Children's Paradise 's "Sand Play Area", a boy who looks like he is in grade one and two raised the sand and was so happy to see the sand scattered like rain.
But this way of playing is obviously not friendly to other children, especially there are many kindergarten children next to it. Therefore, the staff immediately stopped the inappropriate way of playing the little boy, but as long as the staff didn't look at it, the little boy immediately started to "spray sand" again...
What puzzled me was that the child's father was outside the fence next to him, but he never stopped the little boy's behavior. He just kept repeating: "Your mother is coming! Your mother is going to beat you up!"
Whenever the father says this, When the little boy stopped, looked around vigilantly, and after confirming that he had no mother, he happily raised the sand again...
made me have to remind this little boy several times not to raise the sand in public amusement parks, because it may hurt other children...
To put it bluntly, it is hard to imagine that this child can have self-driven in his study, because his behavior-driven pattern is fear. For him, following the rules is just to "not let your mother see it" or "not be beaten". As long as that "source of fear" is not there, he can do whatever he wants and care nothing. I'm afraid the same is true for
in learning: if you have a mother watching, you will study and do your homework, and your efficiency may be not low. However, once the mother fails to keep an eye on it or check it, the child will let himself go, and even deliberately violate the regulations.
When he grows up and reaches adolescence, his mother can no longer beat him, and the things that make his children fear are less and less. He may regard the rules as correct, and even argue with his parents and fight violently.
And children will develop this habit because of three wrong educational methods.
1. Emphasize happiness and ignore rules
I don’t know if it is because our generation was too strict when we were young. Many parents attach great importance to the "happiness" and "freedom" of their children's childhood, but ignore the "rules".
is like the father at the beginning of the article. He did not really stop the child's "sand-ripped" behavior, and he probably also had the idea of hoping that the child would play freely, but he ignored the cultivation of the child's "rule awareness".
Many people believe that "freedom" is an imported product from the West, but what is interesting is that no matter which Western or Eastern educational book you open, you will constantly emphasize the word "rules". Freedom has always been under "rules". Without rules, there is no freedom.
If everyone drives "freely" on the road and does not abide by the rules of "driving on the right", then it is probably difficult to move forward on the road. This is why "rules" are indispensable to human society.
Since this is the case, we need to help children understand the rules from an early age and establish a sense of rules.
is like the little boy at the beginning. He wants to change his tricks and raise the sand to play with it. There is no problem. But in public places, especially after the staff reminds you, you cannot raise sand in amusement parks. This is a rule that everyone needs to abide by.
and abide by public order is the moral requirement and responsibility of each of us.
What does this have to do with "independent learning"?
Ideally, if a child loves every subject and does not need rules or sense of responsibility, he will also study hard and forget to eat and sleep.
But in fact, most children have subjects they don’t like and homework they don’t like. When you don’t have a passion, are you not learning these subjects? Are you not doing homework?
What is the power of keeping children studying and working in a state?
is a sense of responsibility and a sense of rules!
Because in school standards, we need to abide by the rules of completing homework and clocking in every day, so even if we don’t like it, we must do it and work hard, just like we work hard to complete a very annoying job.
If a child has no sense of rules and does not feel that he needs to abide by the rules like other children, why should he complete those annoying homework and difficult learning tasks?
Summary: If you want to cultivate a child with the ability to "independent learning", then please do not pursue "happy childhood" one-sidedly, and don't forget to cultivate children's "rules awareness".
2. Discipline relies on violence and scare
As mentioned earlier, the father kept repeating a sentence during the whole child's play: "Your mother is coming! She is going to beat you!"
It seems that the child abides by the rules just to "not get beaten." It is precisely because of this that when the child confirms that "no one beats me", he starts to violate the rules unscrupulously - this may even represent some kind of resistance and rebellion.
Use violence and scare to discipline children. We often practice the children's abilities in two aspects:
1. Observe whether there are "red flags" around at any time?
A child with this ability cannot focus on one thing, because he must always be distracted from scanning the surroundings and be ready to resist violence at any time.
Parents who always complain about their children's "poor concentration" can check whether they are using violent methods to discipline their children?
2. It cultivates children's ability to cheat and lie.
To avoid "beating", children will try every means to avoid punishment. He won't think about how to do things well. He will only keep thinking about how to "take advantage" and practice the lying skills to perfection.
In order not to get beaten, the little child may hide under the table and steal candy, while the older child will steal his phone and hide in the quilt. Just like the little boy in this amusement park, when he heard that "mother is coming", he did not stop playing "sanding sand", but racked his brains to make his sand-raising behavior not be discovered by his mother.
summary: If you don’t want to play the “cat and mouse” game with your children during learning, then don’t rely on violence and scare to control your children. Try using rules instead of control and encouragement instead of beating and scolding.
3. Don’t tell the child what to do
Let us go back to the amusement park. The father seemed to carry out the mother to scare the child, but he never said the four words "Don’t spread sand". Of course, this father may just think that "smoking sand" is nothing wrong, but there is also a possibility that is because he forgot to tell his child "what to do it".
This is not uncommon in daily life.
A child just put his hand in his mouth, and grandma grabbed it and slapped it a few times, saying, "You eat your hand again!" When everything was over, the child was still confused and didn't understand why he was beaten.
There is a famous teacher who recalled his childhood and always wrote "bd" incorrectly, and every mistake was exchanged for the teacher's scolding and "hands-only". However, what puzzled her young was that the teacher never told her how to distinguish these two letters and how to write them, so she could only continue to make mistakes again and again...
We often only remember punishment, but forget to tell the child why.
is like a little boy in a playground. If his father can patiently tell his child: the sand may hurt other children, it is an uncivilized behavior. Maybe there is no need to "scare", and the child will naturally know that he has to abide by the rules.
Summary: Whether you are disciplined by your child’s daily habits or your study habits, while telling him that he is “wrong”, please don’t forget to tell him what is right.
I am Fengtang Mom, a high-quality original author of the multi-platform parenting field, and a multi-platform contracted author. Focus on brain training and educational psychology in boy raising, helping you not beat, scold, or get angry, and improve your child's sense of responsibility, self-control and academic performance.
