Some parents always complain that their children are lazy, procrastinating, and clumsy. They feel very at ease when enjoying the services of their parents and are not grateful at all. When encountering this kind of consultation, I will ask parents whether they are usually too diligent and whether their services to their children are too prompt and thorough.
Sure enough, such parents have one thing in common: are accustomed to working hard and diligently for their children day after day.
If you are meticulous, he will be lazy.
Some parents complain that their children can’t do anything, while doing everything for their children, doing everything for them in advance. The parents are so considerate, and the child only needs food to open his mouth and clothes to stretch out his hands. Why should he be so diligent?
If things go on like this, children are likely to really lose the ability to take care of themselves, and will become accustomed to having everything arranged by their parents: from daily meals and dressing, wearing red scarves, packing school bags, to time management, after-school review and Children are too lazy to think about future career choices. They have to "ask my mother" and "my mother has the final say" anyway. This is how "giant babies" and "mama's boys" are spoiled.
Therefore, if parents are too attentive to their children today and do not let their children try on their own, tomorrow do not complain that their children are lazy, have no independent opinions, and are highly dependent, because it is your too attentiveness that drives away the child's autonomy.
Some mothers who came to me for consultation complained that their children were in the upper grades of elementary school or junior high school, but they still didn’t know how to wash their socks and did nothing at home except homework. I asked why this happened, and these mothers finally remembered: "I have done all these tasks for my children since they were young!" Yes, parents have been doing everything for them for a long time, and their children have become accustomed to your thoughtfulness!
In fact, parents’ meticulous care for their children may appear to be love or tenderness, but in fact it is a kind of “hidden” strength: “You do your homework, and I will do the rest.” Under this kind of thoughtfulness, children gradually become He is becoming more and more incompetent. He cannot do anything except study and is too lazy to do anything.
Parents who are too attentive to their children, please give their children autonomy and let them do their own things. Let them be diligent and capable in the little things like washing socks and washing dishes every day!
If you are pervasive, he will have no creativity
It is often reported by the media that in Chinese and foreign student competitions, the creativity of Chinese students seems to be generally weaker. Why is this so? In addition to factors such as school education's overemphasis on "standard answers" and "prescribed actions", I think it also has something to do with parents' being too thoughtful.
Parents have preset all problems and guarded against all risks. The child can just sit back and enjoy his achievements. What else does he need to be creative? As a result, his creativity slowly shrank and deteriorated.
After understanding this, parents will know what to do, right? Let children go out and try, fight, explore, and try. It doesn’t matter if they fail or hit a wall. As long as children can face problems, find countermeasures, and solve problems, time after time, children’s creativity will be stimulated. , cultivated.
Children with creativity will have endless creativity and courage when facing the complicated life in the future.
Smart parents know how to curb their desire for control and let their children make their own decisions: from choosing clothes, toys, and books to arranging after-school time, choosing schools and majors. When a child is young, he dares to choose the color and style of his clothes without fear of his parents disapproving them. When he grows up, he will no longer rely on his parents to help him choose college and major.He will slowly discover what he likes, slowly find his own advantages and strengths, and strive to get closer to his ideals, and finally become and live himself.
Such children are nourished by self-creation throughout their lives and always follow their own path firmly. He will not become a running companion or a sparring partner, nor will he get lost in the meaningless competition of thousands of troops squeezing the single-plank bridge, nor will he follow the trend to catch up with popular majors or Internet celebrity industries. He always knows what he likes, what he is good at, and what he wants to do. Want something and work hard for it.
If you are invincible, he will be weak and incompetent
Some parents are afraid that their children will be wronged. Once their children encounter problems, they roll up their sleeves and rush to the front line without saying a word, showing an invincible attitude and asking for help. Children solve problems. If there are too many parents who are too capable, then there will be more weak and incompetent children.
No matter what a child encounters, his parents will "cover" him, so what else can he do if he is so capable? Children are accustomed to relying on the "protective umbrella" of their parents. Naturally, they will never grow up and never know what to do when problems arise.
It often happens that primary school students find that they forget to wear a red scarf or bring their textbooks when they arrive at school. When their children encounter something like this, many parents will immediately put down what they are doing and find ways to send it to their children.
As a result, the child who caused the problem was not affected at all and was still sitting calmly in the classroom waiting. Instead, parents who had nothing to do with the problem were running back and forth to give their children red scarves or textbooks.
Why do adults have to pay for the mistakes children make? It’s all because we parents are too capable, care too much about our children, are too afraid that our children will be criticized by teachers, are too afraid that our children will delay their homework, etc. And these should be dealt with by the children themselves.
From the first day of school for my two children, I have seriously told them that they need to prepare whatever supplies they need to bring to school the night before and put them in their schoolbags in an orderly manner. If they forget and the teacher criticizes them, they will suffer because their parents have to go to work and have their own things to do, so they will not give them anything. Therefore, forgetting to bring things to school rarely happens to them. Occasionally it happens, they either explain it to the teacher themselves and accept criticism; or they go to the next class to borrow it from their classmates and find a solution on their own.
Only when parents give their children the opportunity, can children feel what it is like to make mistakes, what it feels like to encounter problems, and what ideas and actions are needed to solve problems... Only when children truly experience and experience all this during their growth can they be cultivated. The ability to solve problems yourself.
In this process, parents must know how to let go, they must also be willing to let their children be wronged and criticized, and believe that they must have their own ways to solve the problem. In fact, without the help of parents, children will not be very bad most of the time. On the contrary, the more hands-off the parents are, the more their children will grow; the more "omnipotent" the parents are, the more incompetent the children will be.
If you are obedient, he will be confident.
Some parents are responsive to their children's requests. As everyone knows, if parents have boundaries for their children, it is love, but if they have no boundaries, it is harm.Once a child is doted on, how can he consider his parents' feelings, understand their parents' needs, and thank his parents for their kindness?
Those parents who complain that their children are not grateful may wish to ask themselves: Do you love yourself enough? In front of your children, are you so humble that you regard yourself as the universal server of your children, always available, responsive and obedient, and you have long forgotten yourself?
If parents want their children to be grateful, they must first live out themselves and let their children see: Parents are first of all independent individuals with their own world, rather than living solely for the purpose of serving their children.
Imagine if you come home very tired after a day at work and haven’t even bothered to eat dinner yet, but your child who is already full ignores your hard work and asks you to help him with his homework. What would you do? When many parents see that their children love learning so much, will they immediately drag their tired bodies, endure their hungry stomachs, and lecture their children with excitement?
In fact, parents don’t have to do this when they grow up. They might as well tell their children directly: "I just got off work. I have been tired for a day and haven’t had dinner yet. You can think about this question yourself first. When I feel energetic after eating, we will study it together. . "Can parents win their children's gratitude by immediately meeting their children's needs regardless of their own situation? Aren’t parents qualified parents if they refuse or delay meeting their children’s needs? Obviously, the answer is no.
Parents can inspire their children's gratitude only by letting their children understand their parents' feelings and experience their parents' difficulties through little things.
Therefore, parents might as well be "selfish" in front of their children and love themselves more.
When you decisively put your child's needs back and your own feelings forward, your child will be able to understand: It turns out that parents are just like us, they can also be hungry and tired. , will also be worried and have tempers, so I also have to respect their feelings, take care of their emotions, and consider their ideas... Children begin to become sensible after seeing their parents' real needs again and again. After being reasonably rejected by parents again and again, I began to see the difficulties of my parents.
After that, he will start to think about his parents, and change from only knowing about asking to trying to give... Gratitude will slowly grow.
END
Author: Ding Fawei
Editor: Zhuang Qingqing
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