01
"Now, this child is like an abacus bead, dial "
In Mr. Fan's eyes, his son Liangliang is an obedient child.
When she was in the third grade of elementary school, Liangliang performed well at school; but when she was in the fourth grade, her academic performance began to decline; by the fifth grade, children of the same age generally knew that they had taken the initiative to learn, but Liangliang did not know how to work hard. Mr. Fan urged him to do his homework and read books.
"Now, this kid is like an abacus bead. He has no initiative to learn. If this continues, what can I do when I reach junior high school?" Mr. Fan was very anxious about this.
I made a simple evaluation for Liangliang, and asked him to copy the graphics as required. The graphics should be drawn on the designated space and try to be the same as the original. There are a total of 8 pages in the evaluation. After each page, Liangliang stops, puts down the pen, and sits uprightly waiting. He didn't turn to the next page until I gave the instruction to turn the page.
I said: "Liangliang, after drawing a page, you can turn over and continue drawing." But he still stubbornly waited for my instructions before he could take the next step.
A fifth grade child is so obedient, I am surprised, and at the same time I feel that the child has some problems. Based on experience, I speculate that Mr. Fan will plan and do for Liangliang in housework. asked carefully, and it was so.
02
"I have paid so much for the child, how did
end up or is my fault?"
Mr. Fan said, what time does Liangliang do every day and to what extent, including what books to read and how many pages to read, he plans for the children All right.
"I'm doing it for him so that he can avoid detours and improve efficiency." Mr. Fan said, "It's just that Liangliang is a bit too dependent on parents now. He doesn't know what to do after getting up in the morning and which clothes to wear. Idea."
I told Mr. Fan bluntly that these problems of Liangliang were caused by too much work, too much planning, and too much care by the parents. Mr. Fan felt aggrieved: "I have paid so much for him, how come it is my fault in the end?"
I explained that exploration is the child's nature. If the parents do not allow the child to make mistakes and try from the beginning, the child will fight a few times After fruitless, they will lose confidence and accept the arrangement of their parents. This kind of obedient
may satisfy parents at first, but in the long run, it will cause the child to be unable to do anything without the parent's instructions. Children lose the initiative to do things and wait for instructions in everything. Once such a mode of thinking and behavior is fixed, it will be more difficult to change it in the upper grades.
At this time, when the parents let go, the children will be confused, and the children who lack initiative and creativity in learning can hardly get good grades.
03
Sometimes it’s better for parents to stand on the sidelines than to do things for them
“What parents have to do is not to explore the world for their children, but to clean up the dangers on the road for their children. As for how to explore the world, that’s the child’s own business.” I said to Mr. Fan. , Children are smarter and more potential than we thought. We must believe in children.
More importantly, in independent exploration, the child cultivates interest, learns to think, understands independence, and tries to innovate. With time, many of his abilities and excellent qualities will be cultivated and exercised. Therefore, is sometimes better for parents to sit on the sidelines than to do everything for you. is also more intelligent.
"Oh, allow your child to make mistakes, give him time, and let him grow up slowly. If parents can't wait, it will be counterproductive." Mr. Fan understood.
How can controlled parents bid farewell to autocracy, and how can
improve the parent-child relationship?
Liangliang’s father is a typical controlling parent. This kind of parents’ love for their children is often harmful, or they exercise their right to harm in the name of love. So how should such parents bid farewell to autocracy, improve parent-child relationships, and cultivate healthy and happy children?
●Don't restrain the child's hands and feet, give the child space
Liangliang's father listened to my advice and decided to give Liangliang more free time. Before, Liangliang’s father drove his son to and from school every day. Now letThe child rides the bus by himself. At first, Liangliang was a little at a loss, and occasionally took the wrong car.
Liangliang's father tried to intervene several times, but he resisted it.
soon discovered that Liangliang has a strong learning ability. After a period of time, he has been very experienced in taking the bus, and his homework completion has been greatly improved. He also knows to help his mother with housework and is no longer timid, and he is generous in dealing with others. , Decent.
Liangliang’s father said with deep feeling: “Children listen to their parents in every detail, which will make the parents feel comfortable, but will not allow the children to grow up. And letting the children manage themselves may make mistakes and annoy the parents, but The children’s abilities have been significantly enhanced."
●Calm communication, using praise instead of insults
I once held a theme class meeting: When my parents educate me, what do I want to say to them? The following is the answer from the students-
"It would be better to have a friendly attitude. Parents teach us to be okay, but to be like big sisters, big brothers and friends."
"Don't blame it in one mouth, it is better to ask the situation first before speaking. "Z2z
" Even if I did something wrong, don’t yell. Because yelling not only makes you look stupid, but also makes me feel angry and rebellious. Real conversation requires sincerity."
from From the children’s mouth, we learn that nagging, yelling, and humiliating are the worst ways of education. Only a calm and sincere attitude will make the children feel respected and friendly, and they are willing to communicate with their parents.
● Respect each other with their children
Some parents will ask their children in a strong tone: "I do this, do you agree?" The children are unhappy, but they can only answer "agree". But as soon as the parent turns around, the child violates the parent's will.
At this time, parents are often furious and severely criticize their children. This is the fault of the parents. The agreement cannot be wishful thinking. Only when the two parties jointly formulate the rules will the children follow them willingly.
You can say: "I don't agree to do this, but I am willing to work with you to find a way until we reach an agreement that is acceptable to both parties." But if it is temporarily impossible to reach an agreement that both parties agree, allow the child to follow his previous Until an agreement that both parties can agree to is reached.
●Tell your child that you love him
Many children have conflicts with their parents because they don’t understand their parents’ intentions. When a child rebels, we might as well reflect on whether the message of love is passed on to the child.
When you educate your child, what the child feels is your depreciation and disdain for him, and he will naturally have a strong rebellion. This is what we should try our best to avoid. What we have to do is to trust the child and let the child know clearly that we are on the side of him.
Author: lily of the valley
Editor: Fu Xiaokang
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