Keywords: My boyfriend and I have three-point three-point three-pointer
Question: Leng Ai Hello, Teacher, my ex and I are both divorced families, he takes my son and I and my daughter, we meet on the blind date platform, he is 40 me 31.
Both parties are very satisfied with each other's appearance and height, and their personalities are very harmonious. His income is twice as high as me in China.
If you are on a business trip abroad, because the conditions are very difficult and the closed-door and your income will be 8 times higher than me. He wants to work hard for a few more years and he can lie flat in his life, so he chooses to go abroad for business trips, spending more than half a year abroad every year.
After we fell in love, he asked me about detailed income, future plans, and education issues for parents' elderly care children. He also told me about his situation and expressed his efforts.
The issue will be discussed later: If it is just me, he will be fine, and he can support me, but it will be difficult for a family and two families to combine together.
He said this at that time and I had a clear idea that we would still be impossible in the end.
The concentration of love was strong at that time, and there was an answer in my heart. I had always lacked a sense of security when I got along with each other later.
Every time I want to upgrade the relationship, he is only in the same place. I only feel that he should just like me a little bit and I don’t have more, so he proposed to break up.
Added together for more than half a year and broke up three times. Every time I raised the points and replied, but I actually knew that I still couldn’t be together.
He was just passing his time, but I was still deeply trapped because he is indeed better than many men outside, but liking is different from getting married.
He and his ex-wife divorced have never been said before. He only knew that he was very hurt. He came out for a few years.
After going abroad, the child was with his ex-wife. Because of the child, he was also communicating with his ex-wife at any time, but he said that it is impossible to get back together.
We broke up after he went abroad and broke off the connection for three months. I naively thought he still had emotional internal injuries that need healing, and I was also injured by three points.
I asked him again to get back together and want to warm him through rational company. He said that there were other women chasing him, but he had not agreed or agreed to me.
We will also talk ambiguously and say bad words when we talk about our feelings. When it comes to our relationship, he says he just wants to lie flat. When talking about
, he might have hurt him and he will not reply to me.
Please analyze it!
Answer: The above story is very typical.
The heroine broke up three times and then reunited three times. We can feel the heroine's grievance, helplessness, and reluctantness in this relationship.
When the man mentioned this relationship, he just wanted to lie down and did not agree to the heroine's reunion. However, he did not refuse to chat, and he would also speak ambiguously and swear words during chatting. We can see that the man is not proactive, refuses, and is irresponsible now.
We oppose men's "three non-behaviors".
I have developed my response to this story from the following three aspects:
1, the emotional process.
All emotional processes are the result of repeated interactions.
Did the man do not take the initiative, refuse or be irresponsible from the beginning?
Judging from the description of the heroine, this is not the case.
At the beginning, the heroine and the man established a romantic relationship. The man asked the heroine about the detailed income, future plans, parents' retirement, and children's education. He also told the heroine about his situation and expressed his efforts.
At this time, the man showed a long-term development intention.
When discussing this issue later, the man's attitude was: if he was just the heroine, he would be fine at all, and he could raise the heroine, but it would be difficult for a family and two families to combine together.
The implication is that the heroine divorced and took her daughter, and it would be very difficult for the two to get married.
It is obvious that the man’s willingness to get married has been reduced.
Here, we can understand the heroine's insecurity very well.
It is easy for us to accuse this man, but compared to accusing, it is more important for the heroine to figure out what the reason behind this is.
In fact, what the man mentioned in the public is just one of the factors, and another important factor is that the comfort level of the two people is not high. We can see some clues from their chat records.
2, communication expression.
The heroine said to the man at the beginning of the first chat record, "Let's break up, you actually don't like me that much." The man was a little surprised, "What's the situation?"
The heroine replied, "There is no situation, I just can't feel your likes and preferences, or your long-term development attitude."
What is preference?
There is a saying: You must be the cinnabar mole in his heart to get favored, but you are just the white rice grains on his mouth.
The heroine said to the man, "I don't feel how much you like me... I haven't asked about my parents and children..." I can understand the heroine very well. If a man really wants to marry her sincerely, he will naturally ask her parents and children.
But the heroine next talks about the hero "I don't want to share everything with me, I always want to be with me, and I don't have strong emotional needs."
language is a reflection of a person's cognition and emotions.
From these few words of the heroine, I felt the heroine's strong emotional needs. The heroine hopes that the man can think of the heroine in every thing and always want to be with the heroine.
Such expectations will put most people in great pressure and feel too tight and oppressive.
In fact, this state is just a plot that only occurs in romance novel and romance dramas. In real life, thinking about being together all the time is a manifestation of completely losing oneself.
The female protagonist's expectation is full of pink bubbles and is not in line with reality.
In addition to chatting with oppressiveness, the heroine sometimes has ironic chats, just as the man said that the heroine "has something in her words".
In the fourth picture of the chat screenshot, when the two discussed Li Yifeng's prostitution, the heroine said, "It's better than some men just want to enjoy free for a long time."
emphasizes the important words, say three times: "This view is not what we say, not what we say, not what we say! It is what the heroine said in the chat record!"
From this, we can deduce a conclusion that the heroine believes that this man only wants to enjoy long-term free.
Although the heroine explained at the end that she had a female friend and her ex had not been married for seven years, if the heroine herself had not thought so, the heroine would not say so.
Of course we are very opposed to men and just want to enjoy the long-term free one.
But for the heroine, even if she really thinks so in her heart, she either leaves with pleasure, or improves herself and adjusts the relationship between the two first, it is better than saying this sentence that makes people feel bad.
The heroine said that she was "deeply trapped in this relationship, because he is indeed better than many men outside in all aspects" and "is very satisfied with the other person's appearance, height, personality, and getting along very harmoniously."
is obvious, the man's condition is better than the woman.
Combined with our [Mission Psychology], in the first dimension of life, a long-term and stable relationship is bound to be an accurate value matching.
Women mainly want to have a long-term and stable relationship with a man with better conditions than themselves, then "the conditions are not enough, so we can get the emotions."
But just like the heroine said to the man, "I didn't do well enough, either... I also asked you for emotional needs."
The heroine not only did not provide emotional value, but was also asking for emotional value.
This is also one of the important reasons why the man is only in the same place every time the heroine wants to upgrade her relationship.
3, pseudo-retraction.
The heroine said, "I have been together for more than half a year and I have broken up and got back together three times, and each time I have to raise the points and I have to reply."
The heroine mentioned the breakup and then asked for a reunion. In fact, the heroine proposed to break up to be retained, which is called "fake retreat".
But just like the lies that the wolf is coming, when the wolf is really coming, others don’t believe it.
The consequence of many girls' false retraction is that when false retraction is more than two or three times, most men will no longer believe this girl.
When the girl retreated for the first time, she said we should break up. The man was a little alert and wanted to keep him. He would figure out what the situation was and then adjust his relationship.
But when a girl breaks up for the second and third time, in the eyes of the man, the girl becomes a person who is not worthy of being trusted.
The man will also doubt whether the girl is serious about this relationship, and the man's sincerity towards this relationship will be greatly reduced.
So, don’t break up easily, don’t “false retreat” easily.
Before asking for breakup, I asked myself a few questions seriously: "Is it because I asked for breakup to be retained? Is it to vent my emotions? Is it to make him better for me?"
If at least one of the answers to these three questions is "yes", then after the breakup, I will most likely regret it.
If you want to get back together after breaking up, it is to shoot yourself in the foot, and you will become more and more passive in your relationship.
is like the heroine. After breaking up three times, I regret it three times, and then I ask for reconciliation three times.
The first two times, the man agreed to get back together; but in the end, the man did not agree to the heroine again. When the hero mentioned this relationship, he said that he just wanted to lie flat.
So, before everyone wants to break up, you must "think twice before you act".
Whether it is feelings, work or other aspects of life, there is a wise way of thinking called "starting from the end".
means to first think clearly about what the end point you want and what your purpose is, and then push it back and think about what you need to do now?
If breaking up is not your real purpose, it is just a means to vent your emotions and want him to be better for you, then don’t mention breaking up.
At this time, combined with the "end-to-start" thinking method to transform a way of thinking: "Can you really treat me better? In order to make him treat me better, what other ways are there besides breaking up?"
The Tao Te Ching says: "If you want to take it, you must give it."
A man wants to marry a woman home, he must first give the woman what she wants, such as a sense of security, commitment, etc.
Similarly, if the heroine wants the man to marry him home, she must first give the man what he wants, such as comfort, a feeling of home, etc.
or above, I share this story from three aspects: emotional process, communication expression, and false withdrawal. Hope it will inspire you. Wish the heroine.
Creative Team | Leng Ai Fangshang Qianxi
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-