text / Xia Shu
In the evening, I sat opposite my son as usual. He was doing homework and I was reading. Suddenly I looked up and found that his little face was wrinkled like a ball of paper. I thought he had made a typo or something. When he encountered a problem, he tentatively asked:
"Son, what's wrong? Did you spell something wrong again?" This was a "high-frequency" reason that aroused his bad mood.
"Do you need my help?" See He ignored me, and I continued to ask. At the same time, I scanned his homework with my eyes and found that he had not written any typos. He was writing a Chinese writing homework, and there was no difficulty in it.
He still ignored me, and his brows furrowed even more tightly. In addition to being angry, I also noticed that he felt a little aggrieved, as if he was going to cry in the next second. I felt even more puzzled, so I got up and walked to his side, hugging him. He said:
" Oops, my little baby doesn't look happy? Come on, mommy will give her a hug to recharge her batteries. " As I said that, I took him off the seat and sat on the bed with my arms around him. As a result, he suddenly cried sadly in my arms. While crying, he said aggrievedly:
"Today Xiaozhen begged me to give him the pencil that didn't need to be sharpened. I started to say no, because This is a gift from you and dad, but he begged me repeatedly... I finally had to give him the pen, but in my heart I didn't really want to give it to him..."
Listening to my son's intermittent description, I I roughly understood the ins and outs of the matter, and while stroking his back, I said:
"You saw that he wanted your pen so much, even though you were reluctant to part with it, you still gave it to him, but now you regret your decision at that time. , because you still don’t want to give him the pen from the bottom of your heart, right?”
My son nodded when he heard what I said, and then cried even more sadly.
" My eldest son is really a person who is willing to consider others, and he cherishes the gifts your parents gave you. "
"I only have one pen like that. If I give it to him, I won't have it anymore..." Son Whining, I just held him, touching his head, wiping his tears, listening to him talking, crying, and echoing. After a few minutes, he calmed down, and I asked him:
"This thing sounds regrettable and sad. If you encounter such a thing next time, how will you deal with it?"
"I will never give the things I like to others again."
" Are you so Caring about other people's feelings and not wanting to make others sad means that you are a kind person and know how to think from other people's perspective. Do you think your own feelings are also important? "
"Son stopped. He sobbed and replied softly.
"Yes, they are all important. So if other people's feelings conflict with yours, you should give priority to other people's feelings?"
"My own!" the son replied without hesitation.
"Yes, only by ensuring that we are happy ourselves can we pass on happiness to others. What belongs to you belongs to you, and you have the right to decide whether to give it or not. Giving is based on your willingness, and it is completely okay not to give. We can refuse calmly. When we refuse, we can express our reasons sincerely and appropriately. For example, what can you say about this?" I looked into my son's eyes and waited for his answer.
"Well... I just said: 'Xiao Zhen, I know you want my pen very much, but this pen was given to me by my parents. I don't want to give it to anyone.'"
"Then if he still I begged you to give it to him?" I asked, pretending to be Xiao Zhen, and started role-playing with him.
"No, I told you I can't give it to you!" My son regarded me as Xiaozhen and replied firmly.
"My eldest son has done a great job. I hope that next time you encounter something like this, you can follow your true intentions, know how to reject others, and be brave enough to say 'no'!" I said while giving my son a big sign. thumb.
"Then if a good friend of yours came to ask you for something that you don't want to give to anyone else, would you give it to him?" I continued to ask my son questions.
"I don't know..." The son fell into conflicts and entanglements.
"Well, this is indeed difficult to answer, but mom tells you, A good friend will not only think about himself, he will also think about you. He will understand you as much as you understand him and respect your decision. People who refuse to play with you for your own purposes are not really good friends. It doesn’t matter if you don’t associate with such people. You like that pen very much. Can your mother buy you another one? "
"Okay? , thank you, mom!" the son said happily immediately.
I thought this was the happy ending of this matter, but I didn’t expect that this was just a prelude, and the more “exciting” thing was yet to come -
“Mom, Qiantong was standing next to me at the time and saw me giving the pen to the little one. Zhen, she immediately told me that she also wanted my pen. "
" What did you say? "I said I only had this one, and I had already given it to Xiaozhen, so I couldn't give it to you." His expression became aggrieved again.
"Then what did she say?" I asked.
"She said: 'I don't care, if you don't bring me one tomorrow, I will tell the whole class not to play with you! '"
When my son said this, my head was buzzing. As soon as my son said Qiantong was the class monitor, she was 1 year older than my son. Her mother was the parent of the class and she was usually a very enthusiastic person. Whether in the eyes of the class teacher or other parents, including me, Qiantong had always been a good person. A child with excellent academic performance. As a first-grade primary school student, I was really surprised to hear her say this. Isn’t this verbal bullying? I calmed down and asked calmly:
" Then what did you feel when you heard her say that? "
"A little nervous, a little scared, and a little worried..." I felt My son's palms were a little sweaty when he held them, so I hugged him tighter.
’s son is naturally kind and sensitive, with a delicate mind. He has a strong sense of empathy, but this also makes him more inclined to consider other people’s feelings first and compromise when encountering problems. He is soft-hearted and will inevitably look bad in the eyes of children with strong personalities. Being considered a "soft persimmon", I wanted to take this opportunity to let him know: people's kindness must be a bit sharp.
"Then do you think she did the right thing?"
"No, I think she is threatening me." The son replied decisively.
"Well, I think so too. Look, son, because you reluctantly agreed to Xiaozhen's request, Qiantong also felt that there was an 'opportunity'. On the other hand, if you had refused at that time, If you marry Xiaozhen, Qiantong will see your determination, and she may not use her status as monitor to threaten you. This also shows the importance of rejection, right? "
" "Yes."
" Then what did you tell her after she threatened you? "
"I didn't think about how to tell her, and then school was over." The son said and lowered his head.
" you did a good job and didn't agree to her, because once you agreed, she would make her feel that this trick works, and then she will do it again next time. Now let's think about it together, if we encounter this next time What can be done about the situation, okay? "
"Okay." He immediately cheered up when he heard my affirmation and wanted to work with him.
"She is the monitor. What do you think the monitor does?"
"The monitor should help the teachers and classmates."
"Yes, the monitor helps the teachers manage the class and serves the classmates. She should lead by example. Set an example for everyone, instead of using her own power to satisfy her own interests. So she did it wrong from the beginning, and she probably didn't realize her mistake. The method we are thinking of now is not only to help. He also wanted to help her. Then if she threatens you with this next time, you can question her like this: ' As a monitor, you are supposed to help teachers manage the class and serve your classmates, but you use your position as monitor to threaten others. Do you think this is the right thing to do? '"
When my son heard my words of "anti-customer-oriented", his eyes lit up, as if he thought of something.
"At this time, she might say: 'I think it's right, I am the monitor, everyone has to listen to me. ah! 'At this time we can say: 'Really? Then you can do this. Then I will go to the head teacher, Mr. Zhao, to comment -'"
" Let's see if you did it right or what I said is right. ! "" my son said excitedly after taking my words. I was surprised by the change in my son's reaction speed and attitude. From the "pathetic guy" who was submissive and allowed to be slaughtered by others, he transformed into a majestic "general" with his head held high. ".
"Son, what you said is so good. We have reason to go around the world without fear, and we don't have to be afraid of those who use power to oppress others! Then let's put on a show. I'll be Qiantong and you'll be yourself. Let's see if you can handle this situation skillfully next time. "I put my arm around his shoulders and said.
After playing role-playing for a while, I asked him:
" Do you think you have many friends in the class? There are quite a lot of "
". "I feel more relieved when I hear my son say this, because the targets of bullying are often children who have no friends. If my son is popular at school, the monitor's behavior will only bring trouble to himself.
" Then Do you think if she really told her classmates, they would listen to her? "
" is not necessarily. "
" Why? "
" Because everyone has their own thinking and judgment. "
"Son, you said it very well. Although you are children, you actually understand many truths. If those people only listen to Qiantong's words and stop playing with you, it means that they have no thoughts of their own. If you do not follow what others say, then such a person is not worthy of being your friend. "
My son nodded after listening, and I continued:
"When you don't share, some people may say that you are really a stingy and selfish person. You don't have to take it to heart. You just Enjoying your own rights, protecting your own interests, and not harming the interests of others is not stingy or selfish. Those who use your sympathy to ask you to satisfy them blindly, or use their power to threaten you to achieve their own goals are selfish. To such people, you must boldly say 'no', otherwise they will Do it again and again. "
After listening to what I said, my son nodded firmly and went back to his homework with peace of mind.
At this point, my evening conversation with my son also came to an end.
No matter whether the other party is begging or threatening, there is a lot behind it. Our boundaries are tested or even violated. If we go against our own hearts and give in repeatedly, what will be replaced is that the other party will repeat their same tricks and push their limits. Therefore, we must tell our children that we must stick to our own bottom line at all times and give priority to attention. My own feelings and needs.
written at the end
I heard a saying: " Life is inevitably windy. If you can't change the direction of the wind, you have to find a way to adjust the sail. ”
As parents, we cannot always protect our children from wind and rain. In the process of raising them, we should not be the ones responsible for driving, but the ones who teach our children to sail. : Respect children, Understand the child, listen to the child, and guide him to regard the problems he encounters as learning opportunities. Lead the child to analyze and solve problems, and make "pre-plans" for all possible situations.
In this way, the child will not panic when facing a sudden storm, because his parents have done similar exercises with him, and through repeated "exercises" and "actual combats", the child will learn how to live his own life With experience, you can adjust your sails in time when faced with any difficulties, and ride the wind and waves all the way to the other side of happiness.
I am Xia Shu, who understands both children and parents. I have a 6-year-old sweet boy at home. If you like my articles, don’t forget to like and follow them. Your encouragement is my biggest motivation! On the road to parenting, let us be smart parents and accompany our children to grow up slowly!
interactive topic: What will you do when your child encounters threats from peers? Welcome to communicate and discuss with me in the message area.
"I don't know..." The son fell into conflicts and entanglements.
"Well, this is indeed difficult to answer, but mom tells you, A good friend will not only think about himself, he will also think about you. He will understand you as much as you understand him and respect your decision. People who refuse to play with you for your own purposes are not really good friends. It doesn’t matter if you don’t associate with such people. You like that pen very much. Can your mother buy you another one? "
"Okay? , thank you, mom!" the son said happily immediately.
I thought this was the happy ending of this matter, but I didn’t expect that this was just a prelude, and the more “exciting” thing was yet to come -
“Mom, Qiantong was standing next to me at the time and saw me giving the pen to the little one. Zhen, she immediately told me that she also wanted my pen. "
" What did you say? "I said I only had this one, and I had already given it to Xiaozhen, so I couldn't give it to you." His expression became aggrieved again.
"Then what did she say?" I asked.
"She said: 'I don't care, if you don't bring me one tomorrow, I will tell the whole class not to play with you! '"
When my son said this, my head was buzzing. As soon as my son said Qiantong was the class monitor, she was 1 year older than my son. Her mother was the parent of the class and she was usually a very enthusiastic person. Whether in the eyes of the class teacher or other parents, including me, Qiantong had always been a good person. A child with excellent academic performance. As a first-grade primary school student, I was really surprised to hear her say this. Isn’t this verbal bullying? I calmed down and asked calmly:
" Then what did you feel when you heard her say that? "
"A little nervous, a little scared, and a little worried..." I felt My son's palms were a little sweaty when he held them, so I hugged him tighter.
’s son is naturally kind and sensitive, with a delicate mind. He has a strong sense of empathy, but this also makes him more inclined to consider other people’s feelings first and compromise when encountering problems. He is soft-hearted and will inevitably look bad in the eyes of children with strong personalities. Being considered a "soft persimmon", I wanted to take this opportunity to let him know: people's kindness must be a bit sharp.
"Then do you think she did the right thing?"
"No, I think she is threatening me." The son replied decisively.
"Well, I think so too. Look, son, because you reluctantly agreed to Xiaozhen's request, Qiantong also felt that there was an 'opportunity'. On the other hand, if you had refused at that time, If you marry Xiaozhen, Qiantong will see your determination, and she may not use her status as monitor to threaten you. This also shows the importance of rejection, right? "
" "Yes."
" Then what did you tell her after she threatened you? "
"I didn't think about how to tell her, and then school was over." The son said and lowered his head.
" you did a good job and didn't agree to her, because once you agreed, she would make her feel that this trick works, and then she will do it again next time. Now let's think about it together, if we encounter this next time What can be done about the situation, okay? "
"Okay." He immediately cheered up when he heard my affirmation and wanted to work with him.
"She is the monitor. What do you think the monitor does?"
"The monitor should help the teachers and classmates."
"Yes, the monitor helps the teachers manage the class and serves the classmates. She should lead by example. Set an example for everyone, instead of using her own power to satisfy her own interests. So she did it wrong from the beginning, and she probably didn't realize her mistake. The method we are thinking of now is not only to help. He also wanted to help her. Then if she threatens you with this next time, you can question her like this: ' As a monitor, you are supposed to help teachers manage the class and serve your classmates, but you use your position as monitor to threaten others. Do you think this is the right thing to do? '"
When my son heard my words of "anti-customer-oriented", his eyes lit up, as if he thought of something.
"At this time, she might say: 'I think it's right, I am the monitor, everyone has to listen to me. ah! 'At this time we can say: 'Really? Then you can do this. Then I will go to the head teacher, Mr. Zhao, to comment -'"
" Let's see if you did it right or what I said is right. ! "" my son said excitedly after taking my words. I was surprised by the change in my son's reaction speed and attitude. From the "pathetic guy" who was submissive and allowed to be slaughtered by others, he transformed into a majestic "general" with his head held high. ".
"Son, what you said is so good. We have reason to go around the world without fear, and we don't have to be afraid of those who use power to oppress others! Then let's put on a show. I'll be Qiantong and you'll be yourself. Let's see if you can handle this situation skillfully next time. "I put my arm around his shoulders and said.
After playing role-playing for a while, I asked him:
" Do you think you have many friends in the class? There are quite a lot of "
". "I feel more relieved when I hear my son say this, because the targets of bullying are often children who have no friends. If my son is popular at school, the monitor's behavior will only bring trouble to himself.
" Then Do you think if she really told her classmates, they would listen to her? "
" is not necessarily. "
" Why? "
" Because everyone has their own thinking and judgment. "
"Son, you said it very well. Although you are children, you actually understand many truths. If those people only listen to Qiantong's words and stop playing with you, it means that they have no thoughts of their own. If you do not follow what others say, then such a person is not worthy of being your friend. "
My son nodded after listening, and I continued:
"When you don't share, some people may say that you are really a stingy and selfish person. You don't have to take it to heart. You just Enjoying your own rights, protecting your own interests, and not harming the interests of others is not stingy or selfish. Those who use your sympathy to ask you to satisfy them blindly, or use their power to threaten you to achieve their own goals are selfish. To such people, you must boldly say 'no', otherwise they will Do it again and again. "
After listening to what I said, my son nodded firmly and went back to his homework with peace of mind.
At this point, my evening conversation with my son also came to an end.
No matter whether the other party is begging or threatening, there is a lot behind it. Our boundaries are tested or even violated. If we go against our own hearts and give in repeatedly, what will be replaced is that the other party will repeat their same tricks and push their limits. Therefore, we must tell our children that we must stick to our own bottom line at all times and give priority to attention. My own feelings and needs.
written at the end
I heard a saying: " Life is inevitably windy. If you can't change the direction of the wind, you have to find a way to adjust the sail. ”
As parents, we cannot always protect our children from wind and rain. In the process of raising them, we should not be the ones responsible for driving, but the ones who teach our children to sail. : Respect children, Understand the child, listen to the child, and guide him to regard the problems he encounters as learning opportunities. Lead the child to analyze and solve problems, and make "pre-plans" for all possible situations.
In this way, the child will not panic when facing a sudden storm, because his parents have done similar exercises with him, and through repeated "exercises" and "actual combats", the child will learn how to live his own life With experience, you can adjust your sails in time when faced with any difficulties, and ride the wind and waves all the way to the other side of happiness.
I am Xia Shu, who understands both children and parents. I have a 6-year-old sweet boy at home. If you like my articles, don’t forget to like and follow them. Your encouragement is my biggest motivation! On the road to parenting, let us be smart parents and accompany our children to grow up slowly!
interactive topic: What will you do when your child encounters threats from peers? Welcome to communicate and discuss with me in the message area.
