More and more experts recommend that parents should try their best to let their children practice independence and autonomy in everything from life to study. However, the pressure of the times makes parents unable to let go and cannot help but do more and more for their children. The study found that it turns out that what parents can't let go of is their own inner demons. They also teach parents how to use subtractive parenting and be minimalist parents.
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Text: Huang Dunqing
American clinical psychologist and Brown University Assistant Professor Yael Schonbrun conducted a research experiment. She prepared a day trip to Washington, D.C., packed with fourteen activities, and asked participants to improve the itinerary. As a result, only a quarter of the people who participated in the experiment deleted an activity. It seems that everyone has a problem with the concept of "deletion".
She said that such an itinerary is like a child's life filled with various activities, often only scratching the surface, and making everyone extremely stressed and exhausted.
This is also like the plight of modern parents who always want to do more for their children, make more arrangements, and prepare for the future.
An article in " The Washington Post " pointed out that more and more experts are advocating to let go and use "minimalist parenting" to empower children so that they can practice independence, make their own choices, and have more time to freely imagine and express their opinions. They are less likely to follow suit with comments or compliments. Research also shows that over-involved and interfering parents often cause children to suffer from learning burnout, a sense of powerlessness, or problems with mood, anxiety and depression.
Parents don’t let go and want to avoid uncertainty
However, this is easier said than done. As a parent, I always know that I have to let go, but it’s hard to follow through.
This article found out in academic research that parents have trouble letting go of their inner demons, and was able to come up with solutions to help parents reduce their worries. These studies come from Sombunan, who is a mother of three children, and Leidy Klotz, a professor of engineering and architecture at the University of Virginia, who is a father of two children. They also use science to explain why parents always want to do more. Lots of nature.
Sombunan pointed out that most human nature wants to avoid uncertainty. Therefore, many parents are worried about what will happen if they let go of their children; therefore, they feel that it is better to do more and arrange more for them, hoping to get closer to the desired results. For example, at least make sure that the child's daily life, food, clothing, housing and transportation are well taken care of, or that the child's potential can be realized and he will have the opportunity to enter a prestigious school in the future.
And the culture of modern society has the tendency of "more is better". Sombunan put forward a long list of myths about modern parenting: we should be more involved in children's growth, be more committed to cultivating children's interests, arrange more activities, eat more diverse foods, talk to children more... It seems that everything Everything has to be done more.
Five kinds of "subtraction" power
Klotz pointed out in the book "The Power of Subtraction" (Subtract) that the "addition culture" makes parents who are overwhelmed by panic forget that there is such a thing as "subtraction" in life. When you are worried, anxious, or seeing what others have done, you will become anxious and afraid of falling behind, so you have to add the things you have done for your children one by one, becoming a victim of the addition culture.
compiled Klotz's research and Sombunan's new book "Work, Parent, Thrive" to be published at the end of this year. The following are suggestions for parents:
1. Recognize the facts
Parents must first recognize the facts and realize that they do too many things for their children and even unknowingly become a habit. Only then can they know how to change their behavior patterns.
2. Deliberately remind yourself that you can use "subtraction" and take a step back.
Their research found that when the staff reminded the subjects that they could choose to go further or take a step back in the experiment, the subjects were more likely to find that, There are many benefits to doing less and taking a step back, instead of being obsessed with doing more of everything.
3. Just saying no is not enough.
Subtraction, do less, not just say no to new suggestions and ideas. Because saying that we don’t just stop adding new things does not reduce the original burden. It is not subtraction at all.
4. How to decide which things to let go
Maybe parents are reluctant to let go of things that can be let go. At this time, you can rethink what values you value. From this perspective, it becomes clearer that some things are not necessary, especially those things that make life stressful and busy.
5. Downloading and letting go are not the point of no return.
Two scholars reminded that there can be additions and subtractions in life. It depends on how to apply it. There is no need to let go for the sake of letting go. Although you don’t need to do so much for your children, you can still add things that are worthwhile, important, and beneficial depending on the situation.
(Data source: Washington Post)
