The children's shortcomings are everywhere, and it is often the parents who have problems.
Every "sparkling" little moment of children needs to be seen by their parents.
Author | Miaomiao’s mother
I went to my eldest brother’s house for dinner last week, and my sister-in-law cooked a table full of dishes.
As soon as the dishes and chopsticks were set, my nephew came back.
After he greeted me, when he saw his father coming out of the kitchen, his expression immediately changed, he rolled his eyes and entered the room, slamming the door with a bang.
His father was so angry that he raised his foot and was about to kick the door, but his sister-in-law stopped him:
"You haven't had enough of beating me yet? Your son is not sensible, so you are not sensible either!"
I am like this I learned that my nephew, who had just graduated from elementary school, went to attend a class reunion a few days ago, but he didn't come back until very late despite his sister-in-law's urging.
When my brother saw that he was being playful and retorted, he immediately beat him up.
Now two days have passed, and the nephew still refuses to say a word to his father.
My brother complained to us while eating:
"He hasn't reached puberty yet, and he has already started to fight against adults.
has a stubborn and bad temper, is playful and unwilling to make progress, and cannot listen to criticism. I used to say that he can still Listen, the more I talk about it, the more excited he becomes, forcing me to take action.
Look at his appearance. Those who know it think he is my son, but those who don’t know think he is my father!"
I sighed:
"Why do you think your son has all his shortcomings?"
In my memory, my nephew looks like a tiger-headed man. Although he is easily impulsive, he is righteous and enthusiastic towards others.
In school, he is the most popular monitor; at home, he is the "big brother" who all the children are vying to play with.
I have always hoped that my daughter would be as cheerful, optimistic, energetic and energetic as my nephew.
My brother shook his head like an rattle :
"Stop talking about it, you are so pissed off, I can't control it at all!
I really want a girl, but a boy is too difficult to control!"
Wanting a boy to be masculine and upright, but also wanting him to be as obedient and easy to discipline as a girl, is probably a "wishful wish" that every parent has had.
But it’s not impossible to achieve. It’s just that you really need to use methods to discipline boys.
After all, boys are naturally much more difficult to control than girls.
Boys are difficult to manage. In fact, scientific research has long proven it.
British scholar Geof Harman once said in his quantitative research:
"The development level of the brain language area of a 5-year-old boy can only reach the level of a 3-and-a-half-year-old girl.
At the age of 11, the boy's oral language ability, reading and writing ability
Boys are particularly lagging behind in self-control and language development.
Why are boys more naughty and more difficult to control?
In addition to the parenting environment, it is also closely related to their brain development:
1. The corpus callosum in boys' brains is smaller
The corpus callosum is the fiber bundle in the human brain that connects the left and right brains.
It controls the exchange of information between the left and right brains and the language center and emotional center.
The volume of boys’ corpus callosum is significantly smaller than that of girls.
This also results in that the girl's two cerebral hemispheres can perform more cross-information processing and can complete multiple tasks at the same time and with the same quality.
And the boy can only do one thing at the same time.
Therefore, if parents make demands on boys when they are playing or doing things, the boy will be like "ear failure" or " intermittent amnesia ", either not remembering, or remembering confusedly.
Even if his parents were so angry that brain blood surged, the boy still looked innocent and ignorant.
2. Boys have strong testosterone
Dr. Dobson, a famous American boy education expert, once said:
"The three biological hormones of testosterone, serotonin and tonsils determine the temperament of men that are different from women." ”
Testosterone is actually a steroid hormone.
Its main function is to strengthen boys' muscles, increase boys' energy and force value, and enhance their adventurous spirit and stimulating preferences.
Therefore, rather than obeying the rules, boys are more interested in challenging the rules and playing cards against common sense, like an energetic little beast that cannot calm down at all.
At the same time, boys’ 5-hydroxytryptamine levels are also relatively high, about 1.5 times that of girls of the same age.
This makes it easier for boys to forget the "pain". While being heartless, the chance of making a mistake again is almost 100%.
3. The prefrontal cortex of boys' brains develops slowly
The prefrontal cortex of the brain regulates the body's decision-making and self-control abilities .
The development of the prefrontal cortex of boys' brains will be several years later than that of girls. Therefore, whether in childhood or adolescence, boys are more likely to be impulsive, angry and confront their parents.
Their ability to manage and control emotions will be worse than girls, and they are not good at handling social and emotional situations.
When encountering a dispute, they will either be aggressive and aggressive, or they will be silent and timid.
If parents ignore the boy's emotions and discipline them directly and forcefully, it will not only stimulate the boy's sense of rebellion, but also make his expressive ability, which is not delicate, even rougher.
If you want to manage a boy well, the biggest prerequisite is to understand his physiology, respect his characteristics, and adapt to his growth.
But are we really helpless when faced with difficult-to-manage boys?
Teacher Todd, an expert on child and adolescent psychological problems, once told a picture book story -
"Edward: The Scariest Boy in the World".
At the beginning of the story, Edward is a very ordinary boy, no different from others.
However, he sometimes kicks things, makes noises, bullies children, plays tricks on small animals, and does various unwelcome behaviors.
So, the people around him told him:
"Edward, you are the rudest, loudest, and sloppiest boy in the world!"
As a result, not long after hearing this comment, Edward became more and more rude, noisy, and sloppy. , and eventually became what people call the "most terrifying boy."
On this day, Edward was walking on the street and kicked a flower pot away.
The flower pot was smashed in front of a passing old man. The old man did not criticize him, but said to Edward with a smile:
"The flowers you planted are very cute."
Edward was stunned. This was the first time he was praised.
From then on, Edward fell in love with planting flowers, and through hard study and practice, he planted them very beautifully.
Gradually, everyone in the village came to invite Edward Help them plant flowers.
Before long, this boy who was once called "the scariest boy" began to take care of small animals, take care of his classmates, and love labor, and became the cutest boy in people's eyes.
The magic of great change occurred in Edward. , is actually the "Rosenthal effect", also known as the "self-fulfilling prophecy". In 1960, Rosenthal, a PhD student in psychology at Harvard University, conducted the study at a school in California. An experiment.
He asked the principal to say to the two teachers:
"You are the best teachers in this school. In order to reward you, this year the school specially selected a group of the smartest students to teach you.
Remember, these students have higher IQs than their peers. "
The principal also repeatedly warned them to teach them as usual and not to let the children and parents know that they were specially selected.
The two teachers were very happy. After one year, the student scores of these two classes were The best in the school has a much higher score than the students in other classes.
Seeing this, I believe many parents will think:
"Of course, if a good teacher and a good student are even more powerful, can the results be bad?" "
But the truth is shocking.
These so-called smartest students are actually no higher in IQ than other students.
Moreover, these two teachers are not the best teachers in the school. They are randomly selected among the teachers.
It means that everyone can succeed, it depends on whether the people around him can expect him like an outstanding person.
It is the school's expectations of teachers and teachers' expectations of students that make teachers and students happy. Students have developed a motivation to make progress and improve themselves.
So Rosenthal said:
"Every child may become an extraordinary genius, but the realization of this possibility depends on whether parents and teachers can." Expect and cherish these children like geniuses. "
Parents' expectations, trust and love can add fuel to the child's growth and change, and even become the key to the child's success.
A child who continues to receive positive expectations will never have an end to his growth.
Teacher Todd It is said that in Edward's story, there are hidden the "three keys" to change children:
1. Ignore the children's shortcomings and wrong behaviors, and explain them from a positive perspective. Instead of paying attention to his kicking the flower pot, focus on the beautiful flowers in the flower pot. This is the first key.
In life, what many "bear" children do actually hides surprises:
A child with a small temper shows that he knows how to treat himself;
A child with a small selfishness shows that he does not need to please others;
A child who has a small temper shows that he does not need to please others;
will cry. A child who shouts means that he has not suppressed his emotions;
A child who knows how to talk back means that he has not stopped thinking independently;
...
When you see the shining point in your child, the child will definitely be able to see it in your eyes. , a brilliant and shining self.
2. When the child's behavior has the results you expect, encourage him in time
When Edward tried to plant flowers, everyone began to praise and encourage Edward, and asked him for help. This is the second key.
Carnegie once said:
"The way to maximize a person's ability is to encourage and appreciate."
When Liu Genghong took Little Puff to participate in the crab shell turning competition, he would base it on the completion of Little Puff , constantly encouraging her:
"You just translated very well!"
"Isn't it too heavy?"
"It's almost done, baby, you are really great!"
...
It was dad who kept With encouragement, Xiaopuff can still persevere to the end even when falling behind significantly, and can maintain a positive and optimistic attitude in any subsequent difficulties.
Parents’ timely encouragement and praise may not carry much weight, but it is the lowest cost for children to become outstanding.
3. Accept your child's characteristics instead of letting him become the person you want him to be.
At the end of the story, although Edward meets the standard of a cute boy in people's minds, he can still be a little wild and dirty occasionally.
Edward is still the same Edward. He has not completely changed himself to cater to everyone's expectations.
Everyone accepted this kind of Edward, which was the "third key" that promoted his transformation.
I am reminded of Spinoza’s words:
“To what extent the mind understands the atmosphere, it has greater power to control the consequences without suffering for them.”
Every child comes with his own desire As an independent individual, parents’ expectations cannot replace a child’s growth.
There is a proverb that says: "You can lead a horse to the water, but you cannot force it to drink water. "
The same is true for educating children.
The most successful education for parents is not to force their children to "grow from a small grass into a big tree", but to accept their children's imperfections, respect their wishes, and try their best to help them become the best version of themselves.
Soviet educationist Suhomlinsky once put forward a famous slogan:
"Let every child raise his head and walk."
The degree of excellence of a child depends on the child's self-esteem level, and the child's self-esteem level comes from the child. experience of success.
Only by constantly encouraging children, affirming them, and allowing them to believe in their hearts that they are good and worthy of being liked, will children develop a sense of self-worth, their inner strength be ignited, and they will have the determination and motivation to fight.
Lu Qun, a child education expert, once said: “Good children are praised."
The more positive hints you give to your children, the more self-esteem, courage and confidence you can bring to your children.
Click "Like" . I hope we can all hold the key to education and unlock the hearts of our children.
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