recently read the 2019 book "Your Children Are Not Your Children" by Taiwanese female writer Wu Xiaole. This book tells 9 shocking family stories that the author witnessed while working as a tutor. The Douban score is 8.5, which in my opinion is genuine. After reading this book, my "weak" heart is still very shocked! The author briefly introduces to you the following 6 short stories from the book that deeply affected me.
1. The first choice is always dad?
The mother of the boy with glasses is called Xiaoyuan Mom because she has a round face, round hands, and a round figure. She looks graceful and elegant, and speaks softly in front of outsiders. She is a housewife who doesn't like to go out and socialize, and doesn't have many friends. Therefore, she spends a lot of time raising her children. She regularly communicates with teachers at school about her children's current situation, and hires expensive tutors to help her children learn. The husband has a good social status and economic condition, and has particularly high expectations for his son's achievements.
Everything looks so enviable. But she has a mellow appearance and a strong style. She adheres to the educational principle of spanking children. She tells every tutor that her son is stupid and useless. If his son misbehaves or writes wrong questions, spank him harder and more often. No more mistakes will be made. Under this concept, the boy with glasses has experienced the blows of ten tutors, and endured the almost brutal abuse from the ninth tutor. He was forced to stand, slapped, and cursed for every unsatisfactory result. However, one day, Xiaoyuan's mother stopped beating her son. She covered her face and cried on the sofa: " If you don't study seriously, your father won't even want to go home. He said, you can't help me. He is disappointed and upset when he sees you. What should I do? Dad doesn’t want to go home. ”
2. She can't have ADHD without ?
Mrs. Yang’s family is wealthy, and a table at home costs 300,000 yuan. Every season, I take my daughter to department stores for shopping, and every time I swipe my card, I spend tens of thousands. During the day, I go shopping and do beauty treatments, and at night I stay up late to watch TV dramas. At dinner, my daughter will accompany me to eat and chat. Sometimes we have a lot of fun. When it’s time for extra classes, I call my tutor and ask her to wait.
Mrs. Yang, who lives such a carefree life every day, has a daughter with ADHD. However, Mrs. Yang's daughter Ruowa told her tutor that she actually does not have ADHD, but she cannot live without ADHD because her mother needs her and wants to take care of her. Her brother is because of the nanny's poor care. He fell down from upstairs and died. If she has ADHD, her father and family members will not hold her to the standards of ordinary people, and she can spend more time with her mother . Her father also said that the family is not short of money and her academic qualifications are not that important. She is beautiful and will be easy to find a boyfriend in the future.
3． What is the best education?
Qiaoyi's parents are not highly educated. Her father earns a meager salary and her mother works in her family's tea garden, but they support their children in private schools. In Taiwan, attending a private school is a "distinctive" thing, not only because of the outstanding teachers who produce outstanding students, but also because the high tuition fees indicate that it is not affordable for ordinary families.
But Qiao Yi is not happy. She feels that she is out of place in a private school. She is surrounded by children from rich families. On her birthday, others give her expensive gifts, but she cannot afford gifts of equal value. You can only give back your own handmade greeting cards. Facing her father's unemployment, she became full of guilt. On the one hand, she felt that she had brought down the family's economy. On the other hand, she envied her classmates' wealthy and carefree families. As for Qiaoyi's mother, she is actually unable to tutor her children because of her low education. She believes that private schools are more proactive in tutoring students' homework than public schools. They want to give their children the best education, but they ignore their children's current inner pain and uneasiness.
4. Is Chen Xiao good or not?
· "Some children are not bad in character, but they just don't like to touch books and are ranked low. Teachers can easily label such children negatively; on the contrary, some children have obvious physical and mental problems, but their If the grades are still at a high level, the teacher will one-sidedly misunderstand that the child's development is still on track." - Wu Xiaole
In this paragraph, the child whose grades are still at a high level but has physical and mental problems is called Chen Xiaoguai. Chen Xiaoguai's mother got married once when she was sixteen. Because her mother-in-law was not good to her, she went back to her parents' home in tears and got divorced. Later, she met Chen Xiaoguai's father during the trip, but Chen Xiaoguai's grandma did not Accept divorced women. Xiaoguai's father thought that after getting pregnant, grandma would agree to the marriage for the sake of her grandson, so Chen Xiaoguai was born. However, Chen Xiaoguai always took his mother's surname until he was fifteen years old, and grandma never relented and agreed. Grandma introduced another woman to Chen Xiaoguai's father and gave birth to a daughter. However, this woman eventually left her daughter and left. Chen Xiaoguai's father entrusted his daughter to Chen Xiaoguai's mother. This is how the family lived. But later, Chen Xiaoguai's father started a family again, and Chen Xiaoguai's mother also met her divorced ex-boyfriend with two children, and started a new family. Chen Xiaoguai was excluded and became the most unnecessary person. In this world, there are really parents who only care about themselves and falling in love, and they don’t care about raising children but throw them around.
5. For your own good?
Mrs. Ji gave birth to a pair of siblings. After her sister was successfully admitted to university, Mrs. Ji began to pay close attention to her son's study. She communicated with the tutor about the course content of each make-up lesson, and requested that the learning content be recorded so that she could help her son review after class; He will dislike the teacher for assigning less homework and ask the teacher to double the amount of homework; he will actively communicate with the tutor, admonish him for his teaching deficiencies, and propose solutions to make up for it.
Mrs. Ji has a son who loves basketball and wants to enter a sports school. Mrs. Ji, who is responsible for her children, is working hard to correct her son's mistakes, help him and guide him onto the right path . She hopes that her son will not face unemployment after graduating from sports school. She hopes that her son can sit in a comfortable office with air conditioning. Everything is done out of responsibility for you and for your good purpose, but why are the mother and son crying in pain inside?
6. Kind advice?
Jasmine's mother, Mingyu, is a eldest daughter from Taipei. After she failed to pass the exam at a girls' high school in Taipei, her patriarchal father refused to retake the exam. Mingyu was angry and married Jasmine's father, Minxiong, who specializes in goods from the north and south, so she has been I hope my daughter can go to Beiyi Girls' High School.
Mingyu has told Jasmine since she was a child that in the eyes of outsiders, a girl's performance of 90% can be compared to a boy's performance of 80%. Therefore, my brother's score standard is eighty points, while Jasmine's score is ninety percent. When her brother failed the exam, her mother just said a few words, while Jasmine failed and received a beating with a cane stick. Jasmine studied diligently and was admitted to North, a female . However, under the cover of her brother's admission to a famous university, she did not get a word of praise from her parents. Jasmine always had top grades in college and was recommended by her professor to study in the United States, but was severely rejected by her mother. Because her mother Xiao Yi righteously believes that girls cannot outshine boys, and no one would want to marry a thirty-year-old female doctor.
On Mingyu's recommendation, Jasmine married Yongxin, a taciturn surgeon. She did not love Yongxin, but her mother felt that Yongxin would be a good husband who cared about the family. After marriage, Jasmine became a housewife and gave birth to her daughter Xiaoye after pregnancy. Amidst the chaotic parenting life and her husband's indifference, she kept recalling the advice of her professor before leaving school: Your achievements are far more than this. Jasmine's daughter Xiaoye is different from other children. She is surprisingly quiet and her academic performance is very poor, which makes her husband and mother-in-law very disappointed. But Jasmine decided to protect her daughter this time and not let the tragedy of "wronging herself to please her mother" happen again.
As a young man who has just entered society and has not yet had time to get married, this book made me face the parenting situations that may appear in my life. I am really afraid of becoming any of the mothers in the book (the reasons for fear of marriage and childbearing have been added!!!):
The value of a woman’s existence is determined by her husband. Put her husband first. The husband expects the child to have great achievements to satisfy his own vanity. In order to please the husband, he pays close attention to the child's academic performance;
In order to make the mother happy, he humiliates himself to listen to her, sacrifices many possibilities in life, and tries his best to satisfy the mother. requirements;
only cares about having a happy relationship, does not raise children, throws children around, and fails to fulfill the slightest responsibility as a parent;
Mothers have too strong a sense of responsibility, and arrange for their children what they think is the brightest and most successful However, he never cared about the inner conflicts and pains of his children, and even felt that everything he arranged was absolutely correct.
I was deeply hurt by the concept of patriarchal preference, and pinned my unfulfilled wishes on the next generation, and then used the patriarchal mentality to bind the next generation;
I thought for a long time, if I gave birth to a child in the future Baby, what should I do? How can you fulfill your role as a parent? I hope that the following poem "Your Children Are Not Yours" by Gibran can bring you some inspiration and thinking.
"Your children are not yours"
Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the children born of life's desire for itself.
They came to this world through you, but not because of you.
They are by your side, but they do not belong to you.
What you can give them is your love, but not your thoughts,
because they have their own thoughts.
What you can protect is their body, but not their soul;
Because their soul belongs to tomorrow, which belongs to a tomorrow that you can't reach in your dreams.
You can try your best to become like them, but don't let them Become just like you;
because life will not go back, nor will it stay in the past.
You are the bow, and your children are the arrows that shoot out from you.
The archer looks at the target on the road to the future.
He uses all his strength to pull you away so that his arrows can shoot fast and far.
With a happy heart, bend it in the hands of the archer,
because he loves the arrow that flies all the way, and also loves the extremely stable bow.
makes daily reading an ax to chop at the frozen sea in our hearts!
"The mothers in these stories have different images, but they are all executioners in the name of love. Each mother uses excessive force to plan the chess game of life for her children, checking their placement and rhythm of chess. The mother's will is embedded in the child. Every chess piece in the game is so heavy that it is difficult for them to move." - Yang Cui
"The words and deeds of parents affect every move of their children anytime and anywhere; and the parents themselves may also be deeply influenced by the parents of the previous generation. "I have never been loved well, so I don't know how to love others. However, some ways of love need to be learned over and over again." However, parents' love for their children is not allowed to be practiced, because although the love of close relatives is very strong, the pain of family love is also very stubborn. Every wrong test of love by parents may cause pain. Children cast eternal shadows and plant bombs that can explode at any time." - Yang Cui
changed to a TV series!
