Where did your father go some time ago, Yang Shuo's way of educating his son Yang Yuchen caused controversy. Many people think that he is too strict with his children. His military training-style education method is not love at all, but controlling his son, and it is the most inefficient way of education. Although Yang Yuchen is a very warm man, he will appear particularly nervous and cautious when facing his father, and he will be very unnatural.
Just got off the car, because Yang Yuchen was not walking in the same direction as him, Yang Shuo immediately shouted at his son, "Look where I walked from, go back and walk again!" Yang Yuchen was a little introverted in his rain boots, and Yang Shuo immediately scolded, "I can't leave, right? Go back and walk again!" Yang Yuchen immediately obediently walked again. After
After Yang Shuo said in the interview that this is to let the child experience this difficulty. But in my opinion, this kind of educational method that does not care about the child's feelings at all and does not listen to the child's thoughts is not love at all, but that he actually uses control to reflect his authority and realize his sense of value in the name of love.
Yang Shuo starts military training management for his son
As Gibran said, "Although the children are with you, they do not belong to you. You can give them love, but not their thoughts, because they have their own thoughts."
ignoring children's emotions and thoughts, and making children obey unconditionally in the name of love cannot truly love children, and it is not a good way of education. Children's obedience is an illusion that shows. It is that the child's strength has not reached the law of survival before competing with adults. Once the child has the ability and strength, he may be warm and pure, but he may also lose himself and rebel.
All self-righteous control that does not face the child's feelings is not love. It is the most inefficient education. Parents should learn to face up to their children's emotions and guide them correctly and reasonably, so that their children can grow up healthily both physically and mentally.
The parents who control their children in the name of love have gained a sense of value and security "righteously". However, children have independent thoughts and control their true emotions to express and choose, which will make children feel insecure, which will lead to children being unable to accept their true emotions and feelings, and produce various negative or extreme emotions and behaviors, which will affect the parent-child relationship.
1. Internalized parental judgment criteria and inner real emotions will conflict
Associate Chief Physician Zeng Qifeng said: "In the early years of relationship with parents, parents internalized into part of us and form an inner object: one is an inner helper. When he encounters trouble, he helps and supports me later. Praise me. But unfortunately, many people internalize the persecutors in the process of dealing with their parents, constantly failing to get along with them, causing them to have a lot of inner conflicts. "
Parents' long-term emotional control will make children internalize their parents' judgment standards. When the internalized standards are contrary to their true emotions, they will be ashamed to express their true emotions, which will lead to doubts, inferiority, shame, powerlessness, distrust and other emotions. Children of different personalities will have different reactions and behaviors under the control of their parents.
01. Children who accept it are prone to learn helplessness
Children who accept it will be good children in the eyes of their parents and do not need to think. As long as they do exactly as they follow their parents’ requirements, they can move forward smoothly. However, such children often learn to be helpless in life. In the long run, it will curb the development of children's personality and will easily follow the trend and be confused, and do not know what they want.
"Acquired helplessness" refers to behavior that is at mercy caused by repeated failure or punishment.
Acquisitive helplessness stems from the experiment of electric shock dogs performed by Martin Seligman and Steven Mel. They concluded from the experimental data that animals generally seek benefits and avoid harm and avoid electric shocks; but if they "can't avoid external injuries", then when these injuries appear again, they will not choose to avoid them. This is a typical "acquisitive helplessness"
Xiaoqi is actually a very thoughtful person, but when others start to accelerate their careers, she has not yet found a career direction that suits her.
Every time she talks about her plans and blueprints with great enthusiasm, she always adds a sentence at the end: "Forget it, I won't succeed, because I don't have money or ability, so I'd better do this first!"
Her mother is a very strong person. She decides everything from clothes to jobs she finds. She likes to play with electric toys, and her mother said that girls should play with rag dolls, so she took away the electric toys. She wanted to study art in the first year of high school, but her mother said it was time to take the college entrance exams seriously, so she contacted the teacher and turned it over. After graduating from college, I was studying at home and taking civil service exams. A week later, my mother asked why you didn’t look for a job? If you can’t get the exam, it would be too late to find a job, so I was forced to find a civilian job.
Now, whenever a new idea appears, she will find a reason to give up, as if her own idea shouldn't have it. At the age of 30, I am still very confused and have no firm will.
02. Children who are slanderous are prone to lie defensively
In order to be able to get along with control-type parents for a long time, children will inevitably lie defensively to avoid punishment when their children's real inner needs are strong enough to ignore their parents' control. When this state exists for a long time and becomes a natural part of life, views and values that are completely contrary to their parents' views will be formed.
Qiqi's father is a very strict person. He has many rules in daily life and study. He is arranged very carefully and cannot be refuted. Qi Qi was very afraid of him. But he is very playful, so he always tells some lies to avoid punishment.
Now Qi Qi is married and quarreled with his wife a few days ago because Qi Qi is lying. Although it is not a big deal, it has caused trouble for the peaceful marriage. Qi Qi habitually lied to his wife and said that he was working overtime, but in fact he was looking for friends to go out for fishing. When the wife found out, she muttered a few words: Just say it directly if you want to fish next time, there is no need to lie. This deception makes her very sad. But Qi Qi said: Is it necessary to be sad for such a small matter? In Qi Qi's opinion, lying is a very common and cannot be blamed, and this is a big problem.
03. The spring effect of the adversarial child is easy to get out of control
The more parents want to control, the more they lose control, and in the end they cannot be recovered. Both sides are hurt. The confrontational state often occurs in adolescence. The child's self-awareness is gradually becoming stronger and he has an unprecedented desire to break free from the control of his parents.
Adolescent parent-child relationship is like a spring. The heavier the pressure, the tighter the pressure, the greater the rebound force, the more control it is, the more out of control, and the ultimate harm will be caused by both sides, because you cannot predict what direction it will rebound with.
[Youth Says] The show is so popular, one of the little girls is Xu Jiawei. She called out to her mother, can she give me some freedom? Xu Jiawei's mother is a very organized person. She hopes that her daughter can become a talent and has made a very detailed summer vacation schedule for her daughter. Including what time to what class, address, and teacher to take in the study. Including when to eat, sleep, do homework, and play games in life. It also includes details that you must wash your hands before meals, rinse your mouth after meals, fold your quilt in the morning, drink warm water after brushing your teeth, and not shake your legs, etc.
Xu Jiawei asked her mother to not make such a meticulous plan, because she couldn't do it at all. But my mother refused. She felt that all her plans had been experienced and everything she did was for her daughter's good.
Parents’ over-planning makes the children breathless.This time, Xu Jiawei mustered up the courage to shout it out, using a gentle way to communicate. But we don’t know if Xu Jiawei was rejected and was willing to use dialogue to resist her mother’s control. What will be the next time? neither knows!
2. It is easy to lose yourself and go with the flow. It is not big.
The famous domestic study abroad education elite Zheng Renyuan bluntly said: "Inheriting the thinking pattern of parents' unsuccessfulness and listening to parents is the main reason why many people cannot succeed."
01. Don't know what to do according to the requirements of parents under the high-intensity control of parents. Children lack the experience of choice, so they don't know what they will do and how to choose.
Our major is advertising, but the best major in the school is accounting. There was a classmate who often came to school to help her wash clothes, clean up the dormitory, invite her classmates to dinner, supervise her studies, etc. Her mother helped her decide to take a double major. After graduation, she arranged various exams and finally entered China Mobile . Later, she asked her to interview Alibaba , and then bought a house next to the company and often came to accompany her daughter.
Later, a chat, my classmates told me very enviously that I really wanted to quit my job and change my job, because I felt that time and life were never my own, and it was always arranged by my mother. However, I didn’t know what I could do when I quit my job, nor did I know whether I could be competent when changing jobs.
Until now, she still has not resigned and lives the same life as before.
02. Don’t have a sense of responsibility
If you don’t do as required by your parents, you will suffer more pressure and setbacks. When you grow up, you will easily hide from things, follow the crowd, not face them head-on, and have no responsibility.
Cousin's ex-boyfriend Xiao Chen is a mother's boy. His mother's control is everywhere, and all decisions from childhood come from his mother. Whether it is studying, majoring, falling in love, etc., they are all arranged by their parents.
Later, because Xiao Chen's mother disagreed with the marriage, Xiao Chen did not ask why, and did not resist, and directly said that they broke up. If this could be understood as an excuse for not having feelings for a long time, but what surprised me even more was that after the breakup, Xiao Chen did not go to work again and resigned without explanation. It is really hard to believe that this is what a top student who has received a higher education and returned from studying in the UK.
03. Without action,
What you want to do since childhood does not match the will of your parents, and it is easy to promote it when you grow up when you do things, and it is easy to promote externally when you do things, and individuals cannot complete them independently.
Xiaomeng wants to run, but my mother is worried that the traffic outside is too heavy and unsafe, so she must wait until she has time to accompany Xiaomeng. However, when my mother has time, Xiaomeng no longer wants to run. When a friend is looking for a job interview, she would rather cancel the interview appointment if no one is with her.
3. Psychological perversion is imbalanced and prone to extreme behaviors
Psychologists' research shows that parents excessively control their children can easily cause their children to depression, anxiety, procrastinate in doing things, avoid them, and even develop into depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and in severe cases, suicide and anti-social behaviors.
Taiwanese artist Di Ying has very strict control over her son, especially in learning. His son, Sun Anzuo, failed to get 100 points in , and his mother Di Ying opened her butt directly. In order to make his son grow tall, he forced his 11-year-old son to eat the adult food, and he stared at the meal intently. What's even more excessive is that I took off my clothes and slept with my son at night. In an interview, she said that she was trained as a pillar of her son, but unfortunately, Sun Anzuo was psychologically unbalanced under pressure and was arrested by the police for suspected terrorist threats. Later, 1,600 bullets were found in his accommodation.
The desire to control is a psychological and physiological need, but excessive control of children will cause so many problems. How can parents avoid excessive control of their children and create a good parent-child relationship? How to return autonomy to your children and give yourself a good mood?
1. Cultivate interests and hobbies, realize a sense of value and security
People need to construct and control their lives to gain a sense of value and security.
Some parents will feel anxious if they cannot get a sense of value in their work and life, so they can control their children to relieve anxiety and realize personal value. Parents can cultivate their own interests and hobbies. Do not put the source of value on their children, which can alleviate their desire to control to a certain extent.
In the popular TV series " Little Joy ", Yingzi's mother, played by Tao Hong , was unable to gain a sense of value from life and emotions due to emotional failure. Her inner insecurity and anxiety made her turn to over-focus on her daughter Yingzi. She has mentioned many times that her daughter is everything to her. Yingzi wants to be admitted to Nanjing University, but she doesn't agree, which eventually leads to constant conflicts and almost commits suicide due to depression. After reunited with Yingzi's father, she clearly felt that her mentality and mood had changed because she was emotionally satisfied and value.
So parents can cultivate some interests and hobbies in their work and life to relieve their inner insecurity and anxiety. Don’t use parents’ thoughts to restrain your children.
2. Learn to respect and accept the true feelings of children
I once heard a story that it was a child who was an angel. He watched someone liked as a mother and dad in the sky and got into his mother's stomach. Although it is a story, it impressed me deeply. The child only becomes a relationship with you if he likes you, but you treat him as your appendix and disrespect him.
Each child is an independent individual, with thoughts and ideas. Parents always think that everything I do is for your own good, but they never ask their children whether they like it or never respect them.
There is a heartbreaking monologue of a child in the movie "Children are not stupid 2": Adults often think that speaking a lot to us is just communication, and we usually pretend to listen. They don’t care whether we listen or not.
01. Respect and accept the child's desire for knowledge
The child asks you "Why is the sky blue?"; "Why can the bird fly?"; "Why do you have a beard? Dad, why do you have a beard? "All questions, when you have a hundred thousand whys, please resist the annoyance in your heart and accept respect for the child's desire for knowledge, because he really doesn't know.
When he asked, he was actually thinking and learning. Parents should not dampen their enthusiasm, make them silent and become quiet and good children. Perhaps it is your attitude that makes him stop expressing his inner thoughts.
02. Protect children’s curiosity
Facing with the thousands of changes in the world, what kind of people can always remain competitive? That is the person who is always curious about new things.
Stars always like to run to the kitchen alone during this period and keep opening and closing the refrigerator door. When my mother saw it, she stopped him and told him that the refrigerator door could not be opened and closed all the time. This is not a good boy. But let's think about why he always opens and closes the refrigerator door? Because he was very curious about the light inside the refrigerator turning on and it turned off when it turned off. He was very interested.
When parents do not understand the whole picture of the matter, don’t make judgments on their children easily and protect their children’s curiosity.
03. Respect the wishes of children
Parents always feel that their children are childish, everything must follow the will of their parents, and they rarely consider their children's wishes. In order to avoid detours from children, parents always say you don’t allow it, what do you want, but do your children really like it? Only the children know whether the shoes fit or not.
Dudu’s favorite thing is to go back to his grandfather’s house in the countryside because he can play with mud. But Dudu’s mother thinks that mud is so dirty, how can girls like to play mud? Every time I keep a close eye on the opportunity and don’t give me any chance.My mother thought that girls could improve their personal temperament, so she enrolled Dudu in a dance interest class, but Dudu didn't like it at all. She discussed with her mother whether she could change to a painting class. My mother just said, "What do you children know?"
wishful thinking imposes on children. Children may not like to learn. Only the needs emitted from the heart can have long-term motivation. So listen more to what children want and don’t let children become a walking robot.
3. Return the option to the child
There is not a joke on the Internet, it is called a kind of cold, called grandma thinks you are cold. So in school, you can often see children wearing bloated clothes, cute and cute. But the child may not feel comfortable.
Xiao Ni hesitated for a moment when she was wearing clothes in the morning. I asked her if she wanted to wear a dress, and she nodded. I changed my dress for her, and she happily put it on that set. Actually, at first I was worried that it would be a little cold, but then I thought that she was already 8 years old and Leng Nuan felt it, so I took a thin coat and stuffed it into her schoolbag, telling her to remember to put the coat on if it was cold. She smiled happily.
I only saw her at school that many little girls wore dresses. The little girl wanted to be the same as everyone else. I was careless before and didn't realize that the child had grown up and loved beauty.
The next day, Xiaoni told me, "Mom should wear pants today, and I asked her why?" She said that because it was inconvenient to go to the bathroom, she had to take off her pantyhose, so I smiled and changed her pants.
In fact, no one knows the needs of children better than them, so let go, they may fly more excitingly.
Summary
Education is not to cultivate children, but to cultivate yourself
Children are an angel and a mirror for parents, looking at you all the time, always saying that to educate children, in fact, you need to cultivate yourself. Examine yourself three times a day; do
have your own interests?
Does it respect children?
Do you believe in the choice of children?
Understand that a child is an independent individual, don’t always serve the child, give the right to choose to the child, fully understand, tolerate, trust the child, teach him wisdom, support him well, and then let go and tell him, go fly, mom and dad are always there!
[Ximi Mom’s Parenting Diary]
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