dad is a worker. When he was in his twenties, he met my mother. He was shocked at that time and went home and clamored that he would not marry her.
My grandmother died when her mother was very young. She grew up with her grandfather. Grandpa is famous for his name and is idle all day long. He has unclear relationships with several women, and of course he can't spend his energy on his daughter.
Let's be influenced by your eyes. My mother dropped out of school after two years of junior high school. She relied on her youth and beauty, and she mingled with a group of people from society all day long, smoking, drinking, gambling, and everything.
18 years old, she had sex with a married man and became pregnant with a child. She thought that the mother was worthy of her son, so she jumped into the dragon gate in one fell swoop. Unexpectedly, the original wife brought her to the door, blocked her at home, beaten and scolded her, and was beaten and aborted.
The man never showed up from beginning to end, and his mother, after this incident, became even worse. She was like a mouse crossing the street, and everyone was afraid to avoid it.
And my father actually proposed to marry such a woman at this time! He even cut off relations with his grandparents for her!
Grandpa and grandma couldn't resist him, so they had to let it go.
Mom, I thought she couldn't get married anymore, but suddenly a man appeared and refused to marry her, so I happily agreed.
If my mother has lived a peaceful life since then, maybe everything will be different.
But she only felt at ease for two years, and then the old condition relapsed and began to mingle with people in society. Not only did she spend all the money at home, but she also put countless cuckolds on her father.
Dad's persuasion was fruitless and he was reluctant to divorce. When my younger brother was in elementary school and I was in junior high school, he began to drown his sorrows by drinking, and then he drank more and more. Every day, he poured a glass of wine and drank it before he could wash up. For this reason, his job was lost, and he became older and more irritable. He looked like an old man in his sixties or seventies.
Grandma felt sorry for her son and felt that her mother had harmed him, but what could an elderly man do? In addition to cursing and cursing, only cursing can vent the resentment in your heart.But her resentment was too great and she would never die.
3,
I really don’t have much feelings for my mother, but I am both pitiful and sad to my father.
When I was a few years old, my father would accompany me whenever he had time, teach me to read, take me to the park, buy me figs worth 50 cents a pack, and coax me to bed at night.
I rarely see my mother.
Before I got up in the morning, she had already packed up and went out; occasionally when I went home before I went to bed, I was drunk.
At that time, my father never asked what my mother was doing outside. I thought she was working, and I even thought that the same was true for other families.
The primary school I went to was near my home, and it was not a good school. My classmates were all around me, so I knew my situation well.
Amid their gossip and fingers behind them, I suddenly realized that my family is different from others, and my mother is also different from other people's mothers.
To prove that my mother is not the bad woman they say, she loves me too. Once, I got up early and stayed in front of her bed. After she woke up, I asked her to accompany me to the park.
Mom slapped the head: "What, you still care about me? Get out of here!"
It's okay, she didn't scold me. Such words are already one of the few gentleness she has towards me. If it were normal, the swear words would have been spoken long ago.
After she went out, I secretly followed her behind and saw where she was going.
She went to a mahjong hall. As soon as she entered the door, she heard a man greeting her: "Qiaomei, why are you so late today? What did you do last night? Go to the hotel with Brother Gao again?"
Mom stroked her hair and twisted her waist: "Bastard, I can't say good things. I'm going to the hotel with you. What's wrong with Brother Gao?"
Knowing that the mahjong hall is one of my mother's strongholds, I often sneak there to see my mother after school.
The mother in the mahjong hall is a mother I have never met before.
She whispers when she speaks, and she will smile at the man next to her. More than once I have seen those men pinch their hands on her shoulders, chest, face and butt.
I thought my mother would get angry, just like I touched her freshly combed hair.
But she didn't. Instead, she seemed to be enjoying herself very much, smoking a cigarette, glanced at her and responded to the past.
I also met my father at the entrance of the mahjong hall. He didn't go in, but just stared at it tightly, watching his wife flirt with the man inside, then sighed and turned around and walked away.
After meeting my father that time, I never went to the mahjong hall again. I occasionally passed by and walked over with my head buried in my head and stepped over it step by step.
There are always a few days and nights a week when my mother doesn’t go home. When she comes back the next day, she has makeup on and hair is loose. She seems to have done something big, and she is so tired.
Dad would have asked her what she was doing. Mom replied as if nothing had happened: "Play cards, what else can I do?"
There were too many times, and Dad didn't ask anymore. Even if a different man sent her back to her mother every time, he wouldn't ask.
They will also quarrel. Every time they quarrel, it will be like thunder in the sky and fire in the earth.
Dad yelled at the top of his lungs, and his mother was not willing to be outdone and cursed with her waist; Dad threw all the moving things at home to the ground, and Mom ran to the kitchen with a kitchen knife in between the two; Grandma came over and sat on the ground, pointing at her mother's mouth and cursing.
The dirtiest thing I have ever heard in my life is that it appears in our house.
I was scared, but I knew that it would be useless to cry or shout at this time. I could only go into the closet and hide with my ears covered.
4.
Mom is spending time outside, her father has also started drinking heavily at home, and he has other women.
Once, I took leave midway and went home. I opened the door and saw my father sleeping on the sofa with a strange woman.
Dad suddenly woke up, held up and looked at me with a surprised look on his face.
Looking at his scarlet eyes, I suddenly realized: I have lost my only relative.
Mom beat me and scolded me, but she spent very little time at home after all; but her father was different. Even after he became addicted to alcohol, he almost never went out, and he went out just to buy alcohol.
And I have to go home. At home, even if you walk louder, it will immediately cause a burst of angrily scolding from my father.
I was very scared, especially after he got drunk, his eyes were bloodshot and gasping, staring at me tightly. At that moment, I felt my whole body tremble. Not only me, but anyone is afraid of seeing this.
I remember when my younger brother was in the fifth grade, he hit his classmates at school, and his parents came to ask for an explanation.
The other party is also a father, big and thick. When he entered the door, he pointed at my dad and said that he had not taught the child well and asked my brother to apologize.
Daddy has lost more than a little bit of weight than the other party, but he drank that day. Seeing someone provoking, he stood up and punched the other party in the nose, and he burst into bleeding on the spot.
The other party covered his nose and wanted to argue, but his father picked up the hammer under the table and waved it over.
Seeing that the situation was wrong, the classmate’s father hurriedly pulled his child and ran away in a panic, swearing while running.
It's not over yet. Seeing that the person coming left, my father turned around, without saying a word, slapped my younger brother twice and then kicked me again.
I quickly pulled my brother back to the bedroom and locked the door. But my father was still pounding the door hard outside and cursing endlessly.
I leaned against the door and looked at my younger brother standing by the bed. His face turned pale.
That night, we had never left the room, and we were so hungry that we were gurgling and we didn't dare to walk out easily. We sat opposite each other on the ground, with our legs curled up and our heads buried in it.
We didn't dare to sleep either, for fear that after falling asleep, our father broke in. But in the end, I couldn't resist the sleepiness. My ears stretched out and my head was confused, and I spent the night like I was sleeping.
The next day, there was another big news outside the door. Chengui's mother started arguing with her father again.
In order to go to school, my brother and I plucked up the courage to open the door.
When my mother saw us, she immediately turned her finger and cursed at us: "What are you two doing in the house? You don't study well at a young age, just stay in the same house with a man? Are you shameless?"
"Look at you, what clothes are you wearing? You still have flowers! Why are you wearing so beautiful clothes? Who do you want to seduce?"
"Damn, there is no good thing in the family. When one grows up, one is a hooligan and the other is a lady. There will be no good things!"
My brother and I took a deep breath, closed our eyes, and walked out with our teeth in the curse of our mother and father's indifference.
I heard too much about my mother's scolding: she wore a clean piece of clothing, or even smiled at home, and she thought I was going to seduce someone; my younger brother spoke a little louder, but his wings were hard.
5.
Last year, my mother's leg broke and the doctor asked her to stay in bed for three months.
To be honest, when I first heard this news, I was a little happy and a little confused.
is secretly happy because my mother can't go out, and maybe she can break up with the people and things outside; she is confused because I really can't imagine what will happen to such a family in these three months.
Daddy only cares about drinking, and cooking is my brother and I as usual. I used to be a three-person meal, but now I have to serve four people and I have to bring it to my mother's bed.
The former is simple, while the latter is something that neither my brother nor me is willing to do.
As expected, as soon as I handed the rice to my mother, I was scolded: "You just give me all this? There is not even meat. Do you want to starve me to death? Get out, pour me a glass of wine!"
I found a paper cup, poured a glass of wine from my father's bottle, and then put it into the house.
"Tsk, what kind of wine is this? Only your dad is a coward and useless person to drink this kind of wine! Gangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang, don't circulate in front of me, it's annoying to watch! If it weren't for you two, how could I end up at this point today! If you don't have money, houses, and men, you're all fucking vampires!"
Mom's voice was very loud, and my father must have heard it. He sneered, cursed hatefully, "Stinky woman, you won't die well", and then drank the wine in his hand.
After my father had no job, the unit offered him a favor and gave him a sick return. Our family of four lived on his meager retirement salary.
But my mother still has to play cards and my father also has to drink. That little bit of money is far from enough. My brother and I have to pick up some paper shells and mineral water bottles every day to exchange for money.
is really ridiculous, we actually have to use this method to support our parents! What can I do with
? I am 17 years old and my younger brother is 14 years old. What can I do? Even though this family is so depressing and suffocating, we have nowhere to escape!
In the first half of the month, my father and mother were quite obedient, one was bedridden and the other regarded the living room as home. They did not bother each other, but it was difficult to avoid quarrels from a distance.
After half a month, something even more suffocating happened.
Mom’s friend comes to see her.
The door I opened, three men walked in, and without even looking at the father on the sofa, they went straight into their mother's room. The last person closed the door with a "bang" in front of their father.
The man's yellow voice came from the mother's bedroom, and the shy laughter of her mother.
I dare not think too much, nor do I want to stay in the living room for even a second, and hide in my brother's room. Unfortunately, the old house is not soundproof, and the sounds next door and outside can still be heard clearly when the door is closed.
The laughter gradually disappeared, and there were heavy breathing and mom's humming, and the thud sound of the bed hitting the wall.
I want to cry, but I can't cry. My brother opened his mouth and looked at me stupidly.
Living room, "pop", the sound of a wine bottle falling to the ground, "pop", the sound of a fist hitting the table. The sound in the next room did not stop because of this.
"Bang", the door was knocked open. It's not my mother's bedroom, it's my brother's room.
Dad rushed in and slapped me, making my eyes look like stars; my brother was not much better than me, Dad pushed him to the ground with a palm, and then kicked him, which made him hugged his body and shouted for help.
My crying, my brother's shouting, and my father's breathing sound still failed to stop what happened next door for half a second.
Two hours later, the door of my mother's bedroom opened.
Three men were tidying up their clothes while walking out the door.
The mother sitting on the bed tidying her clothes and shouted to them, "Let me see me when you have time!"
The door was closed, and my father squatted on the ground with his head in his arms and cried loudly. This is the first time I saw him crying.
But my father's weakness and tolerance did not influence my mother. Such a thing happened several times in the next two months.
If I had been disappointed with this home in the past, these three months have passed and I was completely desperate.
6,
I know I have changed. I am absent-minded every day, don’t like to communicate with people, and are afraid of going outside or school. I always feel that others’ eyes look at me are full of disgust, pitifulness and disdain.
The younger brother has also changed. He is getting more and more irritable. When his father attacks him, he will fight back without hesitation and fight with his classmates several times at school.
I think my brother and I are the worst people in the world. It is because we don’t have the confidence and have no courage, so we feel that there is no light in this world more and more.
I often wonder why I was born in this family? How much evil did I commit in my previous life!
I hate them, including my father who once loved very much. If he hadn't been my mother, there wouldn't have been so many tragic things; I hate my mother even more. If... without such an if, how could you expect her to reflect on her and she would wake up? If I had to say if, I can only say that it would be fine if she was not born at the beginning.
I have decided that if I can get into college, I will find a faraway place to go to college; if I can't go to college, I will go to a faraway place to work. At that time, I will take my brother with me, completely escape from this family, and completely say goodbye to my parents.
Time flies faster, I can’t hold on anymore!
