Hello everyone, I am Cuckoo Mom~
A mother told me that her child is particularly afraid of failure.
For example, if you play Goji with others, you must win the other party. If the other party wins more, he will throw the chess to the ground and yell and say he will never play again.
This competitive personality makes other children unwilling to play with him.
Even if the mother persuades her, winning or losing is normal, don’t worry too much. But the child just can't listen. Every time he plays a game, he either doesn't play or he has to win.
so "can't afford to lose", can this kid take on the problem in the future? Mom is very anxious.
I have heard a saying before: Children who can’t afford to lose can’t win.
Think about it carefully, it is true. Because I care too much about the results, I often forget the gains brought by the process. Without a cumulative process, how can we succeed in the end?
In fact, there are quite a few children around us who can’t afford to lose. They not only act like "must win", but also have the following characteristics.
1: Children who can’t afford to lose
When I read books related to the personality series, I discovered a personality - the trap of failure.
Children with failure trap personality will be very afraid of failure and will often feel that they are losers. Such children often cannot afford to lose when facing things.
If there are 3 major signs, it means that you are raising a child who can't afford to lose.
① Exaggerate negativeness and reduce positiveness
There is a type of child who cares about other people's opinions and is also very sensitive.
For example, if you hand in the homework, the teacher praised him for his good writing and his literary talent, but he just raised a small flaw and said that it would be better if the next time you hand in it earlier.
will ignore all the advantages, and his mind is full of shortcomings pointed out by the teacher. Then I was particularly pessimistic about whether the teacher was very angry and would he never like me again because of this problem?
is also the same with friends. If he makes a small mistake, he will be struggling for a long time. Will his friends have opinions about me and will they no longer want to play with me?
Children with failure character traps will over-grasp their shortcomings and will find it difficult to withstand such failure.
② Always feel that I am not as good as others
want my child to sign up for a performance.
doesn't work, others perform better than me.
wants the child to participate in the competition.
doesn't work, I can't compare to theirs.
Failure personality trap will also make the child feel that the people around him are always better than him and are inferior to others, so he habitually avoids and retreats.
③Don’t dare to try
Children who are afraid of failure like to stay in their comfort zone. Instead of enduring the consequences of failure, it is better not to try.
When encountering difficulties, what they are best at is to escape. Don't delay until the last moment, and never act.
2: It is difficult to be a
book "The Trap of Character" points out that people with failed traps and personality behavior patterns are ultimately evasion problems.
I don’t know if there is such a person around you.
Although they have high education or have extremely strong abilities, they are "insignificant" in some jobs without any technical content.
Like a senior I know, after graduating from graduate school, he worked as a print document for people in a small printing shop.
They are unwilling to challenge or hone their talents. In fact, their essence is to escape and be afraid of failure.
Because of escape, they also like to jump around in various fields. No matter which industry they mention, they know a little, but they have not formed their own professional abilities in any field.
In order to escape, they have no enterprising spirit at work and are treated negatively. is late, procrastinated, has a bad attitude, is unwilling to improve yourself, etc., which leads to a short time of work.
Children with failed personalities really find it difficult to achieve success when they grow up.
3: How to develop the character of failure trap?
Without children, I am born to think that I will be a loser.Most of his personality is related to the following reasons.
●Being too much deprecated
Why are you so stupid? What's the use of you if you can't do this? You are so stupid...
If parents often say such derogatory words, their children will gradually internalize them into their own characteristics. Over time, the child will really feel that he is stupid and failed and cannot do anything well.
● Always compared
Look at your brother, so excellent, why can't you learn something? The neighbors and children know everything, why can’t you do anything well?
If compared for a long time, the child will unconsciously compare his shortcomings with others' strengths. He can't see his own abilities and strengths, and he feels that he will never be able to compare with others. So what's the point of hard work?
●No bounds are set
Children always fail and find it difficult to succeed. Another possibility is that we have not set enough bounds for them.
For example, if a child cannot do something well, forget it, I will help you. If your child doesn’t want to do his homework, then that’s OK, let’s talk about it later.
We did not set rules for the child to let him know when to do what. If a child does not develop self-discipline, he will easily become lazy and cannot develop the ability to deal with problems, and thus fail frequently.
4: How to avoid children from "failure traps"
has an effect called "flea effect".
Researchers put fleas on the desktop, and it bounces very high. The researchers later placed the fleas in a glass jar with a lid and gradually lowered the height of the lid.
In order to avoid being hit, fleas also lowered their jumping height again and again. When the glass cover approaches the tabletop, the fleas stop jumping.
Finally, the researchers took the glass cover away. But the fleas are no longer as vibrant as before, and they just want to lie on the table without moving.
flea effect, also known as self-limiting.
If the child only pays attention to failure, or only feels pain when encountering failure, then he will set limits for himself like a flea and lower the jump height.
If we hope that our children can face failure correctly, they can both afford to lose and win. Then we must help children avoid forming a character with failure traps.
① Belittle, compare less
Our original intention of belittle, compare children is to hope that children can work hard because of shame.
But if you do this from time to time, the child will only live in comparison and defame himself to nothing. It is difficult for him to see his strengths, he will only pay attention to his weaknesses at all times, and it will be even more difficult to succeed.
Although our starting point is good, we still need to understand that such a method is really not conducive to the long-term development of children.
We need to affirm the child's strengths so that he feels that he is capable, so he will have more motivation and courage to meet the challenges.
② Turn negative language into affirmation
Since you mention affirmation of the child, you may say that the child is not doing well, should I affirm him?
The book "Parent-Child Communication Password" points out that when a child does bad behavior, we might as well guide him positively with positive language.
Sometimes when the brunette is not satisfied, he will yell. After hearing this, I would say angrily, "You are rude and I don't like it."
After hearing this, Bu Niu knew that she was wrong, she was still very rebellious and had anger in her emotions.
Later, I tried to turn the negative language into affirmation and told her that my mother likes you to tell me in a low voice. After hearing this, Buniu's attitude immediately eased and told me what was going on with her.
In our daily life, we might as well use affirmation instead of negative words.
For example, change "I hate you to talk back" to "I like you to tell me your thoughts calmly";
change "You are so old and can't pack your schoolbag" to "You have grown up, I believe you can pack your schoolbag";
change "Why are you so stupid" to "Think more, we will definitely be closer to success."
If you use affirmation more, the child will become positive and optimistic and full of power in these words.
③Enlighten the children
Many children cannot afford to lose and dare not face failure because they do not have enough energy in their hearts. His energy comes from every "win", and as long as he loses, his energy will be consumed.
When a child is full of heart and has enough energy to deal with failure, he can also view winning or losing with the right attitude.
So in daily life, we need to empower our children.
" Puppy Money ", a "success diary" is mentioned, which is to record the successful things you do every day, any small thing is OK, at least 5 items.
For example, say to your child with certainty, when the alarm clock rings, you don’t need me to urge you to get up; although you think it’s difficult to do your homework, you still insist on thinking and finish your homework without delay; without me reminding you, you take the initiative to pack your schoolbag...
As long as you observe carefully, you will definitely find 5 things that your child can do to do and tell him every day.
This will empower the child to focus on where he does well and succeed. When a child gets energy, he will no longer struggle with failure and will be in a positive and positive mood.
Do you have such a child who "can't afford to lose" around you?
[Pictures come from the Internet, instantly deleted]
Author profile: Cuckoo's mother, a mother who is good at observing, thinking and has a way. Focus on children's psychology , understand the easy raising of children, follow them if you like it~
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