[Family Education Micro-Classroom] Children like to speak ill of others behind their backs, how to correct this problem?

Issue 249 "Tutoring Micro Classroom"

Children like to speak bad things about others behind their backs. How can this be corrected?

The 8-year-old daughter is cheerful and lively, but has a bad problem. She likes to say bad things about others. She laughs at the short and fat teacher, the classmates do not care about hygiene, and the poor grades. She also likes to nickname others. She has been guided many times to pay attention to the advantages of others and not to talk about others behind her back, but she disagrees. How can this problem be corrected?

Expert answers:

Adali

Senior Psychological Counselor

Rather than tracing the “problem” to the source, it’s not as good as correcting the problem. There must be many reasons behind the simple "problem" itself. Parents can use the idea of ​​"stones from other mountains can be used for jade".

First of all, don't think about the content of the bad things your children say , because paying attention to the content will easily cause parental associations and bring great mood swings to yourself. Don't tell your children a lot of truth because of your own emotions, hoping to correct the child's problems.

Why do children say bad things about others? In the interpretation of psychology, "speaking of the bad of others" is essentially an aggression, and parents should see their children expressing aggression. The attack itself is brought about by some bad emotions and experiences, such as anger, grievance, and dissatisfaction.

In daily life, are parents too demanding, and are they too restrictive to many of their children's behaviors? Is "hygiene", "poor performance" and "short fat" related to parents' requirements for their children?

If some relevant factors can be found in this information,Then the child is venting his anger by attacking others, because speaking bad things about others and expressing dissatisfaction with their parents directly, the former is relatively safe for her.

Secondly, parents should reflect on their chat status at home and whether they are also evaluating others behind their backs. It is more necessary to observe what the friends or small groups around the child are like, and whether the children have to imitate because they want to integrate into the small group.

No matter which kind, there is a principle that parents must make clear that half of the motivation for children to do this is to test the reaction of adults: Will my parents allow me to express jealousy and dissatisfaction? Will you accept and tolerate my aggressiveness? No matter what I do, will they love me?

If parents can't find a reason for a while, they might as well accept the child's aggressiveness. Allow her to vent her emotions and try to give the child a sense of value (recognizing her), control (allowing autonomy), and belonging (expressing acceptance and love) at home or outside.

When these children's needs can be met, the "function" brought by "speaking bad about others" will be greatly reduced.

My daughter became selfish after going to kindergarten, What should I do?

Before going to kindergarten, my daughter was willing to share her toys and snacks. After going to kindergarten, she suddenly became very selfish. She didn’t want to share her toys and books with other children. She obviously could put things in school. She said that she was worried that others would play secretly, so she had to bring it back every time. . The teacher has repeatedly reported that she does not like to share. Why did it happen as soon as she went to kindergarten?

expert answer:

Adali

senior counselor

The order of children's psychological development is "reversed". Normally developed children are in the "exclusive" stage before entering the kindergarten, and they begin to learn to "share" after entering the kindergarten. But mothers don’t have to worry, because the child is trying to build up the missing parts in his own way.

Let me first talk about the importance of the child’s "ownership" phase of things. Toddlers begin to declare "autonomy" or "rights of goods" to "goods" related to themselves when they are about two years old.

Many parents think this is "selfish". In fact, the real purpose of this behavior is that the child is trying to establish a boundary and mutual affiliation between himself and others, and between himself and objects.

Parents must respect the wishes of their children and do not force their children to share . This will help children establish a healthy relationship with others and objects.

Back to this question, first of all, don't take the teacher too seriously. May wish to affirm the teacher's judgment, and then propose to the teacher the desire to guide the child more. Outside of kindergarten, what parents have to do is to accept this behavior of their children.

There is a strange psychological effect in psychology: if parents believe that their children are "not to share", parents will see more of these problems in their children's behavior, and the children will be "fixed" in such psychological feelings Among them, it is difficult to change.

If parents want to correct their children's behavior, the best way is to strengthen the positive behavior. Give prompt praise when children are not so "selfish", and when they don't want to share, they don't need to see them and don't need to remind them. Slowly, the child will show the behavior expected by the parents.

When the child satisfies the need for "ownership" of the item without being disturbed or judged, he will gain a sufficient sense of security in his heart and be full of trust in the surrounding environment. At that time, actively sharing with the outside world will become the child's inner reasonable, legitimate and happy needs.

Source: "Marriage and Family" magazine