Therefore, the influence of the native family on a person's destiny is immeasurable.
The famous British psychologist Winnicott proposed the concept of "holding" in object relations. He believed that good parents will provide a holding environment.
means recognizing children when they perform well and providing support when children are frustrated.
At the same time, Winnicott believed that a "good enough mother" is the foundation for a sound child's personality.
Because such a mother is neither a bad or lacking mother nor a perfect mother, just just right.
Wuhan psychoanalyst teacher Zeng Qifeng translated it as "60-point mother".
So in the early stages of life, if a child can be born into a family that holds ideals, there is no doubt that the child will be lucky.
Humanistic Psychologist Rogers believes that the self is the sum of all experiences.
here particularly emphasizes the word "experience". He believes that thought is the mirror image of experience.
Therefore, in the critical period of personality formation, if the child's experience is beautiful and warm, his thinking mode will naturally be positive and sunny.
On the contrary, the experience in the early stages of life is full of darkness and indifference. I believe that children will be full of hostility and suspicion towards the world and others.
There are three major schools of psychology, psychoanalysis , humanism and cognitive behavioral.
No matter which school you come from, the upbringing model and the growth environment provided by parents or important raising others are the core elements of personality shaping.
How do you become a person who is very strong in life and never shows weakness?
01. The "parents" who have been parents since childhood
Parents are not strong enough, have low self-esteem, have no independent opinions, and are anxious, fearful, crying or running away from things.
After living in this environment for a long time, the children felt a deep sense of powerlessness, so they secretly made up their minds to be the spiritual support of their parents for the rest of their lives.
As a result, in the years to come, the children took the initiative to take on all the affairs of the family.
The children who have not grown up in their parents' hearts also take advantage of the situation to let their children become their own spiritual parents.
As time goes by, this behavior pattern is solidified, and after adulthood, it continues to be used in one's new life, work and relationships.
's childhood experience told him that if he is not strong enough or shows weakness easily, he will easily be laughed at, bullied or even beaten.
actually exposes the child's serious lack of security in disguise.
Humanistic psychologist Maslow said that everyone has the need for love, belonging and respect, regardless of age or gender, everyone has it.
Therefore, in order to win respect and love, his childhood experience always reminds him that he must control his own life and cannot rely on others.
You can't ask for help at least. Asking for help means showing weakness, which means you are incompetent and have low self-esteem.
02. Poor growth environment and upbringing model
1. Some families are still in a state of survival. For physiological needs, their only energy is spent on survival, and there is no extra energy to take into account the needs of their children.
Therefore, if the child's emotions and needs are ignored for a long time, it is easy to form an attachment type of avoidant .
At this time, it gives the child the strongest perception: "I am not important enough, not liked by others, and have no value."
After adulthood, he behaves indifferently in interpersonal relationships and is not very gregarious. His image gives people a feeling of rigidity and hardness. For problems that he cannot deal with, he would rather give up than ask for help.
2. Although more families are living, their parents’ emotions are not stable enough, their cognition is limited, their vision is not broad enough, and they are still stubborn. Parents like
are mostly "automatically critical parents". When their children encounter problems, they do not first calm down their emotions, but choose the appropriate response mode based entirely on their own moods.
In a good mood, the children will catch up with the Chinese New Year and avoid disaster, and will not be bombarded by the stormy emotions of their parents.
If the child is in a bad mood, the child can only admit that he is unlucky.
In the early stages of life, we have neither the ability nor the resources, and coupled with our infinite loyalty to our parents, most children will choose to passively accept it without any resistance.
Children who grow up under this kind of upbringing model will often form an ambivalent and anxious attachment relationship, have doubts about themselves, and are not confident.
Parents' emotional ups and downs make it difficult for children to figure out whether they are doing well or poorly.
Therefore, when they grow up, in order to avoid bad feelings from coming back, they will often choose to be self-strong and always play the image of a strong woman or a successful man.
So much so that as time goes by, people around them forget that they also need to be loved, affirmed and recognized.
This kind of solidified psychology also makes myself lost in the illusion. Until one day, the grievances and hurts in my heart spurt out like a flood that bursts a bank. At this time, I may be aware or have no reaction.
After adulthood, especially in intimate relationships, people with this kind of mentality will spend their lives in unreasonable verification until the marriage is disintegrated in order to verify the authenticity of love.
For example: checking mobile phones, stalking, daily tense questioning, crying and cold war are all common methods used by people with anxious and ambivalent attachment styles to protect their intimate relationships.
Faced with the disintegration of their marriage, their self-fulfilling prophecy was once again strengthened, and their lives revolved around this wrong thinking pattern.
A happy childhood will heal a lifetime, and an unfortunate childhood will take a lifetime to heal. This is why.
Therefore, the prerequisite for changing your destiny is first to accept and reconcile yourself.
Then ask yourself what a good life you want will look like. Through imagination, let us focus beyond the problem itself, and then change our views and practices on the problem.
This will trigger changes in the problem itself and develop in the direction of positive expectations, and life will get back on track with the correct concept.
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