When parents look at every episode and every setback in their children's growth from a larger perspective, and fully accept everything about their children, they turn the family environment into a safe castle.
- Sister Sa
Author: Chunyu Cugu
"What should I do? I never dreamed that my daughter would be so afraid of me!"
My friend Xiaohui couldn't wait to cry to me when she met me.
It turned out that her 6-year-old daughter accidentally cut her finger with a utility knife when she was doing handicrafts at home. The cut was deep and she bled a lot.
The child, who should have asked his parents for help, remained silent. He secretly found gauze and bandaged it in a low voice.
During dinner in the evening, Xiaohui saw that her daughter was acting strangely. Her left hand was always hidden under the table, and she was very puzzled.
After questioning, she learned the cause of the matter. Just when Xiaohui was about to get angry, she saw the child lowering his head, sobbing and mumbling: "I dare not tell you, I'm afraid..."
At that moment, Xiaohui felt a heartbreaking pain, and various daily behaviors of her daughter flashed before her eyes:
loved to cry, and often secretly wiped her tears alone, but did not dare to make a sound; never spoke loudly, he hesitated, and his eyes evaded, as if There is a big stone in my heart; I have a habit of evading things, unwilling to accept challenges, and have a pessimistic attitude...
I told Xiaohui: "The child is too insecure, you should change your education method!"
"Raising with safety" Kent Hoffman, author of "The Sense of Children" said:
"A sense of security is the most important life foundation that parents can establish for their children. Its importance is as important as nutrition, health and education."
A sense of security is like paving the way. The foundation of a child's inner world, only if the foundation is solid and solid, can more excellent qualities be cultivated.
If parents inadvertently destroy their children's inner sense of security, they must make timely changes and strive to provide the following four types of support for their children.
01
Acceptance and giving unconditional love to children
In the variety show " Teacher Please Answer ", the boy Chaochao is still fresh in his mind.
He has the "traits" that many children of the same age have: he is playful, does not like to study, talks back, and often gets into trouble...
Originally, these problems can be solved through positive discipline from parents, through guidance and supervision. be standardized.
However, Chaochao parents focus on their children's "shortcomings" and magnify them infinitely, thinking that he is a young man with bad deeds.
So much so that when Chaochao’s father discovered that his son was peeking at his cell phone but refused to admit it, he picked up a spatula and slapped his son hard on the face.
"This child doesn't have a long memory! Otherwise he won't be able to remember!"
Chaochao's father's words contained both uncontrollable anger and helplessness at his wits' end.
However, he ignored a very serious consequence, which was the destruction of his son's inner order.
An education expert at the scene, He Jie, hit the nail on the head:
"This child is so insecure that he dare not admit it. It is actually a psychological defense."
Because of fear, he did not dare to tell the truth to his parents; because of fear, Unable to reveal his true self, he wears a mask every day to disguise himself in front of his parents.
The people who suffer the most are actually children.
The way to resolve a child’s inner fear is to fully accept the child’s true appearance, see their “goodness” and “badness”, and allow them to exist.
There are never perfect children in the world, only children whose parents readily accept and love them unconditionally.
Children will make mistakes, and what they need is not punishment, but examples and guidance;
Maybe children are not outstanding enough because their talents and love have not yet been discovered.
When parents look at every episode and setback in their children's growth from a larger perspective, and fully accept everything about their children, they turn the family environment into a safe castle.
Here, children will rely on their inner vitality to grow up safely, bravely and freely.
02
Boundary force, distinguishing "you" and "me"
There is a classmate in my daughter's class who is quite "different".
She didn’t dare to go to the toilet alone, couldn’t pack her schoolbag, and didn’t dare to go up and down the stairs by herself.
When other students rushed to the playground to play during class, she could only stand tremblingly at the stairs, looking down helplessly, or moving with difficulty.
The reason is not that the child is in poor health, but that the parents' overprotection deprives the child of the development of his abilities and plunges her into a vortex of extreme low self-confidence.
Her mother has always acted as a personal nanny, feeding her daughter, helping her go to the toilet, dressing her, and packing her schoolbags, taking care of everything and every detail.
The price of this "love" is to cut off the child's development wings and raise a child who lacks security and ability.
Because parents always cross the boundaries and participate in things that should be handled by the child, she increasingly loses her " self-efficacy". Once she leaves her parents, she will be surrounded by a heavy sense of powerlessness, and the more she becomes Increasingly panicked.
Psychologist Li Xue once wrote in a book:
"In the relationship with their children, whether parents can maintain boundaries directly determines whether the children's future material and spiritual world will be rich."
Parents cross the boundaries, and children get lost; parents keep boundaries. , children can grow.
Although loving children is an instinct, the connotation of this "love" needs to be redefined by parents.
Parents must learn to take a step back and not write on their children's life blueprint instead.
draw clear boundaries between each other and use limited discipline to bring unlimited possibilities to children.
This is a required course in the life issue called "love and separation" that neither parents nor children can avoid.
03
Communication skills, stay away from "violent conversations"
I saw a "cut-mouthed" father online and couldn't help but feel heartbroken.
htmlThe 218-year-old daughter ran to the river and committed suicide because she was under too much pressure and could not study well.
But the father who came over after hearing the news scolded him incessantly:
"I asked you if you are going to die? If you don't die, go home! Follow me! I asked you if you are going to die?"
He didn't care whether his child was suffering. Bitterness is just using extremely vicious words to stab the child's heart one by one.
The girl sitting by the river desperately listened to the verbal humiliation from her close relatives without any struggle. Perhaps, this has become the normal dialogue between father and daughter.
This violent father reminds me of the many parents I have seen. They often yell at their children, scold them, scare them, and use invisible language to destroy their children's inner sense of security bit by bit.
In fact, all language that contains emotional bombs, questions, sarcasm, and criticism will usually bring continuous pain to the other party. The lethality of
language is no less than that of a stick.
I remember that I once had a classmate whose father was always strict and often warned him that if he didn't get into the top 3 in the class, he wouldn't be able to go home.
These words were like heavy shackles, tightly cuffing his life.
Later, one time, he passed the exam and ranked among the dozen in the class. The moment he saw the results, he couldn't stop trembling all over his body. Countless scenes swirled in his heart, all of which were being kicked out of the house by his father and becoming homeless.
During the long night, he huddled in a small corner at the door of his house for a long time. It was not until very late that his mother found him and took him home.
For him, the cold words and scoldings that came from time to time had already penetrated all his strength, sensitivity and cowardice, and his sense of security was in tatters.
and Parents who are willing to talk to their children well and maintain good communication skills have established close emotional links with their children, paving the way for them to feel good and safe in their hearts.
In the book " Nonviolent Communication ", Dr. Marshall Luxemburg proposed four steps for effective communication: observe, feel, need, and request.
When communicating with their children, parents only need to describe observed facts, express their feelings, put forward needs and requirements for their children, instead of evaluating their children or labeling them negatively.
By mastering this communication rule, parents will get rid of violent elements in their language, and their conversations with their children will be more peaceful and effective. Most importantly, love can be conveyed to their children's hearts, and they will be more energetic and secure.
04
Trust and always be your child’s backing
How does it feel to be deceived by your parents?
A netizen came forward to give his own opinion.
There was a math test when she was a child. Her score was very poor. Looking at the red crosses on the test paper, she felt so dazzling. After
returned home, she bit the bullet and asked her mother to teach her to change the topic, and begged her not to tell her father, who had a bad temper.
’s mother nodded in agreement and taught her how to change the questions one by one.
At that moment, she felt relieved. She quickly corrected all the wrong questions, and her mother also walked to another room to work on it.
After a while, her father came over with a livid face, stared at her with angry eyes, and ordered her to take out the paper. His ferocious face was something she will never forget.
However, what made her even more unforgettable was her mother’s playful expression, as if she was sitting absentmindedly, letting her daughter accept the storm of questioning.
Her mother lied to her. She had obviously promised herself that she would not tell her father!
After many years, this netizen still remembers his frustration, suffering and the collapse of trust that day, and it hurt like his heart being crushed.
From that time on, she no longer trusted anyone, gradually closed herself off, and kept everything in her heart. She would rather carry it alone than open her heart to her mother.
According to psychology, the relationship between children and their parents determines their relationship with the world.
When children feel anxious and dare not trust their parents, how can they believe in the world and embrace beauty?
As parents, keeping your promises to your children and being their solid backing and warm haven is an important part of repairing the parent-child relationship.
Some time ago, female astronaut Wang Yaping returned with great honor. The moment she got off the plane, she took out the carefully prepared "star" gift, which was the promise she had made to her daughter before leaving. Reach for the stars”.
The daughter held the star in her hand and looked at it carefully, which reflected her mother's concern and endless love.
Parents cherish their children, and parents will not make promises easily, but since they have promised, they must try their best to keep it. Only in this way can the parent-child relationship be stable, and parents can become their children's most trusted partners and lifelong allies.
05
Paul , author of the book "Security", said:
" When someone unconditionally pays attention to you, accepts you, and respects you, you will have a sense of security.”
Children’s sense of security comes from their parents’ unconditional love, attention, appropriate boundaries, and respect for personality.
Children who have a sense of security are lucky and even happier.
They can laugh freely and freely, Transform and grow, immersed in the warmth, love, honey and sweetness brought by parents.
In such an environment, the seeds of children's inner self-confidence will germinate, the flowers of growth will bloom, and a happy life will be fruitful.
always believes that parenting. That is to say, if parents continue to cultivate themselves, they will have the power to nourish their children's souls.
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