I am sad and dreamy, looking for the secret garden that no one cares about in the blue world. In October, I grew old together with autumn, and my 28-year-old flower withered into a fallen leaf, silently clinging to the cold earth.

Lan Yu

I am bleeding with blue blood, and the aloofness in my bones is integrated with the color blue. I am sad and dreamy, looking for the secret garden that no one cares about in the blue world. ——Inscription

In October, I grow old together with autumn. The twenty-eight-year-old flower withered into a fallen leaf, silently clinging to the cold earth. Many people talk about me, just like many people trample the body of fallen leaves. Indifference, ridicule, and even dirty saliva were poured out mercilessly on my aging body. No, I can’t say that I am growing old. To be precise, I am dead.

I died in the dark night and was left in the wasteland in the suburbs. I was wearing my mother's tailored blue cloth pajamas before I died.

My death star and moon were seen, spread by the wind, and many versions were staged passionately. I knew that those red and passionate news had nothing to do with me, who was blue. How could I, who was indifferent by nature, become the talk of the streets overnight.

′ That night, it only took a moment from blooming to withering. It was just that moment that ended my entanglement with the world. I should be grateful to the man who attacked me in Youxingyouyue. He was really handsome, and his clean smile made me feel as if I had died in a flower bloom.

I don’t know him, but I can see the respect for beauty in his smile. He has a pair of white teeth and a pair of slender and delicate hands. When he used a very bright silver wire to draw across my neck, there was actually a sound of his fingertips plucking the strings, but he was too affectionate and too hard. The sound of breaking strings was left to the empty earth.

The moment I died, it was too late for my parents who wanted to give birth to and raise me, and my brothers and sisters who played and grew up with me. I just felt that there was still a trace of warmth with me, which was the body temperature of my mother left on her blue pajamas.

He carried me on the night road for more than 20 minutes. I could feel his panic and uneasiness in another world. His eyes gradually became bloodshot, and then filled with blue liquid. He cried, crying so much that I couldn't go to hell quietly. Flowers also fade when they bloom, let alone the woman who was judged by him personally.

are you reluctant to leave me? Or do you regret your recklessness? Or did you see me die too quietly and calmly?

It was a relatively bright midnight, but it was very quiet far away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Otherwise, I couldn't meet anyone for more than 20 minutes.

Where is he taking me?

I have always wanted to own that piece of blue water, which leads to a secret garden, and at the end of the garden is the wheat field where I watch. If so, I can smell the fragrance of the wheat fields, chew the poems of Haizi , and go to that place "facing the sea, with spring flowers blooming".

He stopped and put me down gently. A cold feeling climbed up my spine, and my soft body gradually became stiff. I am really afraid that I will turn into a hateful snake and step into the cold winter in a curled up posture. But it was clearly my shelter. Even though he put me down very gently, the dead grass and thorns on the ground couldn't wait to touch my pure white body.

Let me keep this whiteness, even if I die.

He straightened my clothes in a very gentlemanly manner, then turned around and stumbled away in three steps.

Based on his last meticulous movements, I decided to wash away his sins from my brain, and begged Xingyue to send him home to prevent Feng from publishing news about my death.

Feng couldn't wait to spread the news about me and added various tidbits to achieve a certain sensational effect. I am far away from the mortal world and cannot argue with the trend. I can only tell my story to everyone.

My name is Lan Yu, and I was still working as a Chinese teacher in a remote mountain village a year ago. I can honestly say that I love this profession. Facing the young smiling faces who are seeking knowledge, my heart flows happily like a clear spring. I love children, even though I always have to put on a serious face. I hope that under my guidance, the children can be lively, healthy, and outstanding, and become the pillars of the country in the future.

The change of fate came from an inspection by the county leaders. They stood still and listened to my lecture. I was immersed in Bai Juyi 's " Pipa Xing ". It seemed that I was a woman performing arts in Xunyangjiangtou, playing in the rustling autumn wind. Playing the tragic song of life wets the poet's clothes.Too much blue sadness welled up in my heart, making the corners of my eyes wet. There was silence in the classroom, but there were bursts of applause outside the classroom.

After the bell rang, I saw those high-fiving people. One by one, they shook my hand, passed on their compliments, and invited me to lunch.

At lunch, in full view of everyone, I was pulled into the VIP table by a leader who was older than me.

After drinking glasses of red wine, the women's faces are as delicate and beautiful as peach blossoms in full bloom.

A magnetic voice came: Lan Yu, I feel wronged by letting you stay here. I decided to give you an application form to apply for the national civil servant .

I waved my hands and shook my head in panic, and was afraid that I would not be able to find my way home in the strange and confusing city after leaving the small mountain village, and that I would not be able to find the mysterious garden in my heart.

Reality cannot be changed, but love is changing. The gentle and elegant stream has become violent. His hands that cherish flowers began to tear my black and elegant hair, and my fair body left scars of blue, red, purple and green. I remained as quiet as ever despite his angry voice, as quiet as a lake that the wind cannot blow into, with even the smallest ripples rare to be seen.

I love streams, and I have to atone for reality. I am guilty. I should have been a rural teacher quietly, but I chose a career that is incompatible with my heart?

Should I blame the county leader who changed my destiny, or should I blame my parents for giving me beauty and talent. If I were ordinary, I would spend my life like a speck of dust in an established circle.

There is no permanent silence, and the sadness in my bones will eventually explode one day. I finally screamed hysterically when Xixi's nails were deeply embedded in my skin, "That's enough, that's enough. If you can't live any longer, you can get divorced and find a woman who loves you and a woman who can bring you warmth and happiness."

The stream's hand stopped. The man's tears never flowed lightly. The stream not only released his tears, but also howled like a wounded child. While he was crying, he complained about the ruined beauty of the past. While he was crying, he was recounting the loneliness of the night and the suffering of waiting. While he was crying, he was talking about those gossips that had nothing to do with me.

Oh my God, even though I am a pure white lotus, the appearance of the flower will be damaged and the branches will be broken by these unwarranted mud.

Some things become darker and darker the more they are described, and some things become more unreasonable the more they are defended. I hope there will be a day when my innocence will be restored.

Xiuxian didn't give me time. He used the most obscene words to prevent me from going out again and again. I was tortured between public and private. I want to quit, withdraw from the circle of deputy secretary of the Youth League Committee, and retreat to the person I used to be. I want to be quiet, quiet, even if I am accompanied by a lake.

The night I died, I had another quarrel with the stream. I knew that the love that belonged to me had flown away and I had walked into the emotional desert. I have been depressed for too long and long for someone to listen to me.

I called Lan and asked her to wait for me at the "Blue Date Cafe". There was no time to change my clothes, so I ran out of my once happy home. The crackling of thunder behind me was the best farewell to me from the stream.

When I think about Lan, I am really jealous of her happiness. She is the kind of person who cannot be found without entering the vast sea of ​​people, but she is the kind of person who lives a down-to-earth life. Lan's lover is a car driver and often stays late at night searching for gold, but she always lights a watch lamp for him without any regrets, shining her love and hope into her lover's heart.

I know that only by loving each other, respecting each other, and trusting each other can we sing the song of happiness and harmony. I suddenly felt shameful and uneasy. How could I let my misfortune be forced on her on such a beautiful night. So I canceled my appointment with Lan and walked alone in the direction of the train station.

It’s been a long time since I enjoyed the night view so freely. The night is still so bright and charming. The silver moonlight draped over my body was a little cold, but it could relieve the pain in my heart. Those blinking stars remind me of the stream in the past. His eyes were once so affectionate, but from time to time, we are constantly changing in the carving of time, creating a different self from the past.

I am getting farther and farther away from home, and further and further away from the city. My steps are getting lighter and lighter, as if bypassing the landmines of troubles, the secret garden in my heart will get closer and closer.

The wind blew gently, blowing the fragrance of the earth into my nose and heart. I took a deep breath and took in enough fresh air from the countryside. I even want to open my arms and shout: I belong here, I do not belong to the city; I belong to the secret garden, I do not belong to the stream. The wind followed me and lifted up my nightgown, revealing my white and slender legs. I admired my free self and appreciated myself with no one yelling at me. In a quiet place, where no one is around, I discover my own beauty and my own poetry.

When he stood in front of me, he was so abrupt that I was startled, but he eased my fear with the charm of a mature man. He looked at me, pure and clean. When he gently waved the silver wire in front of me, drawing a beautiful arc, and I died in this beautiful arc, with no time to feel whether it was pain or joy.

I died in his arms, in his blue tears. Suddenly, I walked into a secret garden, and standing at the end of the secret garden was the person who killed me. Wearing a crisp blue suit, he was reciting Haizi's poems in the wheat field. He said that he had been looking for my secret garden for a long time, and I could go there with peace of mind.

Yes, I can go with peace of mind. Although this secret garden is so desolate now, next spring, when the rapeseed flowers are in full bloom and a small stream comes, I will no longer be lonely.

I am really not lonely. In the month after my death, I was like a stripped-down star playing a role I had never played before on a real stage. The emotional entanglements with many officials were directed by everyone incisively and vividly. The brain is still like snowflakes drifting over, a layer of cold white.

#Open my life diary#