Colleague got married last month and married the girl in his mind.
However, he soon discovered that the girl had a very strange behavior.
That is, every time I take a shower, the girl will ask him to take a shower first. If he doesn't take a shower first, she will find various excuses to delay not taking a shower.
Should I take a bath be divided into order? The same person was confused and finally couldn't help asking the girl why.
The result is strange, the girl herself can't tell me why.
Finally, my colleagues learned about the reason for the matter after many aspects.
It turns out that the girl has a younger brother. When I was a child, whether it was sharing snacks, taking a bath or playing with toys, my mother would almost say to the girl: "My younger brother is a boy, I have to my younger brother first, and then it will be your turn."
At that time, the girl knew nothing about the world and naturally regarded her mother's words as the truth.
Even though she went to college later, she still didn't realize that the concept deeply rooted in her heart was actually problematic. Why does this happen in
?
In the book "Why should I listen to you: How to get along with strong people", the author mentioned a concept called "strong people".
It refers to those who can take advantage of people's psychological characteristics and control you without you realizing it, and ultimately achieve their goals.
For example, in the relationship between a girl and her mother, it is obvious that her mother plays the role of a strong person.
And under the concept of favoring boys over girls, the mother either consciously or unconsciously controls the girl, causing the girl to lose the ability to think independently in some aspects.
The author of this book is Isabel Nazaré-Aga, a psychological counselor with decades of practical experience.
In the book, the author first takes us to identify the strong people around us, and then further guard against and protect ourselves.
Especially in an environment where competition is becoming increasingly fierce and interpersonal relationships are complex, some strong people are more likely to appear around us.
If we cannot master the corresponding PUA knowledge of the strong, then it may not only be easily controlled by them, but may also be grateful to them in turn.
01. Wisdomly identify the strong, so that they have nowhere to escape
The strong (or PUA) in the real high-level position will often appear in front of you as a warm, considerate and kind person from the beginning, leaving you completely unprepared.
Then, most of them will coax you into the pot like boiling a frog in warm water, quietly adding wood, and then tell you that the water is used to save you.
As a result, you end up becoming their prey but are still grateful to them.
So what if it is recognized? The book summarizes 6 common strong people:
The first type: hypocritical
In life, we may sometimes hear such voices:
"Look, why can't you even do this little thing well?"
"Say that, I really love you very much. As for whether you believe it or not, you can do it yourself! I won't say much."
"You can't find a job at your level, so staying here is the best way to stay here! And if you look at a certain position, it can make you perform well..."
"Salary is not the most important thing. As long as you work harder and the company develops well, it will definitely allow you to achieve housing freedom and financial freedom."
...
When you hear these words, did you follow the other party's ideas, or did you feel alert?
Of course, if you refute him at this time, he may say that his kindness was taken for his donkey's liver and lungs, and he would kidnap you mercilessly with morality.
In this way, it is still yours again. And if you are not determined, or you do not realize the existence of the problem at the beginning, you may end up hurting your body and mind.
The second type: seduction type
seduction type, in addition to looking charming, there is another characteristic of being mysterious.
And during the contact process, it seems that he can always get what he wants from you, but you will never hear his answer or get what you want.
or even, it will make you confused.
The third type: "altruism" type
This "altruism" is not the altruism that people understand in daily life, it is purposeful.
For example, in the illustration in the book, two people are talking, and the strong ones said, "You told me now that you can't help me, but when you needed help, I didn't refuse, didn't you?"
The fourth type: "Student Master" type
Some strong ones also like to pretend to be academic masters.
A Guangdong netizen once shared that she said that her boss is a typical "school master".
Every time no matter what she discusses with her boss, the boss always looks like "Why are you so ignorant, I'm so surprised."
And the key is what the boss said, and she often doesn't seem to understand. If you ask again, your boss criticizes her for being so poor in her understanding, and there is no one in the office like her.
For this reason, this netizen felt very frustrated and once doubted himself, thinking that he was really bad.
It was not until later that there was a major problem with her boss’s work that she realized that the boss didn’t understand many things, but he wanted to pretend to be a top student, which confused everyone and ended up ruining her future.
As for how to distinguish whether you are a real top student from the beginning, the key point is cultivation.
A truly educated and knowledgeable person will not belittle others, nor do he have to pretend to be mysterious. He knows how to respect others and knows to treat others well.
The fifth type: "shy" type
The characteristic of "shy" type is that although they are shy, they like to play tricks behind their backs and sow discord, and fear that the world will not be in chaos all day long.
For example, in some palace fighting scenes, some people seem very honest and kind, shy and don’t like to talk, and are always pitiful.
However, this type of person is very good at using various resources that can be used behind their backs, which has caused a huge upside down.
After all, if you are a truly shy person, you hate right and wrong very much, rather than creating right and wrong.
The sixth type: autocratic
If the strong are also divided into levels, autocratic tide is probably at the lowest level.
Because of this type of people, you can see through it at a glance. For example, they speak directly, are arrogant and domineering, aggressive, and ignore other people's feelings at all, and are very self-centered. People like
are not easy to get along with. When everyone sees them, they have already tried their best to stay away from them. If there must be intersection, you will remain alert and deliberately keep a distance.
In fact, no matter which kind of strong person is, they actually have one common characteristic - they like to live with a mask.
Not only that, their masks can also be changed continuously according to actual conditions, making them look so trustworthy.
If you can stay awake and make a conscious judgment, most of them will make you judge one or two.
Of course, if you really can't judge, there are further ways to judge in the book.
02. The usual methods and judgment methods of strong people
There was a report online that attracted everyone's attention, saying that a girl from a well-known university was brutally PUA by her boyfriend and eventually couldn't bear the humiliation and chose to commit suicide.
The reason is that this boy has a serious virgin complex and has reached a very paranoid level. When he learned that his girlfriend was not the "perfect body" in his eyes, he decided to take revenge on her girlfriend.
He took advantage of his girlfriend's deep love for him and kept telling her: "You are no longer worth it, no one wants it, but I don't dislike it. I will continue to love you well."
But at the same time, he asked his girlfriend to double the compensation for him, and only in this way can he be nice to her. But the compensation he wanted was pathological.
For example, he asks his girlfriend to call himself the master, let his girlfriend dress up as a dog, etc. Under his destruction, my girlfriend had lost the ability to resist and could only do what he said.
plus he still has a photo of his girlfriend in his hands. Even if his girlfriend realizes it, she dares not refuse to obey.
Not only that, he even asked his girlfriend to get pregnant, then have an abortion, and then hand over the hospital certificate to him. This proves that she loves him.
In the end, the poor girl chose to commit suicide under his every possible destruction.
When the chat history between them was exposed to the Internet, everyone couldn't help but feel creepy.
So how do you judge that the other party is a strong person? The book mentions 3 points:
For example, you were originally very optimistic, but after getting along with some people, you gradually become humble, guilty, even irritable, anxious, etc.
In order to further help you make judgments to better understand whether you have encountered strong people, the author also listed the commonly used methods for strong people:
Method 1: Make others feel guilty
People who use this method often reverse cause and effect, abuse words, distort the concept of "self-sacrifice", etc.
For example, in the example, the girl who was PUA in her boyfriend kept using the view that "you are worthless, but I still love you", constantly making her feel guilty and eventually lost the ability to resist.
Method 2: Appear in the form of a victim
In the work "Malicious", Nonoguchi Shu not only killed his benefactor Higashiki, but he also wanted to make Higashiki Higashiki become infamous for thousands of years after his death and be infamous forever.
In order to achieve this goal, he constantly beautifies himself, making himself look like a complete good person, and a poor good person.
Even though he admitted that he killed someone, he still tried hard to make himself a pitiful character and kept vilifying Higaki Kurohiko, making everyone think Higaki Kurohiko was damned and he was eliminating harm to the people.
Method 3: Distort the facts and cannot communicate with
People who use this method like to talk around the bush, say something ambiguous, and often fail to say everything, so you can guess it yourself.
When you let him make it clear, he will often be displeased and even be furious.
Communicate with such people. Not only do you not feel the respect of the other party, but you even think that it is just a chicken and a duck. It doesn’t make sense at all and cannot play a benign communication role.
So if you meet such people, you should also be careful.
Method 4: Like to belittle others
The famous psychologist Freud once proposed the concept of "projection behavior".
It refers to people who like to project their emotions, attitudes, desires, motivations, etc. on others.
For example, the familiar story of "suspecting neighbors and stealing the axe" is a typical case.
The story tells that someone discovered that his axe was missing, and he suspected that it was stolen by his neighbor. Sure enough, after his observation, the neighbors looked more and more like thieves.
Until one day, he found that the axe was at home and he didn't lose it at all. At this time, he looked at his neighbor again and didn't look like a thief at all.
People with this type of characteristics often like to question your character, ability, personality, etc.
Then through words or some behaviors, you can admit that you are having problems and at the same time recognize their strengths.
Method 5: "The interests come first, responsibility goes aside"
This feature has several obvious characteristics: shirking responsibility, giving up, blurring one's own position, avoiding participation in decisions, using the media to convey information, etc. They often use methods such as
, but at the same time, they are extremely afraid of being discovered by the other party.
So if you can stay alert, you will naturally see the flaws.
Method 6: Provoking discord and creating discord
Use this method people seem to be saying good things about you every time, but they intentionally or unintentionally sow discord and creating conflicts. This is most common in the workplace.
If you encounter someone telling you that your colleagues or leaders are not right, it is best not to get involved, because you don’t know at all whether the other party is just complaining or having ulterior motives.
After understanding the characteristics and common methods of strong people, we might as well compare and see if we are a strong person, or if there are such people around us?
Of course, it is not to say that people with the above characteristics can be judged as strong.
In the book, the author lists 30 judgment criteria and clearly states that "to define a person as a strong person, he must have at least 14 of the 30 characteristics."
For example:
(1) Make others feel guilty based on the reasons of family affection, friendship, love, professional ethics, etc. (2) Transfer the responsibility to others or shirke your own responsibility. (3) Do not clearly express your requirements, needs, feelings and opinions. ...
After learning how to judge a strong person, what should I do if I really unfortunately meet a strong person in life, and even the other party is already PUA on you, and you do not have professional knowledge of resistance?
03. Life tips for resisting PUA
Strong people are themselves pathological. If you want to communicate with them normally, they will often only let themselves be brought in by the other party. Rather than this, the author mentions that we should change our perspective on things.
For example, give up the idea of communicating with them with benign , and after seeing the other party's various means, observe your own ideas and ideas, and verify them with reality, and remain objective and rational.
Secondly, you can reposition yourself.
No matter what you have experienced or what labels others have labeled you, you are an independent individual and you have independent thinking and judgment skills. What you need to do is not to live in the eyes of others, but to be your true self.
Again, you can still deal with the moves.
After all, you already know what characteristics they have and what methods they use, so naturally you will be clear in your heart. Naturally, their tricks will no longer be disguised, and it will be difficult to affect you.
Of course, you can also explicitly reject them, or show an indifferent attitude. For the strong, they don't like to waste time on those who are difficult to exert influence.
Finally, you can not tell the other party your life details, give the other party a clear answer, not agree to those unclear requests or help, etc.
As long as they cannot grasp the mental dynamics, it will be difficult to control you.
In addition, as a smart human, there is another trick that is also a wonderful use, which is "thirty-six strategies are the best".
can't afford to mess with, so when you can, you can dodge it. While staying rational and sober, you are neither a pathological strong person nor annoyed with those strong persons.
Because, your time is used to feel life and improve yourself.
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