Welcome to Sex and Psychology Research, my name is Xiao Xiangxiang. As a starting point, I want to dive into a very common question that comes up in long-term relationships, which is, how do you maintain passion? And in a study by Dr. Amy Neus, participating in self-development a

Welcome to Sex and Psychology Research, I am Xiao Xiangxiang.

As a starting point, I want to dive into a very common question that comes up in long-term relationships, which is, how do you maintain passion? And in a study by Dr. Amy Neus, participating in self-development activities together is one of the keys.

self-expansion?

When a partner becomes more familiar, it becomes more comfortable. It's less exciting. So the concept of self-expansion is actually a broader theory in relationship science. The idea is that through our partners we can grow and gain new experiences, such as a new perspective on the world. When we think of self-expanding activities, specifically, like we see in most of the work, it's like activities that are done with a partner, but that provide this novelty or broadening. When couples are more self-expanding in their relationship, or when they do self-expanding things together, they tend to report higher sexual desire for each other, which, in turn, actually leads to them being more likely to engage in sex and, if it does occur, to enjoy the sexual experience more. We see these effects accumulate over time. So people who are chronically self-aggrandizing, they actually report higher relationship satisfaction over time.

Interestingly, I've found that self-expansion is different for everyone. What I find really new and exciting may not be the same thing as what you find really new and exciting. So it seems important to address this issue during a breakup, too.

Another thing I found very interesting was a study observed in everyday life. People were asked each day about their level of self-aggrandizement, and if they reported a moderate or higher level, they were asked what they had done to cause that feeling. They're not saying that partners have to go skydiving or go on vacation in Europe, although those things can be self-expanding.

Friends will talk and learn new things together. I remember a couple talking about playing beer pong together. People have just gone to a new part of the city and they might play a local game together. They talk about new things they learned from their jobs or hobbies. So it doesn't have to be, you know, a big event that you need to spend a lot of money on or a lot of time to plan, but it can be just finding these sort of ways to take advantage of the opportunities for novelty in the relationship. I think part of the importance of this for desire is that, unlike other processes and relationships, desire can rely more on this sense of surprising newness, a little bit of unpredictability. The same goes for other things, like commitment and relationship satisfaction. So finding these ways to inject freshness into a supportive, safe relationship, I think is really important, especially when it comes to desire. Of course, this will also have some impact on your overall feelings about the relationship.

The key here is that you don't have to engage in new activities in the bedroom to reap these benefits. What I'm talking about is doing things with your partner in your daily life that are new to both of you, rather than trying new things exclusively in the bedroom. This emotion can overflow and have an impact on stimulating passion and desire in a relationship. I think it’s important to get out there and try new and different things together. We're talking about self-expansion in the relationship, and it doesn't have to be about sex, and it doesn't have to be about the bedroom. Of course, some people did mention that the self-expansion activities they engaged in were sexual. All of these sexual behaviors can be self-expanding, and these self-expanding activities can be many different things and don't have to be specifically about sex.

The Power of Sexual Mutuality

Another study by Dr. Amy Neus shows that another key to maintaining passion is having the motivation to satisfy your partner's sexual needs, that is, The Power of Sexual Mutuality .

When we think of the communal power of sex, we mostly think of giving. To the extent that your sexual mutual power is high, you will be motivated to understand and respond to your partner's sexual needs, or if you want to know what your partner is interested in, you will be motivated to meet their needs.Of course it is perfectly reasonable to have boundaries.

In a series of studies on the communal power of sex, I also saw something we call total sexual communication. What it really means is that when you're so giving or so motivated to meet your partner's needs, you're sort of neglecting yourself, and you're neglecting your own needs in the process.

What's interesting is that if a person does have some kind of heightened and complete sexual community so they go overboard to satisfy their partner's needs, at least their partner will benefit. We did not find that in some cases their partners ended up feeling less satisfied. It seems to be best for both parties when there is this high level of cooperative motivation that is responsive to each other's interests.

This works when it's a two-way street and you both take turns prioritizing and doing so within reason. Of course, there are some limits to this, depending on the relationship itself and your own personal rules and boundaries.

In a relationship, a key way is for both parties to communicate about these things. For example, one thing I often say is that if your partner doesn't know what your needs are, it's hard for them to be motivated to meet your needs. So if you want your partner to understand what you're interested in, communicating about it and why it's important might be a way to cultivate a more communal perspective in the relationship.

So it's not just, tell me your fantasies, tell me all your preferences. It's also that sometimes we don't want to talk about certain sexual things and we might actually be able to tell our partner that we're not in the mood for sex. Like, maybe they flipped, or they turned on the TV quickly, or they, put on something that wasn't necessarily sexually suggestive. We can notice these things, but we may not always, if we are interested in them, we may not always try to understand the other person's perspective.

We might just go ahead and fire up the SEX and see what happens, instead of saying, I kind of want to, but I feel like you're not really in the mood. Is there anything you want to eat? Or do you think it would be more appropriate to make an appointment another day? Or is there anything you want to talk about? I think even when we're talking about not being in the mood to do it, in this situation, we should find a way to respond authentically.

Even in things like sexual rejection, if you're rejecting your partner's advances, it's actually very important to do so in a way that still acknowledges their needs. It can help maintain relationship satisfaction even in those situations that don't usually feel good. You'll find that this kind of active rejection is actually better for your relationship in the long run than sex because you're trying to avoid negative consequences, like, you don't want to make your partner sad, or you don't want to start an argument in the first place, that sort of thing.

This practice of positive projection is still acknowledging and affirming your feelings for that partner. Acknowledge that they may have desires in that moment and you don't, and that it's perfectly okay for them to have desires. This does not mean that you are against their desires. You flatter their needs and you may reiterate them. Like, I really like you, I'm attracted to you, I love you or care about you. But I've had a really tired day or I'm just not in the mood. There are also things like, another day, I’m busy today. But find some time on the weekend, or do something tonight, and then think about or plan to have sex after that.

So I think the important factor is to respond to , such as acknowledging that their needs are also reasonable. This is a sign that you intend to satisfy them at some point, just not now.