Napoleon said: "A person who can control his emotions is greater than a general who can win the next city."
The key to controlling emotions is to control one's own views on events.
People who often get into emotional problems have one common characteristic, that is, they have never doubted that they have problems with their views on events.
I don’t know if you have such a feeling. Any small thing or even a sentence or two can make you furious. You can lose your temper if you have any trivial matters.
Why are emotions always led by the nose by a small thing?
rational emotion therapy proposed by Albert Ellis points out that the abc model of emotions is generated, a is the inducing event, b is the view of events, and c is the generated emotions or behavior caused by emotions.
The complete path starts from a, passes through b, and produces c. Why can’t we master emotions?
Most people cannot control their emotions. The fundamental reason is that they go directly from a to c and completely ignore b.
For example, if your child is disobedient, you are very angry. He has worked hard for so many years to raise him, but he has raised such an unfilial son;
on the surface seems to be fine;
But there is a default in the middle: you are right and the child is wrong; when you default to this premise, even if the child is right, it is wrong.
, the default correct emotional pattern is the real reason why many people cannot control their emotions.
Psychology calls this behavioral state a fixed state. If the fixed state is generated under limited experience, it will have a negative effect on the development of things most of the time.
When you don’t understand the truth and have to use your limited experience to force an analysis of a phenomenon, there is a high probability that something will happen.
Ancient Greek philosopher said: People are not troubled by things themselves, but by their views on things.
The key to actively grasping emotions?
Most people’s first impression of controlling emotions is tolerate;
Endure when they meet a boss with a weird temper; family members make trouble with you because of trivial matters; colleagues are slapping you, tolerate.
But there is almost no difference between tolerating and releasing emotions in essence. The emotions are still the same emotions. When you can't help it, you will be even more out of control.
The only difference is that it is difficult to endure for oneself, and it is difficult to release for others;
is like the same Yellow River water , the difference is whether it flows into the Wei River or the Fen River.
to master emotions key is the root cause of changing emotions - 's view on events , which is what Ellis said b (beliefs). How to actively control emotions in
?
Many people's emotional reactions have long formed a conditioned reflex;
Parents will get angry when talking back to their children, and children should refute when facing their parents' discipline; be happy when they get it, and be happy when they lose it.
is like Pavlov 's dog, drooling when seeing the light;
actively controls emotions is to break this conditioned reflex.
01. Insight into your own emotions
Control emotions starts by understanding your own emotions;
Some people may think this is too difficult. If they can do it, they will not be emotionally collapsed;
But only you know your emotions, because only you know when you start to feel really uncomfortable in your heart;
is just that many people are unwilling to admit it.
This instinctive reaction that is unwilling to admit is the beginning of emotions; the most important thing at this stage is to capture and admit that one has emotions.
02. Examine your own views on events
Everyone has different views on events, and a thousand readers will have one thousand Hamlets;
But most emotions have a common characteristic-unreasonable belief.
These beliefs can be roughly divided into three categories: extremely bad, absolute requirements, and over-generalization;
Their meanings are: extremely bad Infer catastrophic consequences through the imagination of what happened;
For example, because of setbacks in the current life, you feel hopeless in this life; if you can’t do laundry and cook, you think you can’t live a normal life in the future.
Absolute requirement takes a personal point of view, requires yourself or others to achieve your goals, or to default that something will happen and believe it deeply;
The essence of emotionality such as
is not to fight against someone or something, but to fight against your own absolute belief.
Over-generalization of is to deduce general thinking from individuals in general terms. For example, based on your failed life experience, you think you are useless; if your child often makes mistakes, he thinks that his rotten wood cannot be carved.
03. Examine whether your emotions and behaviors towards events are reasonable
For example, when you are affected by your extremely bad emotions and start to think that you are suspicious of the rest of your life and start to fall into a slump, you can go back and relink it. Whether the past unsuccessful life experience and the current slump are bound to be connected.
When you ask yourself or others to do something, hasn't it ever happened to you?
When you subjectively determine that you are useless, what evidence can prove this conclusion? Is this evidence reliable?
Construct a new emotional thinking model
01.Revisit the event
What event is this? What is your first impression of the incident? Can you have any other different opinions?
02. Replace unreasonable beliefs with reasonable beliefs
Suppose you are trying to use the methods of this article to control your emotions.
Although you have tried many times but failed, you cannot prove that you will be trapped in the quagmire of emotions for the rest of your life.
You hope you can control your emotions well, but this thing will not happen because of your hope. The fact is that even if you have done it hard, you may fail.
methods and theories have their scope and applicable. If you try one method without effect, it will neither prove that you can nor prove that method is not possible, it is very likely that the method is not applicable to you;
is like the inflatable head of an Apple phone cannot charge Android phones, but they can all charge their respective corresponding phones.
03. New Attitude
Non-critical Attitude
All opinions in this world have scope of application, so the correctness of opinions is relative.
Don't rush to draw conclusions
There is a technique in reasonable emotion therapy called "stay here", which means that when you are in a situation where you are resisting, you are not in a hurry to seek an answer, but try to put yourself in this state to fight evasion.
For example, when facing slander, slander and attacks by others, try not to refute and maintain this attacked state.
Exploring the truth
All the skills must be implemented in the solution of the matter. Finding the truth of the matter is the ultimate goal. Controlling emotions is to restore the original appearance of the matter more smoothly.
It is like the foundation of a building, with tall buildings rising from the ground.
Emotions are like the fog between you and the truth, and the process of emotional control is more like the process of clearing the clouds and seeing the sun.
It is worth mentioning that controlling emotions does not completely erase one's own emotions, but makes one's own emotions controllable and reasonable through a series of scientific methods.
04. Evaluate emotions
Not everything is achieved overnight.
When you complete a series of emotional control, you need to repeatedly evaluate your emotions to ensure the rationalization of your emotions.
If you reevaluate your emotions in the end and still find that there are unreasonable situations, you need to re-examine your views on the incident and correct them.
Things to note
The view of controlling emotions is essentially changing the unreasonable beliefs that cause emotions;
The more profound the value it is, the harder it is to achieve overnight. This itself is a kind of unreasonable beliefs that Ellis puts forward. When you try to control your emotions in this way, pay attention to whether you are rushing to achieve negative emotions.
any habit requires long-term training to form conditioned reflexes. If you think this method is effective in changing your emotions, you can practice it frequently in daily life until you form implicit memory , without deliberately maintaining it.
Finally, the purpose of controlling emotions is to allow yourself to handle things more calmly, not to control emotions.
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