Some time ago, Ding Junhui posted three posts in a row on his personal social platform, putting himself on the hot search list.
Some netizens suspected that he acted like this because of his dissatisfaction during the game.
Netizens who are familiar with and follow Ding Junhui know that Ding Junhui rarely makes extreme remarks on social platforms, let alone three posts in a row that reveal his emotions.
But as a public figure, you must pay great attention to everything you say and do. Being able to make such remarks shows that he was already very excited at the time.
There are many celebrities like Ding Junhui who suddenly burst out emotionally at a certain moment and went to social platforms to express their anger.
What affects their emotions and makes them suddenly lose control of their emotions?
According to psychological research, people's emotional response is actually an animal habit.
When people hear discordant words or encounter danger, they will react conditionedly and make excessive words and deeds.
British poet John Milton said: " If a person can control his emotions, desires and fears, he is better than the king. "
It can be seen how important the control of emotions is to a person.
Albert Ellis, the author of "Why My Emotions Are Always Swayed by Others", is a well-known psychological expert in the rational emotive behavior therapy school and has his own unique insights in emotion research and treatment.
+ 01 +
Who controls your emotions?
The father of a child in a kindergarten has recently been in the news because of his emotions.
The reason was that the child was injured by another child in the kindergarten, and the parents of both parties were called to the kindergarten to discuss the matter.
During the communication process, the child’s father suddenly rushed up like a madman and knocked the child down with a punch.
When the child's grandfather saw this, he also joined the fight and rushed to tear him apart, but was pushed down and suffered a fracture.
Afterwards, the father calmed down and said: "I didn't want to hit anyone, but I couldn't control it."
Even he himself didn't know who controlled his emotions or why he lost control.
Similar things have happened too many times.
A person whose emotions cannot be controlled by himself is really terrible.
So why are our emotions always out of control, stimulated by something, easily influenced by others, and easily overreacted?
In the book "Why My Emotions Are Always Swayed by Others", psychologist Albert Ellis proposed the " ABC Theory of Emotions " to explain this phenomenon.
In the "ABC Theory of Emotions": A represents the inducing event, and B represents some of the individual's views on the inducing event. C represents the results of your own emotions and actions.
For example: Two people met a colleague by chance on the street, but the other person did not greet them. One of the two people thought: "He might be thinking about other things and didn't notice us." So he didn't take it to heart. But another person may be thinking: "Did I offend him before? He deliberately ignored me. It will be awkward to meet in the office next week. He will find trouble with me at work in the future." As a result, he feels uneasy and depressed.
It can be seen that the root of 's influence on emotions is extreme views, and it is you who are affecting yourself.
+ 02 +
Who affects your emotional boundary?
A person's emotional boundary determines whether his emotions are stable and controllable.
The reason why most people have emotional breakdown is that the emotional boundaries of are too blurred and .
The environment in which one grew up, the interaction pattern with family members, the family education experienced, and the influence of emotional memories will all lead to a lack of emotional boundaries.
In interpersonal interactions, disappointment and distrust can also cause emotional boundaries to be blurred.
Once, colleague S went to a party. He arrived early, and everyone greeted him warmly with a smile on their face.
The atmosphere was lively, and S quickly joined everyone's chat, which was very happy.
At this time, a person who was not familiar with S came, with a sullen face and a very unhappy look.
S smiled and greeted him, but he turned away coldly and ignored S.
S returned to his seat, feeling embarrassed. The shadow of being ostracized by his classmates in his student days came back to his mind.
From the following banquet to the end, S felt on pins and needles, very depressed, and lost the interest he had at the beginning.
But what he didn't know was that the person who ignored him didn't actually know S. He ignored him because he had some social anxiety and didn't know how to get along with strangers.
S has very weak emotional boundaries and is easily affected by other people's words and deeds and changes in things.
Emotional boundaries are like the 38th line we drew on the desk when we were children. Only when they are clear can we control them.
The father of modern French novelsBalzac said: "If you cannot learn to forget, life will no longer be able to continue."
A truly mature person is to shed emotional responsibilities that do not belong to him and respect his own emotional responsibilities.
+ 03 +
Take control of your emotions through these steps
a: Accept your emotions
No matter when, everyone will have positive or negative emotions.
Accepting your emotions is a very important lesson in life.
American psychologist Pennebaker conducted a pain acceptance experiment.
He invited 50 physically and mentally healthy college students and randomly divided them into groups of 25 people each. Let these students spend 30 minutes each day journaling.
The first group was required to write words "related to painful mental experiences", while the other group was asked to write some casual accounts and kept writing for 4 days.
Six months later, Pennebaker found that the first group of students had stronger cellular immune function and better physical and mental conditions.
He also conducted the same study on 63 unemployed workers, and the results were similar. Those who wrote about painful emotions gained a better life and a better themselves.
The more resistant it is, the more likely it is to cause trouble. The more you accept your emotions, the more peacefully you can live with them.
Instead of fighting your emotions desperately, it is better to choose to accept them.
b: Reflect on the pattern of losing control of your emotions
The greatest advantage of human beings is that they can optimize their thinking and improve their abilities through reflection.
Ellis proposed that we can infer the root of our emotions based on our current emotional state.
You can ask yourself these questions:
Why am I losing control? Why are you angry? Why does it crash?
What was I thinking before I lost control of my emotions?
Under what circumstances did I experience insomnia, negativity, and resistance?
If I don’t think so, what else can I do?
Faced with these problems, you can figure out what you are thinking in order to fundamentally solve the problem.
c: Challenging irrational thinking
Catastrophizing thinking
Ellis proposed that the reason why people's emotions are affected is because there are many inertial thoughts.
"What should I do if I can't do it well?"
"What if it doesn't work?"
"I'm so worried, is it not going to work?"
These negative and catastrophic thoughts can make people fall into a state of extreme panic.
There is such a case in a psychology book:
A man was driving with his mother. He failed to control the speed when turning and accidentally hit the safety guardrail.
Fortunately, the airbag deployed, and neither the man nor the mother was injured.
But my mother couldn't stand it anymore, and she couldn't stop worrying about it.
has been imagining how dangerous his son would be if he did not wear a seat belt and the airbag did not deploy. Would he fly out of the windshield or lie in the hospital covered in blood.
The emotion of terror swept through her body, and the mother could not do anything else and was always worried about her son.
Catastrophic thinking will turn simple things into horror, infinitely amplifying the fear in the mind.
will eventually lead to depression, emotional breakdown, and full of frustration.
Absolute thinking
In some people's thinking, they will set very high goals for themselves.
While these goals give them a sense of direction, they also make them feel unbearable pressure.
"I should do better!"
"I should be that elite!"
"I should make a lot of money!"
These absolute thinking ideas will put people under tremendous pressure.
In his own settings, these things that others think are difficult or even unbelievable have become absolute goals.
Therefore, people who are under tremendous pressure cannot resolve such emotions.
Rationalized thinking
Rationalized thinking is to blame others for all problems and find reasonable excuses for one's own failures.
"If it weren't for you, things wouldn't be like this."
"If you had woken me up earlier, I wouldn't have been late."
"If you had called me earlier, I wouldn't have missed it."
If you deal with problems with this kind of thinking, then you will never change.
This kind of thinking is actually a kind of weakness that dare not face the problem directly.
d: Find alternative thinking modes to irrational ways
Faced with those irrational ways of thinking, Ellis gave a better way of thinking:
No one is perfect, and no matter when, we may have a Plan B to choose from.
If you want your boss to appreciate you more, communicate actively, understand his thoughts, prove it, and do something to let him see your strengths.
If you are currently in a desperate situation and feel that there is no improvement no matter how hard you try, you can also have the option of temporarily leaving or giving up temporarily.
without having to use catastrophizing, absolute, and rational thinking. When
does this, he is not deceiving himself that "things will be better, and tomorrow will be better", but that after taking positive actions, things will develop in new ways.
When facing difficult-to-control emotions, you must act proactively, but don’t be too persistent.
There is a hot topic on Zhihu: "What abilities should adults cultivate most?"
A highly praised answer is: "Emotional control ability."
Living in this world, facing numerous disturbances and difficult to handle interpersonal relationships, our emotions cannot be unaffected.
In short, when facing emotions, we must accept, reflect, act, and improve.
We must constantly look for the root causes of emotions and constantly practice controlling emotions.
By practicing the methods proposed by Ellis, you can say goodbye to struggling with bad emotions and change the way you treat emotions.
In this way, we can get rid of the influence of emotions and become truly free and mature people.
About the author: Xiaobei & Lian Xiaonuan, students of Lian Xiaonuan writing camp, psychological counselors, lifelong writers.
