Sex: the sensitive minefield of marriage
One of the important factors for a happy marriage is the harmony of sexual life. The harmonious development of sexual relationships can strengthen the approach response to sexual objects, that is, it can help enhance the cohesion of marriage. So it is also an important part of whether the life between husband and wife is happy or not.
However, in our society, not most families can achieve a harmonious sexual life. Information provided by a district court in Shanghai shows that among divorced couples, more than 30% are due to disharmony in sexual life. Researchers also found in a large survey that about half of couples had various sexual problems. In another survey on marital satisfaction, among the factors that affect marital happiness, women ranked "sex" third, while men ranked it fourth. All these illustrate that the harmonious issue of sexual life should attract the attention of couples, especially newlyweds.
Some people may ask: Is a harmonious sexual life also related to emotional intelligence? The answer is yes. emotional intelligence is a psychological concept that involves many aspects such as individual control, regulation and communication of emotions. Director of the Department of Stress and Functional Medicine at New York University Medical Center said: "Mental health is of great benefit to a happy sex life. This is an unquestionable issue."
The truth is that people's emotions are closely related to their physical health. When negative emotions such as anger, anxiety, tension, guilt, and sadness continue to occur, it will cause negative physiological effects and ultimately weaken the function of the immune system. Then it affects the harmony of sexual life between husband and wife. It is common knowledge that when people are in a bad emotional state, it is often difficult to reach climax during sexual life, or even achieve a normal erection.
At the same time, a happy and harmonious sex life also plays an important role in promoting mental health. The Institute of Human Sexuality in San Francisco has conducted a special survey on this since 1990. From the survey and analysis of 35,000 adults, it was found that people with a satisfactory sex life are less worried, have a better temper, treat others better, and rarely treat others casually. Mistakes and misfortunes are placed on others. A 30-year study conducted by clinical psychologists on 65 men and 40 women also showed that a happy and harmonious sex life can make people more confident? Perhaps many people have not noticed that the entire process of sexual life is a process of communication between husband and wife. The quality of communication is a special form of expression of the level of interpersonal communication skills between husband and wife.
therefore. Emotional intelligence and sex life are closely linked. influence each other. Whether you have high emotional intelligence, that is, whether you have a healthy psychology and optimistic mood, has a great relationship with whether you can achieve a harmonious sexual life.
□ Several adverse effects of traditional sexual consciousness
Traditional Chinese sexual consciousness mainly originates from two ideological systems. One is Confucian , which emphasizes the sexual morality of human relations, and the other is Taoist , which emphasizes sexual life to maintain health. of morality.
Of these two ideological systems, the one that has the greatest influence on our country is of course Confucianism. After the emergence of "spiritual asceticism" Neo-Confucianism in the Song Dynasty, couples seeking physical and mental happiness through sexual life were regarded as "obscene" and dirty. By the Qing Dynasty, almost any sexual activity had become "promiscuous", and sex itself seemed to be "promiscuous" and "dirty".
In fact, before the Tang and Song Dynasties, our ancestors did not regard "sex" as a dirty thing and did not use "sex" as a taboo. In a very early period of time, our ancestors have been popular in reproductive worship. In many places of the Stone Age and Shang Dynasty cultural sites, people have found many huge sculptures called "Shiqie". "And" means male genitals in ancient meaning. Taiwan's famous historian and political commentator Li Ao has done research on "and", proving that the ancestors spiritual tablets we worship today are also the hidden legacy of ancestors' fertility worship. Indeed, the word "qie" is so similar to the spirit tablet! The reproductive worship of primitive people included not only men, but also women. What is prevalent in matrilineal societies is female genital worship. Even after the patriarchal society replaced the matriarchal society , female reproductive worship has existed for a long time.
Chinese scholar Zhao Guohua believes that the female reproductive worship of the early people roughly went through three stages: in the first stage, they only valued the door where new life appeared, and worshiped imitations of the female vagina, such as pottery rings and stone rings; in the second stage, In the first stage, they chose fish as the symbol of the female genitals, worshiped fish, and held a special fish-eating ceremony, that is, fish sacrifice; in the third stage, they worshiped frogs. In addition, they also worshiped flowers, deer, sheep, women's menstrual blood, etc.
The above situation is proved by many ancient cultural relics in our country. In 1974, a human-shaped painted pottery pot was discovered at the Liuwan Neolithic site in Qinghai. On it was a female nude with an exaggerated shape of the vulva. On the seaside of Dongshan Island, more than 100 miles south of Zhangzhou, Fujian, there is still a huge stone vulva with pubic hair, labia and vagina carved on it. Very realistic and lifelike.
In the stone carvings and brick paintings of the Han Dynasty that were excavated. There are many portraits of Fuxi and Nuwo. They painted the upper bodies of Fuxi and Nuwo in human shapes, and the lower bodies in the shape of snakes, with their two tails closely intertwined. They painted the scene of Fuxi and Nvwo having sex, which shows that they were not ashamed to see or draw the copulation. From the above examples, we can see that the ancient people's view of "sex" went through a process from worship to contempt.
After the rise of Song Dynasty's agent , the "spiritual asceticism" it promoted continued to penetrate into people. To this day, this "spiritual asceticism" still has a large market. Its outstanding manifestation is that couples should have sex, but they should not derive pleasure from it, and should not destroy the "gentleman personality" or "good wife personality" of both parties, that is, they should be solemn, regular, and measured at all times. We know that self-awareness is the basis of emotional intelligence. However, self-awareness is not born with it. It requires you to absorb a large amount of external consciousness as your own consciousness. Once you accept the sexual awareness of traditional morality. You will unconsciously adopt its behavioral judgment, which can be reproduced in the following form:
In this way, your words and deeds about sexual life will be affected by traditional (external consciousness → (entering the mind) self-awareness → (giving instructions) action) sex The influence of ideas will have a negative impact on your sex life. The personality stipulated in this traditional morality mainly manifests itself in the following sexual attitudes in the sexual life of couples:
1. Reserved and afraid of losing one's temper.
Confucianism believes that a woman's "seriousness" should include dignified and dull behavior. , a man who is a "gentleman" must "cultivate himself", "keep his family in order", and have self-restraint. In short, both men and women are required to be reserved and not have unrestrained passion. This kind of reserved moral personality harms the sexual life of couples. In the final analysis, it makes one or both parties feel like a "bystander" and creates a mentality of being under social supervision at all times. According to Freud theory, such people are not really invested in sex life, but only a "superego", or a "false self" which is easier to understand. This kind of mentality will inevitably be brought into the sexual life of couples. As a result, the rigidity of movements and the indifference of body and mind are cause and effect of each other, forming a vicious circle. for example. Some husbands want to adopt some better positions and do some new exciting actions during sex, but their wives are often unwilling to cooperate, and even denounce them as "hooligans" and "dirty". Such examples are not uncommon.
2. Men are superior to women, lest it be reversed.
Sex life is an art for husband and wife to learn and promote each other. It should be based on equality and mutual assistance between both parties. The five thousand years of consciousness of men being superior to women not only puts men in a dominant position in the family, but also makes men in the sexual life. Li is also in a dominant position. For example, husbands can often decide the initiation, duration, frequency, timing, occasions, methods, etc. of sexual life, while wives often have no say. This concept has a large market in China. Even a doctor who is submissive before marriage, or even a husband who suffers from "tracheitis" in other aspects of life, still has the "initiative" in sexual life. Professor Kinsey, a famous American sexologist, has a widely circulated saying: “The only unnatural sexual behavior is sexual behavior that cannot be achieved perfectly."Therefore, the traditional concept of male superiority and female inferiority is not only the primary enemy for gender equality in society, but also a huge hidden danger that must be eliminated for the sexual life of every couple.
3. Being ashamed of sex, being ashamed of sex Because of being dirty, avoid communicating and discussing sex life
The Confucian idea of prohibiting "sexuality" later derived the concept of "shame". People who "know shame" not only should not pay attention to sex that is both "dirty" and "shameful", but should also pay attention to it. In such a situation where sex is "shameful". Under the suppression of the traditional culture of "dirty" and "dirty", quite a few men and women, especially women, have developed from "dirty" and "shameful" to extreme fear and disgust of their own body organs and physiological phenomena. Modern sexology has this basic principle: one. Whether a person is confident and proud of his or her body and its functions directly affects whether he or she can feel the pleasure easily and naturally during sex. Her sexual psychology, that is, deviations in her emotions and cognition, can cause sexual activity disorders. Some women feel nausea and vomiting every time their husband ejaculates. This is all psychological. Therefore, in a positive sense. It is extremely important to understand sexual behavior, overcome the concept of sex as "dirty" and "shameful", and establish a self-awareness of sex as natural.
□ Cultivate sexual communication between husband and wife
If couples want to seek greater happiness in their married life and seek a more harmonious sexual life, they cannot avoid communicating and discussing their sexual life? The sexual life between husband and wife is a normal thing, but many people do not She is too shy to talk about the normal life of a couple, and does not dare to talk about it easily with each other, nor does she dare to talk about her feelings. Sometimes, the wife has sexual desires and requirements, but she does not dare to disclose them to her husband; the husband has unspeakable things. They dare not confess their difficulties to their wives. They avoid each other and hide from each other.
We should admit that sex life itself is a matter for both husband and wife to participate in, and only through mutual cooperation can we achieve harmony and success. In fact, few people can imagine that sex life itself is actually a special kind. "Communication" is an important part of interpersonal communication skills in the field of emotional intelligence.
Therefore, we should promote "sexual communication and discussion" between couples, and make bold attempts to do so as long as it is beneficial to health. It is helpful for the physical and mental adaptation, and we must use it. If you are silent and shy to communicate, it will inevitably cause communication barriers between you, which will not be conducive to your sexual life relationship, and will eventually cause you to feel depressed from the bottom of your heart. Feeling disgusted with sex.
Some couples are shy about talking because they are afraid that the other person will be displeased, suspicious, or refuse to talk. These worries are indeed valid, but as long as you explain to your spouse that it will be a happy life for you as a couple. harmonious Importance. The other party will definitely understand you. At the same time, "communication" does have certain skills. In order to cultivate your communication skills, you need to conduct self-training. Here are some specific methods: Stage 1: At this stage, you can only talk to your spouse about the behaviors and methods that make you feel happy, and try not to talk about the behaviors and methods that you don’t like or feel uncomfortable with. This can enhance your spouse’s confidence and increase your spouse’s confidence. The other person’s interest in talking about this type of thing. This stage can be roughly divided into the following points.
1. After having sex, when both parties feel happy, tell the other person what you like most about him (her).
2. Tell us about your feelings and emotional changes during sex.
3. Discuss with your husband or wife how to make the other person do your favorite things better.
The second stage: At this stage, you can gradually express to the other party that you don't like certain practices. Do not use a heavy tone of command, but an imperative tone to make the other party feel that you are right and that you are right. It won't be difficult to accept. This stage includes the following:
1. Tell the other party clearly what you want him or her to do and what not to do, saying: you will be more happy if the other party does this.
2. Discuss with each other which specific practices are better and which practices are not good, and study together how to improve, practice with each other, and find the best way.
3. You can tell the other person what you don't like about his practices, whether before, during or after sex.
The third stage: At this stage, you don’t have to be as restrained as before and can exchange some of your opinions more casually, but be sure to pay attention to your tone and don’t make the other party feel uncomfortable at any time. This is any communication All are taboo. This stage includes:
1. When you are unwilling to have sex, you can propose it to the other party.
2. If you have not reached orgasm but are very eager, you can tell the other person.
3. If you sometimes don't have an orgasm and deliberately pretend to have it in order to take care of your husband's mood, you can point it out to the other party frankly at this stage and discuss with him how to improve your approach.
4. If you want the other person to touch and caress you more gently in the early stage of sexual life, you can ask the other person.
5. Ask the other party to ejaculate later in order to extend the time of sexual intercourse and enable you to reach orgasm.
In the process of "sexual discussion and sexual communication", you must not use rude, destructive words and tone. An important principle emphasized in "communication" is: considerate, tactful and polite. This principle must be paid attention to in the three stages, and discussion and communication should be carried out step by step, and no stages should be exceeded. Especially for men, telling him bluntly from the beginning that you don't like some of his ways or that he didn't reach climax will only hurt his manly self-esteem and will not be conducive to successfully achieving your communication purpose.
Successfully grasping the stages and steps of "communication and discussion" is a major sign of the improvement of your emotional intelligence interpersonal communication skills .
□ Pay attention to your "sexual beauty"
There is such a short story. A female teacher in a "bodybuilding class" said in class: "Gentleness and beauty are the essence of women. A word of coquettishness, a kind of arrogance, a kind of warmth, A glance, a smile, a string of laughter like silver bells, a graceful step, even a soft bite of silver teeth, a slightly opened starry eye, half pushing and half withdrawing, wanting to reject Liao Ying... ⋯ As long as it is used properly, it is all flattering. Like poetry, its affection and charm make people respect, admire, like and admire, and its feminine beauty makes people's hearts tremble. Love is difficult for oneself. Specifically speaking of the opposite-sex effect , it makes people watch the rippling love, and they are intoxicated and have wild imaginations." A "student" who was older than her stood up and asked: "Teacher, isn't what you are talking about a kind of sexy and sexual temptation?" Before the teacher could answer, another female "student" stood up: "Sexy is A kind of beauty, sexual temptation is a kind of sexual charm. Why are we here? Isn’t it just to increase our sexual charm? The teacher is right. It’s very exciting and profound.” There was a burst of warm applause.
We know that sex life is also a special form of emotional communication between husband and wife. Judging from its process and results, it partly belongs to the category of emotional intelligence. Human sex is born because of the beauty of the opposite sex, and it will also disappear with the disappearance of sexual beauty. Dilute or transfer. Therefore, "sexual beauty" is also something that needs to be paid attention to in sexual life.
Linguists have long pointed out that language in a broad sense includes not only spoken and written language, but also "body language". For example, when we wave to others, we say "come", and waving our hands means "goodbye". Similarly, sexual beauty, or sexual charm, is also a silent language that has an important impact on improving the sexual interest of both husband and wife.
However, marriages and families in our country often ignore "sexual beauty" and even take an oppositional attitude. Attractive men and women are often regarded as "tempting" and "pretending", especially at home. The neglect of
"sexual beauty" by both spouses is often reflected in the following three aspects:
1. Physical beauty
In life, we can often see that many middle-aged men already have thick double chins and big "shy" general belly ", and women who had a slender figure before marriage also seem to grow rapidly after a few years of marriage. Such a body will undoubtedly greatly reduce the sexual interest of the other party and affect the relationship between husband and wife at home.In life, many family breakdowns often come not from "major accidents" but from seemingly insignificant "physical problems."
2. Beauty modification
Modern Chinese people are making continuous progress in beauty modification. The “beauty trend” has been flourishing in our country for a long time. More and more beauty salons have been established, cosmetics have been continuously developed, and clothing has become increasingly diversified and high-end. This all means that people in the 1990s have higher and higher requirements for beauty. However, there are several major misunderstandings about grooming in our country. One of them is that couples do not pay attention to their own grooming in the family. For example, many people tend to focus on pre-marriage grooming and outdoor grooming but ignore post-marriage grooming and indoor grooming. Some men pay attention to combing their hair and wearing new clothes before marriage, but after marriage they are slovenly and neglect to dress up. Some women wear their most beautiful dresses to work and then change into hand-me-downs when they get home. Their reasons are usually "no one will watch anyway" or "we are an old married couple, who can we dress up for?" They do not regard the other party as an aesthetic subject at all. These practices will only damage the sexual intercourse fun of both husband and wife.
Many couples do not care about behaving beautifully at home. Many husbands wear suits and leather shoes before returning home, are polite, talk and laugh, but after returning home, they are "unruly", saying foul words in front of their wives, spitting everywhere, picking their feet, etc. The wife is charming when she is away from home. The spring breeze fills my face. As soon as I got home, my hair was disheveled, I was yawning, etc. The above indecent behavior undoubtedly makes one party feel disrespected by the other party, and at the same time, it also destroys the beautiful image that once aroused the unlimited love of the spouse. Over time, they will feel disgusted and disgusted with each other. In this case, how much passion can the couple invest in daily life?
combined with emotional intelligence analysis, these behaviors of neglecting "sexual beauty" undoubtedly stem from the deep-rooted concept of "husband and wife integration" in the self-awareness of the parties. The so-called "integration of husband and wife" also requires that "husband and wife merge into one body" and are "one's own family, not outsiders". So it doesn't matter how casual or ugly it is, neither party is an "outsider" anyway. If this kind of relationship between "one's own people" can be as peaceful as that between parents and children, because parents and children are different in size, and husband and wife have an equal marriage relationship, this will often lead to trouble. The tragedy of "domestic flowers are not as fragrant as wild flowers". The ancients have also warned about this point: "Women should look good to please themselves."
Therefore, in order to increase your "sexual beauty", you must clear your mind of the incorrect self-awareness of "the integration of husband and wife", because both husband and wife are We are human beings and we all need to respect each other and not be too casual. In short, proper "respect each other as guests" is still necessary.
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