I saw a documentary on the Internet, which made me unable to calm down for a long time.
The entire documentary actually describes a very simple scene, which is the behavior of a three- or four-year-old child after being scolded and yelled at by his parents.
What is unforgettable is that among the ten pairs of mothers and children, 8 children took the lead in turning on the "cooling mode" and raised their hands in the air to beg for a hug, but only 2 of the mothers gave their children positive feedback and actively hugged their children.
This reminds me of myself.
One year, Dabao was in the third grade and my second child was still in kindergarten. One day, I got off work late. When I came home, I found that Dabao had not finished his homework and that my second child did not go to bed on time. The unsatisfactory work and my husband's inaction made me suddenly have an emotional breakdown and I started yelling at my two children.
As a result, the two children were crying, wiping their tears with their little hands and asking for a hug.
When I saw this scene, I felt very guilty and regretful, so when I saw this documentary, I had a lot of thoughts and thoughts.
Why doesn’t the child who was just yelled at by his parents hold any grudge at all, but instead reaches out for a hug?
01. After being yelled at by parents, why is it always the children who reach out for a hug first?
From an adult's perspective, if you are criticized, taught, or even yelled at by others, you will definitely feel rebellious. But why do children do the opposite? Instead of blaming their parents, they are the first to compromise.
So, what is going on?
① Fear of losing parents
When children are criticized or yelled at by their parents, they actually do not have a variety of complex emotions like adults. On the contrary, their minds go blank at this time and they are in a state of fear.
There are two sources of this fear. The first is the fear of survival dependence, and the second is the fear of psychological needs.
You must know that once children receive out-of-control emotions from their parents, they will be afraid that their parents will not want them because of these two "fear factors". This is very obvious for children before the age of 6.
The reason is mainly because children’s survival and psychological needs come from their parents. Children can grow up healthily by relying on the sense of security and survival materials they receive from their parents.
So when children feel that this sense of security is declining or even disappearing, they will often use some behaviors, such as asking for a hug, to obtain forgiveness from their parents.
This is like the famous "Cupid Doll Effect" in psychology. Certain characteristics of children will help them maintain contact with others, thus inducing others to take care of them.
② Children love you more than you think
In the eyes of most parents, we think how much we have paid for our children, but when it comes to emotional relief alone, children can often give more to their parents.
So when we yell at our children, it’s not that the children don’t hold grudges, but that for them, their parents are their world.
Therefore, this kind of love will make children automatically ignore our "bad emotions" and thus bring us more care and love in a more proactive manner.
It is precisely because children love us so much that they face us with what adults consider a "compromising attitude".
Therefore, children’s behavior of asking for a hug does not mean that they really think they are wrong, but it is simply a way of expressing their desire to gain your love and give them care and love.
When we understand the reason behind it, will we subconsciously feel sorry for our baby?
02. When encountering a problem, how to deal with it correctly?
previously discussed the issue of yelling at children with some mothers in a parenting group. In fact, after everyone calmed down, they would feel guilty for their unbridled emotions.
But as some mothers say: at the moment of emotional breakdown, you can't control yourself at all.
So for parents, how should we deal with these problems correctly?
First of all, we must learn to control our emotions.
Some professionals have discovered after research that when people lose control of their emotions, their brains go blank.
This means that when we vent our negative emotions to our children, we ourselves do not know how much harm we have caused to our children.
Those few seconds when we cannot control our emotions may become a sharp blade that hurts our children, causing them to live in endless fear.
So as Ollison said: people should not become slaves to their emotions, but should learn to control their emotions.
In the process of getting along with my children, I feel that when our anger levels continue to rise, diverting attention is a very useful method to control emotions.
For example, we can think about the picture of a loving mother and a filial son. Another example is that we can turn around and do other things first, and then communicate with the child after staying calm.
Secondly, return the right to educate children to their children.
If a child makes a mistake, should he be criticized and educated? The answer is that it must, otherwise blindly doting will make the child more lawless and lack a sense of order.
So when a child makes a mistake, what is the best way to educate the child?
Writer Mark Twain There is a house rule at home, which may give us some ideas.
In Mark's family, if a child makes a mistake, he must be punished, and the method of punishment can be proposed by the child himself.
Of course, this family rule only applies to children who have a sense of order. If the child lacks a sense of order, then we can discuss "punishment methods" with the child.
In doing so, it not only prevents children from formulating some simple punishment methods for themselves, but also ensures the educational effect of punishment.
Finally, don’t leave educating your children to one person.
In many families, the important task of educating children seems to be the exclusive task of mothers.
But obviously, on the road of education, relying on the mother's strength alone is obviously not enough.
And if the father has been the hands-off shopkeeper for a long time, the mother will have more and more resentment in her heart. If things go on like this, this resentment of lack of love will be transferred to the child.
Therefore, the basis for educating children well is that parents love each other, have a good family environment, and both parents can see each other's efforts and actively help each other.
As long as this is done, on the one hand, children who grow up in a loving atmosphere will naturally be warm and happy. On the other hand, fathers and mothers will also give more because they feel happiness.
This is equivalent to a virtuous cycle, which always keeps the home in a healthy and running state.
Finally, I hope that every parent can control his or her emotions and hug each other happily with their children.
