I always stuff a few books in my suitcase when I go out. This time I chose three books that are not so thick. I have long forgotten how I bought it by coincidence. A small psychological story "Mr Toad Going to See a Psychologist" written by British psychologist Robert to the public, the story interprets a standard template for psychological counseling treatment.
The beginning of the story introduces the lively, glamorous toad suddenly changed its appearance in the eyes of friends, like a new person, decadent, apathetic, lazy, and depressed. It's hard to extricate yourself.
friends found a psychologist for him. Toad went to the psychologist for the first time. He presupposed that the consultant would tell him a lot of truth and give him some guidance. Unexpectedly, the psychologist seemed not interested in its story, let alone the enthusiasm to guide him. The key point is to ask: "Who pays the consultation fee? "
The puzzled Toad started a journey of self-exploration.
The whole story shows how depressed patients can see their own heart through the counselor’s questions, attentive listening, full acceptance, and timely explanations, examine their subconsciousness, interpret the impact of their native family on themselves, and awaken themselves. The power of rebirth.
We can learn from these ten consultation conversations how consultants work. What is listening without judgment, what is sincere expression, what is empathy, what is face quality , and so on, the application of some psychological counseling skills. Of course, there are many schools of psychological counseling, and the theoretical basis is different.This story that seems to be read for children, in fact, inspires more adults.
First, altruism is a very important life meaning, and the profession of psychological counselors has this nature.
The first time I saw a psychological counselor, Mr. Toad asked him: "Do you think I will get better?"
The counselor stood still and looked directly into Mr. Toad's eyes: "If I don't believe everyone If I have the ability to get better, I won’t do this job."
Owen Yaron’s "Existential Psychotherapy" in the last chapter "The Meaning of Life", the first thing I talked about is " Altruistic ". The consultant Heron in the story met for the first time and said that his job is to let everyone get better on their own. I instantly felt that working as a counselor to help people who are in trouble get out of trouble is of extraordinary significance.
It's like a lost lamb meeting a noble man. However, the psychologist is definitely not the savior, not omnipotent. It's just that, because of his insight and hard work, he is more likely to have a positive impact on people than ordinary occupations, and his sense of self-worth may be stronger.
Second, the self-help people help, everyone has the ability to get better
Heron's phrase " believes everyone has the ability to get better" is the most emphasized in the whole story A little bit. Owen Yaron said in the book a way of defense- the ultimate savior ,The patient believes in and seeks an ultimate rescuer from the outside world.
The ultimate savior can be a supernatural power, a personal god, a leader of a secular environment, or a lofty goal. We gave up our responsibilities and freedom, thought we had no power, and placed our hope on the external savior.
Yaron said that this model has a history and evolution of life. When we were young, we mistakenly thought that our parents always cared about us, and that we would be protected when our parents were there. When we grow up, we will involuntarily continue to seek this kind of salvation and protection.
The ultimate savior defense method is easy to fail, because the role of the ultimate savior is also easy to shatter. Yaron also mentioned in the book several situations in which this belief was broken. one is a fatal disease, the second is depression, and the third is masochism.
The protagonist of this book, Toad, asks when he sees the heron: "Aren’t you going to tell me what to do? Tell me what to do to feel better?"
Consultation Heron Instead of facing this question directly, he told Toad after asking: “Psychological counseling is a spontaneous process. The counselor and the client should be voluntary. You should consult for yourself rather than to please your friends. Real cooperation. The person responsible for the consultation should be you, not anyone else."
For the first time, it is no longer regarded as an object of being ordered or waiting to be taught. Over the years, no matter what decision it makes, it always asks others, whether it’s a serious badger or a wise river rat.The responsibility is removed from its own shoulders, no matter how good or bad things are, it has nothing to do with it.
Heron went on to say: I can’t guarantee that things will get better, but what I can promise is that I will devote my full attention to you, and I hope you will pay attention to it. Consultation is a whole-hearted dedication... But in the final analysis, it all depends on you. "
At this time, Toad’s inner monologue is: Over the years, I have never consciously put "I" in the first place. In order to please my friends, he even used exaggerated or even exaggerated "playing ugly". Won everyone’s happiness, as if everyone is happy, it will be as happy, but it has never been happy before, and the more it lowers its posture, friends really think it is so careless, without self-esteem, so they are more Unscrupulously "joking" with it-
Jung once said: " There is no awakening without pain. ”Sometimes we want to change ourselves, but it is difficult to act, lacking hard work, courage and determination. In comparison, complaining about others and complaining about the unfair destiny is much more labor-saving. But the self-help people can be helped by God, and only when we realize "you" When you have to take responsibility for yourself", the hero "you" will come to you.
This is " can help you is you, and only you." The real meaning of !
Third,How important is a person’s childhood. As parents, what can we do?
Toad recalled his childhood under the guidance of the heron. His lonely childhood did not have much love and happiness, mainly sadness and depression. Toad’s grandfather and father are both running a family brewing business and cultivating toad as heirs. The expectations are very high. The ancestors are very prestigious in the local area. Toads have always lived in their shadows and have to make every effort to prove themselves.
In addition to obedience to their parents, Toad wants to please them more. It wants to make their parents satisfied and proud of him, but their parents have never said good to him, and some only have blows and denials.
, especially the unsmiling father, either neglects it or criticizes him. The slightly loving mother always looks at his father’s face and will not laugh with him in front of his father. It will only appear harsher to meet the father’s standards. . The mother seldom hugs it, and the toad still feels inexplicable guilt and worry until adulthood.
So it indulges itself and uses exaggerated and stupid behaviors to win the attention of people around it. Until adulthood, it has become a natural thing to please others. It wants everyone’s satisfaction. I want to cover everything, but I didn't think of my own heart.
After treatment by the heron consultant, Mr. Toad never knew what was wrong with him. He was unwilling to face his own "mourning", feeling ashamed and fearful, until he understood himself, the influence of his native family’s childhood, and The story behind the anger.
The author mentioned that everyone has three parts in their body: , parental self-state and adult self-state .
Child self-state: refers to all the basic emotions we experienced when we were young, and gradually developed into subtle and complex behavior patterns. These behavior patterns became the core of ourselves and became the behaviors that affect our life. In this state, we will pity ourselves and express our emotions like children are rebellious, self-willed, and stupefied.
Parental self-state: refers to all the values and morals that we have learned from our parents since birth, and also includes the criteria for judging life. Let us use this to judge right and wrong. These values come from the parents, they His words and deeds shape our childhood life and inevitably have an impact on our subsequent lives.
Adult self-state: refers to us acting in a rational rather than emotional way. It allows us to deal with the reality that is happening here and now. In this state, we are no longer passed by our parents in our minds. Driven by the figure, it will not be besieged by childhood emotions.
There are also two types of "parental self-states", one is "nurturing parents" , the other is "picky parents", 4span is the most common Kind of.
The typical characteristics of "critical parents" are criticizing, harsh, and prone to anger. In life, we must have seen such people: they are picky, judge others, and educate others. Such a person is in a "critical parental self-state" at the present moment.
It is worth noting that "parental self-state" is something that everyone will have, but different people have different forms of expression. It is the easiest to be noticed that the badger in the book is the easiest to criticize and educate others. There is also a more concealed and less noticeable, that is 's self-criticism .
Because of the badger's education, Toad has doubts about his self-worth. Although he is angry with the badger's actions, he will inevitably want to agree with the badger's point of view and think that he is useless. This kind of self-criticism is also a mode of operation of "parental self-state".
In a person's self-state, the three states of parent, adult, and child are one, and the three are indispensable. Among the three states, the parent state and the child state are a natural response of people and do not require deliberate practice. Past experience allows us to react automatically without the brain when facing similar situations.
But the adult state is different. In the Trinity, the adult state is the only one that requires us to work hard and hard to obtain . Only when we are in an adult state can we think about the present, evaluate our own behavior, or listen to what others think of ourselves without immediately refuting it.
In the description,Toad had the opportunity to review his life comprehensively. He began to realize how certain people and certain events have affected him for a long time. He sees how he tends to behave and how one event triggers another.
Now, he has gradually acquired an ability that allows him to remember no longer condemning himself . He can find the connection between the events, can look at it objectively, and no longer feels guilty . Slowly, he began to understand why some things happened that way, and what impact it would have.
There is a dialogue about EQ:
"So what do people with high EQ ask?"
"In general, they have a strong sense of self and understand their emotions. They can manage emotions and can recover from sadness and misfortune. But perhaps the most important thing is that they can control impulse and understand. Delay gratification to avoid rash decisions and inappropriate behaviors."
"Emotional intelligence is about understanding others. A person with high EQ can recognize the feelings of others. This skill is called empathy."
"But perhaps the greatest skill in emotional intelligence is through understanding and responding to each other’s emotions,Build good relationships with others. "
"Emotional intelligence can make you go further on the road of self-growth and improvement, because it will take you from an independent individual to a symbiotic relationship."
When a person decides for himself Responsible for , and when you no longer attribute your unhappiness and unlucky to others, you can realize that you have autonomy. understand that you have autonomy and have the power to change your situation and change yourself.
And to do this, everyone can only rely on themselves, not relying on others to get it.
Psychologist Ade Le once said " . Fortunate people, they are cured by childhood all their lives; unfortunately, they are healed by childhood all their lives. "Childhood experience has too much influence on our lives. We must continue to grow ourselves, and we must also work hard to create a growth period for our children that is less harmful.
First be wary of whether we are picky Parents don’t seem to have high requirements for grades, and they don’t seem to compare their children with other people’s children. But in life, there are constant criticisms, judgments, constant accusations, and a lot of dissatisfaction. The small black dots slowly merged into a big black hole, and the child struggled and suffered in the black hole ……
thought of this scene with fear,Being a mother is not easy. You must not only be afraid of tempering your child, but also maintain your child's self-esteem. Only continuous reflection and learning.
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