We are used to limiting the topic of cheating to the relationship between husband and wife, but many times, the scope of this "storm" is actually not just about husband and wife.
The reason why everyone acknowledges that children should not mention their parents’ emotional problems is not that children can really turn a blind eye when facing these things about their parents, but it is just that the children are dependent on their parents’ growth and it is difficult to have the right to speak.
It’s not that the children don’t know, they are just helping you keep the secret
Almost every adult is telling those children who met or experienced parents’ cheating in their childhood: leave the adult’s affairs to the adults, and just do your own things well.
This sentence sounds like wisdom, it stands from the perspective of God and points you the direction. But it is actually very useless for children who are in the center of the vortex and are difficult to survive independently.
After children breaking through or learning about their parents’ scandal, many parents’ first reaction is not to comfort their children and reduce the impact on their souls. Instead, I will leave a sentence: Please avoid getting involved in your affairs!
What's more, they immediately threatened their children: If you tell your mother (dad), our family will be destroyed in your hands...
Therefore, some "smart children" are afraid of their parents being separated, so they choose to treat them coldly, such as invisible, inaudible, and inknowing.
Isn’t this cruelty to pretend to be deaf and dumb at such a clear-headed age?
What's more, in the perception of many children, keeping secrets for one parent means betrayal of the other.
So, as an adult, after making a mistake, don’t comfort yourself by saying “children don’t know anything”. The child may not understand the correct way to deal with something, but he must know how to perceive the impact of this matter on the family.
And you are just deceiving yourself and numbing yourself without feeling guilty.
We have collected many cases and found that those children who have encountered cheating on their parents were injured to a certain extent. And this kind of damage continues to be hidden in a person's growth trajectory and lingers.
Some people say, don’t be obsessed with things you cannot change. No matter what your parents do, you have the right to be happy.
Indeed, we have this right. But for some people, if this right cannot be realized, it may not be because they are obsessed with their parents' emotional problems, but because they cannot completely escape from the trauma caused by their parents' emotional problems.
What we despair is not that we cannot interfere with our parents' lives, but that the life we choose is unconsciously affecting our lives.
What many people don’t admit or can’t see through is that it’s not that the children think, but that the children have to. Adults have the right to choose, while children can only bear the consequences.
seems precocious, but in fact he is forced to stay in the pain of childhood
To be honest, in the early stages after learning that both or one of the parents cheated, some children have more shame than those of the parents. They understand that this is immoral, it is deprecated, it is unsightly...
. Children who grow up in this trembling environment always have a complex light in their eyes. They are sharp but also sensitive, they are powerful but vulnerable.
Even if they move out of their original environment, achieve financial independence, or have their own family, they will find it difficult to truly let go of their past experiences.
Netizen Ran Ran talked about her experience.
She was the first person to find out that her mother had cheated on her. She wanted to treat it as a secret and never tell it out, but whenever she saw her honest father, she felt uneasy and felt that she had become her mother's "accomplice".
At that time, she was in adolescence and often quarreled with her mother, and this incident became the most direct reason why Ranran had a strong resentment towards her mother.
Once, when my mother complained that she didn’t feel sorry for her efforts, Ran Ran sarcastically said: What you give to me is to find another father?
This was heard by his father. After knowing the truth, he immediately wanted to divorce his mother. Ranran also stood on his father's side without hesitation. The father and daughter forced their mother to sign the divorce agreement .
However, after the divorce, my father was drunk and gambling, idle, lost his job, and often advised Ranran not to study and go out to work and make money.
Later, she really couldn't live, so she had to seek help from her mother, and her mother, who was forced to leave home at that time, was not accepted by her cheating partner and had to work hard outside to make a living.
Now, in his thirties, Ranran chose to become a non-married person. When asked about the reason, she blamed herself: If it weren't for the unspoken words back then, her family wouldn't have been broken, her father wouldn't have been depressed, and her mother wouldn't have wandered and helpless.
She is worried that intimate relationships will become dependencies, fear that marriage will cause instability, and doubt that her partner will be unfaithful to her at any time... What's even more exaggerated is that she believes that she has the so-called "bad" genes in her bones, and she is afraid of giving birth to a bad child like her.
You can't believe that these thoughts come from a person in his thirties who looks mature and steady.
She is not unable to see the essence of things, but she is addicted to playing an escapist and deceiving herself from facing the root cause of the problem.
In fact, in her subconscious, she has been longing to go back or simply stay in a period when the family has not changed.
So, don’t look at how mature some people are on the surface, but in fact, they are just children trapped in the past.
Don’t trust your partner and are disappointed in marriage
Children who have betrayed their parents, when they face intimate relationships, often think: Even the relationship between parents is so suffocating, how much expectations can they have for their future life?
And in most cases, after the parents cheat, the family faces more than this. What follows is a series of difficult problems that are difficult to deal with at that age.
And the child can only be forced to get involved in these contradictions, that is, he has to bear the harm.
So, as a parent, don’t take the growth of your children as a bet on your desires. You have the right to pursue so-called happiness, and you also have the obligation to take responsibility.
Parents’ lives are indeed only once, but when you choose to do whatever you want, you should at least not sacrifice other people’s lives as the premise.
If you want to pursue freedom of love, then you can openly admit your desires, properly handle relationships, abide by the rules of coming first and coming, and try your best to make up for the innocent injured people in the process.
instead of saying sorry for someone, but continuing to hurt this person, and finally hypocritically proclaiming how difficult it is.
Just like a netizen who had a father cheating, said:
I don’t hate him cheating. If he really falls in love with another woman and wants to leave us, then I have nothing to say. What I hate is: his irresponsibility to his feelings and family, he is flirting with but does not divorce my mother, he hates his contempt for women, he hates him selfishness, he ignores his injuries to me, he hates him to be self-righteous, he hates me to have no normal family life, he hates him to drag down this family and drag down my mother!
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