This guide is suitable for ordinary avoidant attachment and helps you quickly and effectively grasp the other person. However, if you have personality psychological disorders such as avoidance personality disorder, severe depression tendency, and schizoid personality disorder, please seek the help of a professional counselor!
Principle 1
Not to expose ta’s weakness in person
Avoidance attachment is very insecure, lacks self-confidence, often falls into self-doubt, and has no trust in intimacy. These tas are very clear, but a mechanism has been formed inside the ta, so tas are very comfortable and have no intention of changing.
But he doesn’t like to be exposed in person these issues! If you send an article about avoidant attachment to him and analyze it well, he will definitely be angry and embarrassed! This is undoubtedly revealing his scars! What he needs is not your reminder and accusation, but respect! Even some avoidant attachments cannot be called "avoidant attachment" by others. It feels like once they are labeled, it is like some kind of mental illness.
ta's self-esteem makes him not allow himself to be ridiculed by others. So you must accept him, verbally and in your heart, do not expose his shortcomings in person, do not talk about his weaknesses and shortcomings, but should encourage and support more so that he can feel your warm love.
Principle 2
Empathy ta feelings
avoidant attachments have alexithysia, that is, the inner turbulent waves, but they do not say it out loud. His heart is also a human heart. It is made of flesh. You can feel your happiness and sadness and distinguish your joy, anger, sorrow and happiness. But he just can't express it. For him, because of the arithmetic disorder, he can only choose to escape or make up for it in other ways, such as behavior, expressions, etc.
The biggest misunderstanding is that avoidant attachment is a machine without feeling, unable to feel your love, and unable to understand your distress. In fact, he is very delicate in his heart and remembers it all in his heart.
So, if you want to get close to him, you must experience and explore his feelings more and empathize with his feelings. You may be worried that empathy is wrong, but it doesn't matter, he can see your efforts.
Principle 3
Don’t force
in the name of love
avoidance attachment and anxiety attachment are one of the reasons why anxiety type is good at getting along with avoidant type under the banner of love, and often acts regardless of the other person’s feelings, such as forcing the other person to express, forcing the other person to accept gifts, forcing the other person to socialize, etc. In the name of love, the anxiety type thinks this way: I’m all for your own good!
However, avoidance has a different scene in his mind: you never care about my feelings and force me to stuff things I don’t like, and you haven’t tried to understand me. Once you show different opinions, you will easily get angry. What I feel is not love, but burden, a feeling of being bound, it is not comfortable at all, I want to break free!
avoid attachment grew up in an environment without love, and there are traces of oppression in the heart. His needs are almost ignored. Therefore, after growing up, he will very much resist the feeling of being oppressed. His shadow of resisting the past will return to his face.
is afraid of being controlled and abandoned. The correct way should be to guide him slowly and tell him how to be better for intimate relationships. Every little progress is made, give him a compliment and make him willing to participate in the interaction with you.
In fact, avoidant attachment is an abnormal manifestation of a person's intimate relationship, and intimate relationship is only part of a person's normal social function. Therefore, when there is a problem with the intimate relationship, we should check whether there is any deviation in his personality and cognition. If there is abnormality in personality (such as excessive anxiety, narcissistic personality, etc.), we should first correct our personality and start from personality and cognitive aspects. Once the personality problem is solved, the problem of avoidance attachment will naturally be solved.
