Reader asked: Hello, General! Female, 33 years old, divorced and has no children, within the fourth-tier city system. I am a person who was forced to grow up. My parents are farmers and I prefer boys over girls. Since I was a child, I said it would be great if I were a boy and I

Reader asked: Hello General! Female, 33 years old, divorced and has no children, within the fourth-tier city system.

I am a person who was forced to grow up. My parents are farmers and I prefer boys over girls. I have said since I was a child that I would be fine if I was a boy and I have high hopes for me. I was sensible too early and felt sorry for them if I didn’t study hard.

I am a good student in the eyes of teachers and a good girl to my parents, but I am energetic in my studies, have few close friends. Recently, I was sexually harassed by a colleague who was older than my parents in the unit. When I told someone I trusted, I couldn't help crying...

Why is it me? Looking back, I was sexually harassed by a counselor in college. I calmed down for several years after getting married, but after the divorce, a married man in the same industry first flirted with me. Now my colleague is harassed by phone and text messages on WeChat. What should I pay attention to my health, contact him if I have something to do, and have a happy weekend.

I didn't reply, and he asked directly in person why he didn't reply. I said he thought he was drunk, but he said he had to reply. At first I thought I was sensitive, but recently he sent me "I miss you!" and made five calls in a row at almost 11 o'clock at night...

Just just ignore him. I divorced two years ago and I haven't made it public. One is that I feel that my mentality has not recovered and I want to be single all the time, and the other is that I am worried that it will attract scumbags. Recently, I had a public divorce because I wanted to have a child to try a blind date, but within half a year, two married men were interested in me...

I have a medium-sized appearance but my logical thinking is not strong, I lack security, and I am not confident enough. People around me say I lack independent thinking. I really want to have a stable intimate relationship. Is it because my appearance is not smart enough that I have always attracted scumbags? Looking forward to your reply!

General · Answer

The last question I read, I want to say, it is not because you are not smart enough that you have always attracted scumbags.

If you have to find a causal relationship for "not wise enough", is closer to "because you are not wise enough, you feel that you have problems and you feel that all this is caused by yourself."

In fact, after shouting for so long, we shouldn't uphold the "victim theory of guilt", but it seems useless. Not only will men use this as an excuse to harass women, saying that "she seduces me, she wears too little" and so on, etc., even women themselves will unconsciously doubt themselves, "Is it because I am inappropriate?"

is not that you are inappropriate, it is that the other party is too dirty.

He harasses you just because he wants to harass you just because he can't control himself just because he is morally low, just because he has problems with his attitude towards women... In short, it's all his problems and has nothing to do with you.

says a small conclusion without scientific verification. As far as I know, many married men are indeed willing to harass divorced women. I have a female friend who divorced and took care of her children. She also told me about her frequent harassement by married men. The same way, she was bombarded with explicit information and phone calls, and she also had "righteous words" in person, "why don't you reply to the message."

Her summary is very real. She said that because in the eyes of married men, divorced women may be emotionally lost and lack love due to divorce, and it is easier to "success". Moreover, divorced women do not have aspirations for marriage and love like girls without marriage history, so they will not "wrap" them, and are more suitable to be their cheating partner.

I agree with her analysis, but all of this analysis is actually "reasonable" based on the male perspective.The truth is not like this. Who says divorced women lack love even more? Even if you lack love more, will it be the turn of those married men to love? What qualifications do they have?

And to be honest, these people who harass you are likely to harass others without any difference, not limited to divorce or unmarried, nor are they limited to personality, appearance and intelligence level. To be honest, most men who are not loyal to you want to be all In, he doesn't care about who you are or what you are like. Maybe even if he is a woman he knows, they will try it...

If you doubt yourself because you are harassed by them, and even start to adjust your words and deeds, you will actually fall into their "trap". They will feel that you are shaken, at least take them to heart. They still have a chance to succeed, and they may become even worse...

So I agree with your friend's suggestion. The best way is to not respond. If you are asked in person, you can even reply to him, "Although I didn't reply, I took a screenshot, I can reply to your wife."

In short, either ignore it or be tough. You did nothing wrong, it was not your problem, you are the one who should speak righteously.

As for what you say you desire intimate relationships, but lack confidence and insecurity, that is indeed another topic. But if you still only look for the reasons from yourself and always feel that you are wrong, then it is not a question of attracting scumbags, but a question of confirming that you are worthy of being loved and confirming your value first.

Happy. #How to identify scumbags##Harassment#

General Guo, Master of Psychology at Beijing Normal University, National Secondary Psychological Counselor, Han Han [ONE] popular author, author of the book "You Are Still a Stranger to Yourself" and "The World Who Possesses You Who Heals and Is You".