Today we will analyze a more in-depth topic, that is, what is internal friction in feelings? After we understand it, how should we get rid of it? First of all, congratulations to everyone. If you are listening to the gifted teacher's class every day, it means that you have a growth mindset. You have been improving your current relationship and life state bit by bit. This is a very good thing. matter. So what exactly is internal friction in a relationship?
If speaking in academic language, it means that when people manage themselves, they will consume some psychological resources. Then if these resources are insufficient, we will enter a state of internal consumption. To give a simple example, for example, a kettle, if there is no water inside, the bottom of the kettle will be burned. In other words, when you have not eaten for a few days and there is no food in your stomach, it is your stomach that burns.
So what are the manifestations of internal friction and how to judge whether you have entered such a state? There are three main ones.
The first one is indecisive, in short, it is difficult to choose. For example, if you go out today, what color clothes you wear when you go out today, what brand of TV do you want to buy at home, etc., anyway, everything has to be entangled, the kind of entanglement.
The second is the loss of self-confidence, that is, in this relationship, less and less self-confidence. It seems that your husband said something very aggressive, and you don't even dare to pick it up, or you always feel that you are not good enough. There are even some people who are so serious that they feel that they are not worthy of their husbands, this kind of lack of confidence.
The third one is particularly sensitive, which makes it easy to think randomly. A very small thing will be thought of, and there will be many results. For example, if your husband does not reply to your message for a few minutes, you will think whether he is with others, does he not love me anymore, does he not value me anymore, is he in the end, does he have any? Back to me, wait, these are the characteristics.
So what are some small details? For example, do you feel it, but sometimes feel very tired,But it seems that I can't find the reason. The second is that sometimes, it is particularly prone to hesitate about gains and losses. The third is that it is sensitive and easy to think about. And the fourth one is always worrying too much, and then caring about other people's eyes.
If you have one of the above, you may have a bit of internal consumption. If it is all in, then you have to solve it quickly. How to solve it? There are two methods for everyone to try.
The first one is called self-extraction. What is extraction? Psychologist Adler , once told a book called Inferiority and Transcendence. In fact, I have talked a lot about how to overcome my inferiority complex and how to get away. I simply use the method in the book. What is it called? It's called the self-stripping method. Sometimes, we will combine our pain with one thing, so we feel pain. Only by taking them apart.
Let me give you an example. For example, a girl came to me two days ago and she said, "Teacher, I feel that my boyfriend doesn't love me anymore. Why?" He didn't send me flowers on Valentine's Day. He didn't send flowers to her on Valentine's Day, so he felt that he didn't love her anymore. Then I said, what do you want is your boyfriend, this flower for you? Or does he love you?
She said that of course it was an attitude of loving me.
Then let me say, have you felt that your boyfriend loves you this kind of thing happened recently.
Yes, when I was in my menstrual period two days ago, he carefully took care of me and accompanied me.
I said, in this case, does he not give you flowers to mean he doesn't love you? It seems not. He doesn't give you flowers and makes you feel that you don't love you, perhaps because you need more attention and a sense of security. In other words, if the two things of not giving you flowers and not loving you are related, if you don't take them apart, you won't feel pain.
There is a saying in Buddhist language that says this,People’s greatest support is not that others are themselves. What does it mean? Our happiness, anger, sorrow, and joy are actually derived from ourselves. The same thing happened. Whether I am happy or unhappy is up to us. Let's not attribute it to .
What impressed me most here? It's Tao Hong , the wife of Xu Zheng . In an interview, the host asked her this question. She said that your husband is getting better and better. When he used to be an actor, he was surrounded by a group of women. Now he has become a well-known director. There are more women, what do you think about this?
She said such a sentence, she said, it was very good, it shows that my vision is very good. Her point of view is that it is good and I have a good vision, which means that you are good and I am not bad. What should I do if it’s not like that? There are so many women around him, so the first move is self-extraction.
The second one is driving in a straight line. What does it mean? For example, if you navigate to a place now, the navigation must be the closest way and distance to you. I didn’t say, just walk around the Atlantic Ocean and then pass. In our daily life, we are faced with certain things. We often like to go around in circles.
Let me give you an example. For example, let's talk about giving gifts on holidays. Some women are very entangled. Should I give them this? If this is to be given to him, will it appear that I am relatively humble. I just quarreled with him two days ago. Didn't I give him a gift? Or what do I want to give away? All kinds of tangles.
Then on the other hand, I thought, we should give it to the couple. The gifted teacher also said to send it, so what should I do? All kinds of entanglements, I don’t know whether to send or not in the end, then this is in the relationship, we learn to drive in a straight line,Do it first and then adjust according to the result. For example, if you give a gift, you should send it first, and then make adjustments after you see the response.
For another example, you are sitting in a restaurant, and there is a boy next to you who likes you very much. He wants to find your contact information. He is entangled in all kinds of things. Is it sloppy? Will she treat me as a hooligan? How do you feel? You will feel that if you like me, you dare not come to talk to me, how can we both have a chance? So let's do it first, don't worry about all kinds of entanglements, and forget about all the various conditions and concerns. Do it first.
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