In love, we often hear a word-running-in period.
Men and women at this stage usually quarrel over trivial matters.
The specific performance is as follows:
When the feelings are very stable, there are a few strong feelings.
However, in the end, I convinced myself to try again.
Everyone will find a problem: the longer the time, the harder the breakup.
On the one hand, I worry about missing love, and on the other hand, I don’t want to be wasted in a painful relationship.
When is the real break-in period and when should we break up?
1. What is the running-in period?
Psychologically,The development of intimacy mainly goes through five stages:
Romantic period-power struggle period-stable period-commitment period-affection period.
And what we often call the "run-in period" is the period of power struggle.
When the aura of romance fades, we seem to be missing the original beautifying filters for our partners.
We began to ignore each other's strengths, and even began to pay attention to each other's shortcomings.
During the break-in period, when we find that our partner has not met our expectations, we often feel very disappointed.
At the same time, most people will also think about a question: should we break up or continue to break up?
We can judge your relationship from the following two dimensions.
1. What is your bottom line?
Before answering this question,You can divide the intolerable into three categories. (By severity)
1. Red line behavior
2. Orange line behavior
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3.
Red line behavior may include: domestic violence.
Orange line behavior may include: deception, strong desire for control.
Yellow line behavior: cold violence, verbal violence, differences in life, differences in personality.
After dividing the severity of the matter, you can make sure that your bottom line is acceptable.
Simply put, only then can you clearly see if there is room for further efforts in this relationship.
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Would you like to work together?
2. How long are you willing to spend and experience for this relationship?
3. What is the attitude of the other party? Is there any room for refusing to communicate?
These questions are all answered,You should also understand the answer to this relationship.
If you are still willing to work hard for it, then it is really a break-in period.
2. How to face the running-in period?
In the face of running-in disputes, what will most people do? Of course it is to reform him.
Yes, when a relationship is in crisis, most people want to change the other person.
For example:
p0 What did you do so late?"
The boy was very angry and sad. You might have a big fight with your girlfriend.
You try to clarify yourself and change your girlfriend's mind through verbal violence.
However,All this is in vain.
Girlfriends do not appreciate the hard work of boys, and they will become more and more fierce.
First of all, from the boy's point of view, you have discovered the problem of your partner.
You want to use "language" or some "means" to make your girlfriend change his mind.
Later you find that your method has not only failed, but deepened the rift in the relationship.
You may think that you should not use "arguing" to solve the problem, you start to look for other means.
Anyway, you try one thing over and over again: make your girlfriend change.
However, the truth is cruel, and the way you solve the problem is the problem itself.
As long as ta changes,Our relationship is just fine, this is the biggest mistake in cognition.
Emotion is not a person's command.
But many times, we mistakenly think that "giving orders" is managing feelings.
So what should we do during the running-in period?
There is a method in psychology called relationship check.
Timely evaluation and review of relationships will help make better decisions for each other.
Of course, it can also help you pass the running-in period smoothly and avoid unnecessary separation.
This is a table designed by psychology professor Jeanne Steinberg to check and evaluate intimacy. (61 questions)
Think about your relationship closeness in the past year/period,Score each statement on a scale of 1-5.
1: Disagree completely.
2: Some people disagree.
3: Neither agree nor disagree.
4: Some people agree.
5: Totally agree.
Not applicable: If you think this article does not apply to you, you can mark it as not applicable.
1 I can feel that I am respected by my partner.
2. When I am talking, I can feel the other person listening.
3. My partner knows how to respond to my emotions and makes me feel confirmed and understood.
4 I can feel that I am important to my partner.
5 Even if my partner does not approve of my behavior, I can still feel that he loves me and cares about me.
6. When I need ta, ta is there.
7. I trust my partner.
8. I did not hide any secrets from my partner, except for the surprise I was preparing.
9. I will describe this relationship as very healthy and happy.
10. When we quarrel, I still feel loved.
1. My partner will express different opinions in a fair manner, and will not conduct personal attacks, reverse accounts, issue ultimatums, etc.
12. Even if I disagree, I can express my emotions safely in front of my partner.
13. We have no long-term unresolved disputes that affect our daily interactions.
14. When my partner’s behavior hurts me, he can apologize.
15. When I apologize to my partner, he is good at accepting and tolerant.
16. My partner is selective in the argument and will focus on the things that are really worthy of argument.
17. My partner is willing to compromise.
18. My partner and I have similar values.
19. When our values are different, we can accept this with confidence.
20. My partner and I have similar political views. If there are differences, we can respect and allow each other to have different opinions.
21. My partner and I have similar religious views. If there are differences, we can respect and allow each other to have different opinions.
22. If my partner has the habit of drinking or using other addictive substances, these behaviors will not have a negative impact on our relationship.
23. We have a clear division of responsibilities and obligations in the relationship/family,We can stick to it.
24. My partner’s habit of using technology is reasonable and will not interfere with our relationship.
25. I can accept the truest side of my partner.
26. When I want to have private time alone, my partner will respect my needs.
27. My partner and I respect (or even like) each other's family.
28. I am satisfied with the quality of SEX in this relationship.
29. I am very satisfied with the SEX life frequency in this relationship.
30. I feel safe about my desires and can express my needs to my partner.
31. My partner gave me a satisfying sexual experience and knows what I like/dislike.
32. If we disagree on the frequency of sex,We can reach a compromise.
33. When I enjoy sex, I can tell my partner freely.
34. When I am sexually unhappy, I am free to tell my partner.
35. When I lack interest, I can easily tell the other party without feeling guilty.
36. I will not worry about the possibility of TA derailment.
37. My partner can support my career development.
38. My partner can support my family relationship.
39. My partner can support my friendship.
40. My partner and I have a clear vision for our common future.
41 I know my partner’s future expectations for family, career, residence, and lifestyle. These expectations can be compatible with my expectations.
42. As an individual, I have clear expectations for my future.
43. My partner and I can reach a consensus on how to spend money.
44. My partner and I can reach a consensus on how to save money.
45. My partner will consciously consider large expenditures and discuss with me.
46. In times of economic difficulties, we will discuss how to make financial arrangements without harming the relationship.
47. If the economic power gap between you is huge, it will not make your power in the relationship obviously unequal.
48. It is always fun to be with your partner.
49. We have common interests and can explore together.
50. We can support and encourage independent hobbies.
51. We will have a double date from time to time and we are very happy.
52. We can find happy details in daily life.
53. My partner is also my best friend.
54. My partner will do small things from time to time to let me know that he is thinking of me.
55 We laugh together every day.
56. We can reach consensus on parenting methods.
57. I can feel that the other party is fully involved in the responsibility of parenting.
58. My opinions can be fully heard and considered in the decision-making of childcare.
59. We can form a united front in front of the children. (That is, even if we disagree, we will only make a sound in front of the children)
60. My partner and I came up with a practical method,Divide the labor force from the perspective of childcare responsibilities.
61. In addition to children, my partner and I can have other topics to talk about.
more than 61 questions
includes eight dimensions:
communicate, debate, values, sexual , Life goals, economy, fun, parenting.
When you find problems in your relationship by scoring, you should do one thing: judges fairly.
In the face of problems, the fairest way to judge is: How does our relationship work? Rather than judging the partner's problem with a superior status.
For example: Facing these problems, how is he doing?
Finally, if you find an intimacy review, it will make your relationship worse and cause more quarrels. ....
Then it is very likely that your method is wrong,Or the problem between you is serious.
If it is time to break up, I hope everyone will not regret it and respect the ending of the story.
You can calmly tell each other that you intend to say goodbye to this relationship, not too long or too short.
Never add unnecessary scenes, such as crying or quarreling, in the whole process.
At least, I hope that even in the face of a breakup, you have to be sincere enough.
This is not only a respect for feelings, but also a good foundation for your new life.
If you look back well, you will feel understood and get closer to each other.
Hope we can encourage each other.
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