Ma Dong once said: "The most terrifying thing about Chinese parents is to transfer their anxiety in growth to their children."
He also gave an example.
My mother is 76 years old. Her biggest hobby at home is to turn off the lights. No matter which house lights are on, she will turn them off.
Ma Dong said: "Mom, this lamp is an energy-saving lamp. It means that when you turn it on and off, it will actually not save electricity, and it will also lose the life of the lamp. You see, it is actually very low on electricity when it is on, but it is saving."
Mother said: "Okay, I understand." Then it turned off again.
Every era has its own imprint. The bad things parents have experienced, they don’t want their children to repeat the same mistakes.
is like Ma Dong's mother. Because her era electricity is too precious, turning off the lights is a must.
However, the times are different. The old methods may not be suitable for the new era, and may also backfire.
is a long-term fixed thinking, which makes it difficult for parents to review and reflect on the rationality of these correct actions they have clearly experienced.
How to alleviate anxiety between parents and children?
01
Don't "for your good" but "we are all good"
A netizen named "Lz Four-Leaf Crocus" on Zhihu said: "I have been a 'good girl' since I was a child. From kindergarten to graduate school, my parents have basically never been in charge of my studies. Parents are the guarantee of material life and have always been If you want money, give it.
But I know it's not easy for them, and I never ask for money. My parents will give it more to myself every time.
Mother will wake up from the bed and open the door in a daze. She will not dare to be negligent, nor will she dare to sleep. She will study at home. My mother will open the door from time to time to deliver fruits. She just entered the state and suddenly disturbed her and did not dare to say a word.
And the safety of her going out should be positioned and understood at all times. Make a call Asked, I had never traveled, and I had never been out of provinces except for the city where I went to school.
Since I was a child, I had never fallen in love before graduating from college because I was always educated to fall in love. After
on graduate school, my mother began to urge her to fall in love, so she fell in love. But my mother had to understand the situation, progress, videos every day, and felt that she was monitoring herself at any time.
From daily life to study, to love, I have never rebelled and listened to my parents.
There is only one reason. The love they give themselves is too heavy and they care about themselves meticulously. If they don’t listen to them, they will feel that they have worked hard to raise themselves for their studies. I’m sorry for them and their hearts are cold.
Lz Four-leaf clover said that I really want to escape from my parents recently. I don’t want them to be nice to me, so I don’t have to carry such a heavy burden of love and restrain my hands and feet.
There is another topic on Zhihu: “Under what circumstances do you think your parents’ love is too heavy? ”
A netizen named Baihualin hit the nail on the head, saying: “When his parents said they lived for me and practiced this sentence very perfectly. "
Indeed, how can a person's life bear the weight of two people? There must always be biased, and there will always be people who will suffer grievances.
Some time ago, the popular TV series " Little Shede " played by Tian Yulan is suffocating. In order to make the child not lose at the starting line, he will do his best. Cut the price.
Tian Yulan relies on her mother's identity and holds everything about her son Ziyou in her hand under the banner of "I'm good for you", so that the child can strictly implement the route he planned.
enrolls children in various tutoring classes, and even during rest, they can only read extracurricular books. Even Ziyou is questioning her mother's love, "I think what my mother loves is not me, but me who gets full marks. ”
Finally, Ziyou had mental problems under the high-intensity pressure of her mother.
Although this is a TV series, it also reflects the anxiety of parents about their children in today's society. Standing at the moral commanding height of "for your good", treating children as their own subsidiary products.
But as a parent, have you ever thought about a problem? Even if you are an emperor, you won’t be very happy to be a puppet emperor.
Don’t “for your good” and “we are all good” This is a beautiful life.
02
Don't "leave it for you to eat", you should "Let's eat together"
net "A Shang" said that it's Mid-Autumn Festival, and bought a box of exquisite snacks, cut the snacks in half by yourself, and want to share them with your mother, so that everyone can eat different flavors of snacks.
But my mother broke off a little bit from half of the snacks, leaving the rest to herself, and she always looked like this whenever she ate.
A Shang said that he doesn’t want to become such a mother in the future. Love is sharing, not leaving it to his children. This is pressure.
"yolo" from Yunnan said that her grandmother also left all good things to herself and her parents, and she was reluctant to eat or use anything... Every time she asked her grandmother to eat some good things (there are many at home and the financial conditions are also good), and her grandmother just said nothing, just keeping all the good things to us...
yolo said that in fact, grandmother's method is really unnecessary. If you have delicious food, everyone will share it together, and this happiness will be magnified into everyone's happiness. How great it is.
It’s a pity that parents and elders all want to leave the best for their children, and when faced with this kind of love of "self-sacrifice", children are actually more panicked, just like eating people with short mouths, and always feel guilty.
It turns out that the donor and the recipient are not on the same feeling line.
You can often see such a saying on the Internet. After having a child, the mother becomes the storage of scraps.
Kiwi fruit skin, bread edges, mango core... In addition to the children, if you think about yourself and plan for a little, you will feel guilty.
In fact, loving children is not about caring for them by themselves. In this way, for children, warm love becomes a burden, because when they encounter multiple-choice questions that they like and parents like, children will become seekers because of their excessive love, or become people who do not know how to be grateful, and think that they should enjoy it as expected.
Why not share delicious food with your children with your heart's content?
A netizen named "Far Far" said: "I have grown tomatoes myself, but I didn't grow them successfully. One of them was only ripe for several days. So I and my two children lined up to eat. Whoever was the turn, I would pick the tomato that I finally grew up. No one complained, I was very happy."
I believe that love will always become deeper and more lovely because of sharing. All the one-sided giving is either touching yourself or becoming invisible pressure, which may even make the child feel alienated or develop an extremely willful personality.
Whether it is parents or children, they are actually independent people in social groups, and they all have their own unique outlook on life, values, and worldview.
Parents should regard their children as individuals, not their own accessories, and do not control their children, but witness their children's growth or grow together.
Mother and Dad, don’t leave all delicious food for your children, you should share it with your children. This is the joy of family.
03
Don’t “you are not as good as others”, you should “I am proud of you”
Jiang Wen said that he is an "excellent inferior person". Would you be shocked when you heard this?
When many people envy his achievements, he lives in a small dark room with inferiority complex and shivering. And this kind of inferiority complex has a lot to do with his mother.
Jiang Wen said two trivial things, one was that he was admitted to the Central Academy of Drama, and excitedly told his mother that his mother threw the notice to the side and asked him to wash clothes.
Later he became famous, made money, and bought a house for his mother, but his mother never lived in it once.
Since childhood, Jiang Wen has been working hard to please her mother, hoping to get her recognition. However, until the mother passed away, neither of them had the chance to reconcile, which became Jiang Wen's lifelong regret.
suppressive education is a type of traditional education and a suffocating way of education.
Netizens from Beijing "Wuqie Yin and Yang" experienced this great pain personally.
Wugui Shiyin and Yang said that because I got up early and had to go out at 6:40, I didn’t have time to fold the quilt.
As a result, my mother was hysterical there. I offered you food, drink, and you went to college and gave you a big house. You became the weather like a pigpen.
Then my family bought a sweeping robot and an automatic washing machine, but it was not allowed to be used, saying that it costs electricity and water, so my mother helped me clean up.
But after cleaning up, I started to suppress myself. Why would you not clean up the house if you are such a big person? I worked hard to raise you so big, so you can't be considerate and considerate, and you can't sweep the floor and wipe the floor when you go home.
Just looking at the text, you can tell how terrifying this mother is, as if her child is useless.
China Children and Youth Foundation and the Family Education Research Center of the School of Education, Beijing Normal University, jointly released the "Current Status of Parent-Child Education Survey": About 87% of parents admit that they have had anxiety, of which nearly 20% have moderate anxiety and nearly 7% have serious anxiety.
The reasons for anxiety come from parents' high expectations for their children.
High expectations, parents will always stare at others involuntarily, for fear that their children will be surpassed.
In this environment, parents and children are under invisible pressure, their emotions are very tense and very easy to spark.
In fact, a truly good parenting method will not be full of oppression or suffocating. It should be relaxed and calm, moistening things silently to tap the inner potential of children and guide them to understand the world by themselves.
Herbart, a famous German educator, once said: "Children need love, especially when they are not worthy of love."
Don't be too strict with children. You should know that children are the person you love the most, and you are also the person you are closest to. Your relationship should be close rather than hurting each other.
In the face of suppressive education, it is better to have a positive education, amplify the advantages and reasonably ignore the shortcomings.
You should know that excellent people are not without shortcomings. They also have outstanding shortcomings, but their advantages are more prominent.
Don’t always mention other people’s children. In fact, your children are also excellent and worthy of your pride.
04
at the end
Education editorial department wrote this sentence: "We are parents, fear that we cannot give our children the best, and fear that our children will lose at the starting line. Little do we know that our excessive expectations have caused our anxiety and constantly put our children in a hurry. Go to the edge of the cliff. "
parents always say "for your own good";
parents always say "I don't eat for my baby";
parents always say "I work so hard to go out early and come back late for you";
parents also say "It costs half a year of salary, which is not enough for the children's summer vacation class"...
seems that these parents are afraid, afraid that their children can't afford to lose, but their children don't know why.
I hope parents don’t be too anxious. You must believe that imperfect children are also here to repay their kindness.
Author: Qin Qingqing, member of the Intensive Reading Friends Association. I like both piano, chess, poetry and painting, and I am happy with the firewood, rice, oil and salt.
