Yi Psychological Writers Group | Wan Zai
Some time ago, " Huanzhugege " was on the hot search.
Huang Ama, Ling Fei, Qing'er, and Lafayette reunited on a variety show.
coupled with the BGM of "Let's live a life of ease and ease as companions in the world of mortals", I burst into tears instantly.
After 21 years, Xiao Yanzi became the mentor of "Actors Please Take Your Place"; Ziwei married the "national husband" Huo Jianhua ;
Jinsuo is busy making a comeback after tax evasion; Erkan is already our " "Walking emoticon package";
The luck of the fifth elder brother is even more enviable.
has 27.78 million fans on Weibo and has an excellent reputation in the circle. He is simply a "classic idol" in the hearts of those born in the 80s and 90s.
However, recently he revealed "I finally don't have to distort myself to cater to everyone" . The most impressive thing about
is the variety show " Creation Camp 2019".
He served as a mentor, and a student asked him: "The outside world said that you have had plastic surgery, is this true?"
He said: "Today's young people's aesthetics are different from before, so the style will be more catered to young people. Aesthetics".
In fact, he has always wanted to conform to public aesthetics, but instead resisted some of his innate characteristics.
After all, in today’s entertainment industry, the rules of the game are more cruel.
Little fresh meat emerges in an endless stream. Yesterday it was Luhan , today it is Wang Yibo , tomorrow it will be Xiao Zhan ...
The 46-year-old Su Youpeng , no matter how famous he was, it was only 21 years ago, no matter what Can't compete with traffic.
is too anxious.
In the 31 years since his debut, he, like most of us ordinary people, has been questioning himself:
Why do I always have to please others?
Many people think that Su Youpeng has always been the envied "other people's child".
Su Youpeng joined the Little Tiger Team at the age of 15.
's single "Green Apple Paradise" became a hit in Asia as soon as it was released, and its popularity once exceeded that of Michael Jackson.
held more than 20 consecutive concerts, and the concerts were all sold out. The autograph session, attended by more than 20,000 people, was almost out of control.
Boys at that time imitated their looks. What about girls? Snatch up all their posters. How could a popular idol singer like
cater to others?
But Alec Su has always felt that many of the things he did were just to cater to everyone's expectations of him.
's "pleasure" was destined from the moment he joined the Little Tigers. Since
is called "Guaiguaihu" (the character in the group), his character design is naturally that of "a well-behaved academic master".
At that time, many parents regarded him as a role model for educating their children.
Because he was admitted to the top high school in Taiwan, China, with the top score in the school. In addition, she is excellent at singing and dancing.
But as the Little Tigers became more and more popular, he often had to fly to different places to participate in performances and concerts. The scores of
also dropped from the best to the worst.
When he was in his third year of high school, he spent every day in a sense of crisis. Afraid of disappointing everyone and not knowing what will happen next.
He said: "There is a nightmare that haunts me every day, telling myself that I must succeed. "If I fail the exam, mothers with children on the road will definitely point at me and say to their children, 'Look, that's just me. He knows how to play with the obedient tiger who doesn't study."
He pushed himself to the point of almost suffocation, and this sense of coercion reminded him, "You can only succeed and not fail."
In order to meet everyone's expectations, Su Youpeng could only spend one year reading. After completing the courses he had missed in three years of high school, he never thought about what he liked or didn't like even when filling out his application form.
just filled in the schools and majors with the highest scores and the most popular ones at the time. "Department of Mechanical Engineering, National Taiwan University."
As a result, he found that he had no interest in this major and was not happy at all.
Of course, he chose to drop out of school in his junior year.
's seemingly "rebellious" decision caused him to fall from fame to rock bottom. In an instant, the entire Internet was trending to criticize Su Youpeng.
Netizens nicknamed him "Losing and Touching". Fans were extremely disappointed with him. As expected, the idol gave up studying for fame and fortune.
He became a "street rat" and everyone shouted to beat him. Even if he later appeared in variety shows, released records, and became a host, everything failed. For a long time after
, he habitually catered to the public.
Even though he later successfully transformed with well-known TV series such as "My Fair Princess" and "Love in the Rain", and even transformed from an "idol drama actor" to a "powerful actor", he was still very dissatisfied with his appearance.
Some people wonder, if you are already so successful, why do you still need to cater to others?
Because, he always feels that "I am not good enough".
During the interview, the reporter asked him: "How good do you think it is?"
Su Youpeng said that he had a 120-point theory.
"You have to aim for 120 points because there may be a discount next to get you to 90 or 80 points." "If I set a possible goal from the beginning, if I discount it by 20%, it will be nothing."
He is very harsh on himself, which even makes people feel a little distressed.
In particular, the 2008 movie "The Wind".
In order to play the feminine Bai Xiaonian in the movie, he started to study Kun Opera from scratch.
As we all know, Kun Opera is difficult to learn. At the beginning, you have to memorize the lyrics and break the lotus fingers; then you have to practice small steps and your body needs to be like a puppet.
Every time after class, his waist was so sore that he couldn't bend down.
In the end, with this role, Su Youpeng won the "Best Supporting Actor" at the 30th Popular Film Hundred Flowers Awards.
However, he evaluated himself this way: "There is only this masterpiece, and there are no other masterpieces that can be called special masterpieces."
is already very good compared to most people. Why do I still feel that I am “not good enough”?
Perhaps it is because, in the eyes of the audience, he is still the "little boy" Fifth Prince, Du Fei , and Zhang Wuji.
For Su Youpeng, he started to pay special attention to external feedback when he was 15 years old.
People get feedback from the environment to complete self-evaluation. Environmental feedback includes other people's speech, authoritative speech, etc.
The overwhelming negative comments, boycotts, and online violence were obviously more than the pressure he could bear at that age.
He didn't know what to do. He was helpless and uneasy, so he could only hide at home all day.
However, even if the incident has passed, the scars are still there, and even "aggravated" his original feeling that he was not good enough.
Because, Everyone's self-evaluation initially comes from their parents.
Su Youpeng's mother is a middle school teacher. People of their generation received "beating and scolding education."
When he was a child, he was very rebellious and would not obey control.
Once, he jumped on the table to reason with his parents, but his father picked up a kitchen knife and threw it directly at him.
We don’t know what else he suffered, and he doesn’t want to talk about it too much.
However, he said: "The strict mother was implanted in my mind, and I was also very strict with myself."
Everyone is born without the ability of self-awareness. It is not until more than 1 year old that self-cognitive functions gradually develop.
The completion of self-awareness was based on the evaluation of parents, a very important object at that time.
If a child keeps getting feedback that "I'm not good enough", then, growing up with this knowledge, the child will not be able to distinguish whether this is just feedback from others or a fact.
Especially when feedback comes from parents, children will quickly internalize it as self-evaluation.
When this child grows up, he will always live with this kind of self-evaluation, lose objective and accurate self-judgment, and will pay too much attention to his shortcomings.
Therefore, it is not difficult to understand why Su Youpeng is so harsh on himself and feels that he is not good enough.
He has found the reason: "I don't know how to appreciate myself, and it has to do with my family of origin."
People who always feel that "I'm not good enough" lack a sense of self-identity and often fall into the double torture of "fear of not being recognized but also longing for recognition."
"Self-identity" is a psychological concept proposed by American psychologist Erikson.
You can simply understand it as: you know who you are, and you have a stable sense of identity with who you know yourself to be.
People are born with a tendency to identify with their parents. Although Su Youpeng's mother was very strict, he internalized her strictness, so he was extremely strict with himself.
And that period was the lowest 10 years of his life.
Because he has never learned to act, his acting skills are just a piece of shit in the eyes of the director.
He was "returned" one after another and "wandered" in various crews.
At the worst time, he said: "I don't know if the crew will use me tomorrow."
He hopes to change. He hopes that when everyone mentions Su Youpeng again, they will not think of the Little Tigers, Fifth Brother, or Du Fei, but "Oh, that very powerful actor." For this goal,
, every time he finished his work, others went to drink and skewer, and Su Youpeng couldn't go.
He asked his assistant to play back all his clips that day, and compared them to see where he did not do well enough, and studied deliberately.
Fortunately, it's all worth it.
Today, he is not only the familiar characters, but also the director of "The Devotion of Suspect X" and "The Left Ear", and the mentor of "Produce Camp 2019".
We, in this state of longing for recognition, are constantly moving forward in the struggle and pull.
Over the years, Su Youpeng began to look for the source of his pandering, self-tearing, and depression.
He would ask his grandmother: "How were you treated when you were a child?" and study family trauma.
Because the way grandma is treated determines the way mother treats him.
The education of that era determined that children of that generation grew up with beatings and scoldings.
He began to understand his mother.
So, now, his relationship with his mother is still very good.
And he himself slowly learned to "accept his fate", reconcile and dialogue with himself.
I would never have thought that Su Youpeng, who had to reach 120 points in the past, would now say to his students:
"You have to treat yourself fairly."
"Suppose you already have 95 points, and you still have less than that 5 points. Yes, you have to push yourself to reach 95 points. "
" But don't feel bad about yourself. You have to see that you have worked so hard before and you already have 95 points. You have to be fair to yourself."
He discovered that it turns out that I love myself and accept myself, and others actually accept myself this way.
Before, he always fought with fate. Destiny was not happy, and I was not happy either.
Just like when he heard that he was evaluated as a "cream boy", he was once very angry because what he wanted was another kind of recognition.
now? I accepted it willingly, accepted that I was an idol, and accepted the consequences of being an idol.
He said: "Now that these things are here, stop resisting them and live in harmony together."
So, do you know how to accept yourself?
One is to bear the consequences of not being liked, and the other is to believe that it doesn't matter whether others like it or not.
No matter whether you are fat or thin, the attitude of others towards you will not change much.
People who like you will still like you. People who don't like you will not like you no matter what they say.
Why force yourself to cater to others? Anyway, it’s still a thankless job in the end.
When you can bear the consequences of others not liking you, in fact, you have accepted yourself.
The real question is, does it really matter whether others like you or not, and whether they recognize you or not?
Finally, I really like what Su Youpeng said in the interview:
"What makes all this worthwhile for me is that I am really honored to grow up with so many people."
reminds me of the me who spent all day in front of the TV in 1998, watching "Huan Zhu Ge Ge".
I really want to say to her: "Hey, hello, I am you in 21 years."
I don’t know if you will miss your original self?
Although I understand very well that in the process of growth, something will inevitably be lost and the original edges and corners will be lost.
But, what I want to say is, if you can, try not to let yourself lose too much, it is already very difficult.
The world and I love you.
Image source for this article: Tencent News Program "Question and Answer Time Machine"
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