Speaking of psychoanalysis, we can easily think of Freud. In fact, our country also has a great god called psychoanalysis planter-Zeng Qifeng.
Zeng Qifeng is the founder and first dean of Wuhan Sino-German Psychological Hospital. I have been engaged in psychotherapy and education for more than 20 years.
He has written two books "You Don't Know Yourself" and "Fantasy and Reality" for more than 20 years.
is not very productive, but very classic. I have read both books of
more than once. Recently, because a friend complained to me about the pain of life and others did not understand me, I suggested that she read Zeng Qifeng’s book, but she said she was not free, so I shared it with her after reading. .
When I reread "Fantasy and Reality" again, I think these three points of view are worth sharing with you:
1. Your unhappiness is mostly self-seeking
words that are hard to hear, but they are facts.
The first thing my friend complained about was that her husband didn't give her flowers or buy gifts for this Valentine's Day. As a result, he said that he went out to eat a big meal, but the guard still did not let anyone go. Looking at the gifts posted by others in Moments, I feel lost and painful.
Because she bet with her work colleagues that her husband is the person who knows romance best, she will give her flowers and gifts every year. This is how the old couple can keep the marriage fresh. Who knows that her husband has forgotten everything this year. Slap on the face.
When I asked her: "When did you and your colleague talk about it? Maybe they would have forgotten it! Besides, even if they knew that your husband didn't give you a gift this year, it wouldn't affect your husband and wife relationship!"
Sullenly said: "Why doesn't it affect the feelings of the couple? He would hurt me if he didn't give me a gift! Because he didn't give me a gift, it made me embarrassed by others! Obviously I can laugh at them. They laughed at me!" Did
ask for such unhappiness?
If a person’s actual attitude towards me is worse than I would like him to treat me, I will think that I have been hurt by him. If we feel hurt, it's not that others hurt us, but our own desire hurts ourselves. ——Zeng Qifeng
When her husband doesn't give gifts, he feels hurt. This kind of hurt is actually caused by his own expectations and feelings. People like
often have a voice in their hearts: You must give me gifts, if you don’t give me gifts, you just don’t value me, you just don’t love me!
didn't send it at first sight, the voice grew louder and louder, and it made myself almost desperate.
As for the evaluation of colleagues, it may be just drizzle.
However, in order to make his life easier, Zeng Qifeng's suggestion is: Don't hand over the criteria for evaluating yourself easily to others, and you will live a lot better.
We have to judge whether our marriage is happy and whether our life is successful based on the evaluation of others. It is estimated that it is difficult to be happy.
After all, people are different. This person may like you and say that you are in love. If that person is jealous of you, or she happens to be broken in love, and her boyfriend’s behavior was not giving flowers before she fell in love, then she is easy to apply Use your own experience to evaluate your feelings. Are you still happy?
2. The so-called others do not understand you, it may be that the second topic complained by
friends is not being understood.
She felt that she had worked so hard to cook health-preserving porridge for her husband, but her husband actually said that she was sour and didn't want to drink it, which was a misunderstanding of her efforts.
She taught her children, and her husband thought she was too strict with her children. This was a misunderstanding of her hard parenting. The phenomenon of
not being understood Zeng Qifeng gave four reasons:
1, you did not tell others what you thought, or you did not make it clear.
2, you subconsciously do not want others to understand you.
3, you don't understand yourself.
4. Others already understand you, and even in some aspects, they understand you more comprehensively and profoundly than yourself, but you don’t know, and you are still sad because others don’t understand you.
The favorite thing many women do is to let their partners guess what they are thinking and what they want. Everyone is happy when the other party guesses it right. If they don't guess it right, they don't love and understand themselves.
But no one is a roundworm in anyone's stomach, the chance of guessing is really small!
Friends HusbandThe usual saying is: "If there is something, you can tell me directly, don't let me guess, it's too tiring!" But my friend thinks this is not romantic and doesn't show their importance. Does this kind of behavior of
take up the first two that I don’t understand?
At the same time, many people feel that they want A, what they express is B, but what they really want is C. When the other party gave it according to B, he looked upset again.
Our understanding of ourselves is often not enough, and exploring ourselves in depth may be more reliable than asking others to understand.
A visitor of mine always thinks that he has not studied Chinese major and feels inferior. He feels that the pen of the unit is better than what he writes. With my encouragement, he not only became the unit's correspondent, but later won the title of national outstanding correspondent in their system.
If he had always held the mentality that he didn't learn Chinese and couldn't write articles at all, then he might have missed an excellent correspondent.
In many cases, others may really understand us better than ourselves. When others say something that seems to be misunderstood, we may think about it carefully, maybe it can bring us unexpected surprises.
However, please do not seek the understanding of others too much in your life!
Understanding between people cannot be forced. Forcing understanding is a state of unclear boundaries and narcissism. If you can understand each other, of course it is a good thing. If you really can’t understand each other with some people, that’s okay, you don’t understand. ——Zeng Qifeng
3. Sheng Mi En Dou Mi Qiu
Sun Li once sponsored a poor university student, but that person avenged his grudge and wanted to destroy Sun Li. This incident was once aroused on the Internet.
We generally believe that if you do good deeds and be kind to others, you should be grateful, but why is it that you end up with hatred?
This is because no one will voluntarily and happily be in a position of being helped by others, because being helped means one's incompetence, weakness and humbleness. In people's hearts, there is a natural pursuit of equality and even superiority. When being helped, this power is hidden deep in the heart and becomes a kind of hostility to the helper. That's why
is said to rise up against Mien's enemies.
I once read a story about a young man who followed the rescue team to Africa. When he saw a yellow-faced and skinny child, he directly took the bread and wanted to deliver it. At this time, the leader of the team stopped him. The captain of
told the children that if he can organize the children in the village to help build a camp together, he can get food as a reward.
The little boy happily organized many children. In the evening, they hugged food and went home contented with sweat.
Real helping people, or real charity, is not only to help others get financial and material support through difficulties, but also to let the recipients not lose their dignity, and not to accept the humiliation of being inferior because of accepting help. In doing so, we are practicing charity that is higher than material charity-spiritual charity.
-the way of the captain of Zeng Qifeng
, is precisely to implement charity that is higher than material charity-spiritual charity.
In a family, the husband does not accept the kindness of the wife, and the children do not accept the kindness of the parents. It is often because the one party has a sense of giving slowly when doing things. This sense of giving makes him feel that he is superior, and the payee does not want to Accepting, unwilling to accept one's weak and not good enough status, contradictions naturally arise. The contribution of
family also requires some skills. The best contribution may be to moisturize things silently!
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