I am a single mother and have been divorced from my ex-husband for 4 years. During these four years, because I was busy with my livelihood, I had never thought about remarriage. But recently, two feelings suddenly appeared in front of me, and I was a little confused about what to

I am a single mother and have been divorced from my ex-husband for 4 years. During these four years, because I was busy with my livelihood, I had never thought about remarriage. But recently, two feelings suddenly appeared in front of me, and I was a little confused about what to do.

■Conveyor: Caicai

(all the characters in the story are pseudonyms)

■Age: 29 years old

■Occupation: Staff

(I)

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Two months ago, a friend introduced me to my current boyfriend Yue Hua. My friend said at the time that this person is good, he values ​​friendship, is very enthusiastic about his friends, and has a relatively stable job.

I originally had no plans to remarry, but my friend has been advising me that it has been so many years, so don’t hold on anymore. These days, it is not easy for a woman to pull a child. If you have the right one, just take a step forward. My friend's persuasion made me feel a little moved, so I agreed.

A few days later, Yue Hua took the initiative to call me. The meeting place was in a teahouse near my house, and he found it. He said, it is convenient to get home closer to your home.

On the day we met, Yue Hua wore a blue dress and a pair of glasses. He was a little thin, but very energetic. Although it was our first time meeting, we felt pretty good with each other, so we decided to try it out for a while.

After more than a month of getting along, Yue Hua and I moved together. We agreed that if we get along more easily and happily, we will get the marriage certificate as soon as possible. But unexpectedly, I felt a little uncomfortable just after living together.

Yue Hua is an honest person. When he first met, he told me the reason for his divorce from his wife. His divorce process was not complicated. He accidentally discovered evidence of his ex-wife checking in with a netizen and immediately decided to divorce. But his ex-wife did not want to divorce and threatened him that if he wanted to divorce, his daughter must be kept for her. Yue Hua, who was angry, agreed immediately.

After they divorced, his ex-wife often used the excuse of his daughter wanting him to let him go. I didn't know about this before. When Yue Hua and I lived together, I realized that his ex-wife always deliberately made excuses to let him go back. Today I said that the gas stove was broken, and tomorrow I said that the bathroom heater light was no longer on. Every time he receives a call from his ex-wife, Yue Hua always goes out immediately without saying a word.

(II)

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Starting from this, I think Yue Hua is quite affectionate and loyal to do this. When his ex-wife hurts him like that, he is still willing to lend a helping hand when the other party needs it. But with too many such things, I can't accept it. I think Yue Hua's ex-wife has other ideas, and I think it's a bit too much for Yue Hua to do this.

That day, I told Yue Hua, if you can't forget their mother and daughter, then go back to her. Yue Hua explained: "It's not what you think, it's because I feel sorry for the child. The gas is broken and the child can't eat; the bathroom heater is broken, and the child can't take a shower... My mother and I divorced my child, and it has hurt the child. I don't want to make the child feel wronged because of these trivial matters." Yue Hua also said that they couldn't get together again because he can never forgive the psychological harm caused to him by his ex-wife.

But I still felt uncomfortable. After Yue Hua was called away by his ex-wife's phone call again, I decided to break up with him. I left him a WeChat message and said: "I'm sorry, I don't want to think that I am the third party between you. If you can't handle your relationship well, let's separate."

I thought that my relationship with Yue Hua was not deep enough to that extent, and there wouldn't be much pain when the short-term relationship ended. But that night, I still had insomnia. In just a short time, I became familiar with the existence of such a person around me, including the teeth and towels he used in the bathroom.

That night, Yue Hua did not come back. However, I received a call from him in the middle of the night. He got drunk and said that I didn't understand him. He was actually in pain. He wanted to come back, but was afraid that I wouldn't accept him.

To be honest, when I heard his uncomfortable voice from the phone, my heart was still a little soft. But I warn myself not to step into pain because of a moment of soft heart.It is very important for me and my children to consider this relationship carefully. I can no longer hurt my child because of a wrong relationship.

In fact, I promised to get along with Yue Hua, and I also had a selfish little purpose, which was to get rid of my ex-husband's entanglement. Before I met Yue Hua, my ex-husband had already looked for me.

That day, I came back with my child and just arrived at the doorstep. I saw him standing at the door with some fruit in his hand. In front of the child, I let him in, after all, he is the child's father.

That night, the child insisted on keeping my ex-husband at home for dinner. I don’t know how he moved the child. Maybe this is the kind of father-son family relationship that cannot be cut off. I felt soft-hearted and agreed.

The child was very happy that day and begged me, saying that she wanted her father to sleep with her. In the end, I convinced the child to let his ex-husband leave. I actually know that he has never remarried and wants to remarry me.

Almost every time he sees his child, the child will always tell me, Mom, I want my dad to come home to live. I never promised the child because I no longer have confidence in him. When I divorced him, the child was only two years old. In the past 4 years after the divorce, we occasionally contacted him because of the children, but I never thought that one day I would remarry him.

(III)

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Ex-husband may have heard of the news that I have a boyfriend, and he often calls me and sees the child more times than before. The child’s grandparents and grandpa once advised me, saying: “We know he’s sorry for you, but after all, he’s the child’s biological father. Besides, he can’t let you go.”

But I can’t get over this hurdle in my heart because everything that happened in the past has laid a deep shadow in my heart. Thinking about those years of worrying days, I was really scared.

I remember when we first got married, our little life was pretty good. The ex-husband's unit has good performance and a lot of income. Although my salary is not large, I am stable. Although we have been introduced to others, our relationship has always been very good. He is very tolerant of me and helps me with housework at home, and does not smoke or drink. But such a good person has been involved in gambling for some reason.

At that time, he was responsible for the business of the unit, and many customers had to pass through his hands. When the money was small, it was a few thousand yuan, and when the more it was small, it was a few thousand yuan. I don’t know if it was because he saw too many rich people, too much money passed through him every day, or because he was tempted by bad people, but afterwards, he changed and started gambling.

At first, he just played mahjong in the chess and card room in the community, and his winning or losing was only a few hundred yuan. When I found out, I said a few words to him did not affect our relationship and life.

Later he met some friends and began to take him to and from gambling places. After that, he was like a different person and began to bet wildly. He first bet on all the public funds of more than 100,000 yuan. Later, he secretly took out the family's money to bet.

When we got married, my mother gave me 20,000 yuan, and I saved it on a card and prepared to buy insurance for my child. Who knew that when I opened the locked drawer one day, I found that not only did the card disappear, but the gold jewelry I bought when I got married was gone.

At that time, I was so angry that I cried, and beat him hard and asked him to return the money and jewelry to me. He didn't say a word or resisted. Later, he couldn't pay the gambling debt, so he started playing and disappeared, his mobile phone turned off, and the unit didn't go. Every time I look around, wait until I contact someone and then go over to pick him up.

(IV)

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Every time I arrive at the place he agreed to, I will call him and tell him that I am here. Then he walked out of nowhere, like a child who made a mistake, with his head hanging down, standing in front of him, letting you beat and scold him. And every time I have a beard and I don’t know how many days I have changed my clothes. Looking at his pitiful look, it makes people hate, angry and distressed.

Every time he gets someone back, he tells me how much money he owe. Because he couldn't pay it back, he ran away. There was no way, the whole family found a way to help him pay back the money.For more than a year, almost two years, I have come through this situation.

The initial idea was very simple, just treat it as for the child, and as long as he can change it, I can accept it. Every time he comes back, he will regret it, cry and swear to quit gambling. He agrees to the conditions I say, and he nods repeatedly whatever I say, but it doesn't take long, and he will repeat the same trick.

The last and most powerful time, he lost more than 100,000 yuan at once, all of which were borrowed. This time I didn't pay off his debts and I didn't have the money to pay them back, so I filed for divorce directly.

This time, I completely gave up, and I finally realized that he couldn't quit this bet. I earned 3,000 or 4,000 yuan a month, but he lost more than 300,000 yuan in three or four years. Even if I don’t eat or drink, it will take nearly ten years.

Now think about it, I was really tired at that time. At that time, my family also advised me. My mother has shown me a lot of reports, and it is also terrifying that many people have been gambled to lose their entire family, have a lot of debt, and have lost their families.

Just a few days ago, I saw a case on TV. A young man kidnapped his children because he couldn't pay his gambling debt. Think about it, I was lucky enough to divorce my ex-husband, otherwise my child and I would not know what kind of life we ​​will live now.

(V)

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When I got divorced, I only got the children and he lost all the property at home. I have been working very hard and have a part-time job in my spare time, and I have almost no time to rest.

From the beginning of renting a house to the present, with the help of my parents, I have now bought a small house with a loan. Only I know how hard life is along the way.

My daughter and I have been living a frugal life. All year round, I go to the morning market to buy the cheapest dishes. Fortunately, my daughter is very good at studying and I don’t need to sign her up for any specialty classes. From this point of view, I am still very pleased.

is just sometimes, when I feel very tired, I really want to have a support, but I also know that I can't be hasty. If I can’t find the right person, I would rather live by myself. Because I am afraid of hurting the child, and I am afraid that I will choose the wrong choice again and be injured again.

People say that gambling and drug use can never be changed. Although my ex-husband now confesses his faithfully that he no longer gambles, I cannot be sure of this. I always think there is nothing wrong with our relationship, but his bet has hurt my heart, but thinking about it on the other hand, if he had deep enough feelings for me, he wouldn't have been gambled.

Now, Yue Hua and his ex-husband, I don’t know how to choose these two men. I had already asked Yue Hua to break up, but he refused to agree, saying that he contacted his ex-wife because he felt sorry for the child. He had no feelings for her, so he could try not to contact her in the future. But I also know that as long as there is a child, he will not be able to do it.

In fact, with Yue Hua's conditions, he could have found a better woman than me. He said he had no feelings for his ex-wife, but judging from his ex-wife's appearance, he didn't want to let go. If this continues, the two of them will inevitably come back together one day.

I admit that I have a good impression of Yue Hua, but I can’t say how deep I have; I still have some old feelings for my ex-husband, but I am afraid of repeating the horrible life I had before. How should I choose between these two men?

Marriage and Love Navigation:

Caicai's calmness and perseverance at this time is really valuable. Remarriage is a reshuffle in life. The ancients said: "Prepare for the future." For divorced women, whether they are remarriage or remarriage, it is necessary to think more and make more ideological preparations.

Yue Huaren is mentally versatile, stable in work, and values ​​friendship. In terms of these, he is indeed a good candidate, but the fatal problem is: his sense of boundaries with his ex-wife or with his previous family is too poor. He did his best to do his best in the trivial matters of his ex-wife regardless of time or occasion, which would inevitably affect his current life and the people living around him.

Since it has been separated, many things need to be clear about rights and responsibilities, bear reasonable child support, take children out to play regularly, and lend a helping hand when encountering major events, but if he wants to do everything in detail, it is normal for Caicai to go back and forth five or six times a month.

Look at the ex-husband again. There is an old Chinese saying: It is easy to change the country and nature is difficult to change. Some personality shortcomings or hobbies will be deeply rooted into a person's skin and blood. The divorce was due to his repeated gambling and his loss of money and his debts, which led to Cai Cai's heart-wrenching and despair, and eventually parting ways with him. Before the divorce, Cai Cai gave her ex-husband more than one chance to reform, but it was useless. Now that she is back, she is seeking peace, who can ensure that he will not repeat the same mistakes after remarriage?

So, for Caicai, don’t choose to remarry too blindly, and don’t remarry for the sake of remarrying. Please calm down and communicate more with your heart. Instead of rushing to start a marriage that you don’t recognize, it’s better to wait a little longer, wait until you think it through thoroughly, take on what you can, and be willing to bear the consequences for it.

editing/Xinyue